Archive | February, 2012

That’s not gonna earn you a tip, kid.

16 Feb

Tonight I whipped in a take-out place to grab dinner so I could get some work done in my hotel room. The kid ringing up my order had a total Justin Bieber haircut (old school, not current) and appeared to be about two months older than the legal employment age (16.2?).

After I ordered a personal pizza, he said, “Would you like some bread and butter with that?”

I shook my head. He said, “Right? Isn’t that the most awkward thing to ask? Like – dude – you just ordered a pizza. Do you want some MORE bread with that?”

I agreed. “Exactly. Do you want some carbs to go with your carbs? No? Then how ’bout just a side of carbs?”

We were cracking up and for a split second I forgot our twenty year age difference and was willing to consider him a peer.

That is, until he took my credit card and said, “Whoa. This card is really funky. What kind is it?”

“Ann Taylor Loft,” I replied.

He nodded. “I know that store…”

Then, after a pause, he added, “Yeah. My mom shops there.”

…And… Scene…

Thanks, kid. Now go buy yourself some Noxema and finish your homework.

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Sending You a Little Love from Beantown

14 Feb

Image Source: BeMyAnti-Valentine

I’m in Boston for work, which means I’m spending Valentine’s Day away from Alan. That’s fine by me – not because I don’t miss him, but because I tend to believe you shouldn’t just show someone you love them one day a year. So by that standard, Alan does a pretty great job of making every day February 14.

Since I don’t make a big deal out of Valentine’s Day, it was the farthest thing from my mind when I stepped out to grab a coffee this morning. The streets of Boston were desserted, barring a line of cabs idling in front of my hotel.

The last cabbie in line, an older gentleman, was out wiping down his windshield as I walked past. “Happy Valentine’s Day!” he called. “May you get everything you deserve and more!”

I have to admit, it made me smile. Not just because he said it, but also because it reminded me, when it comes to the important stuff: I already have.

So just in case no one has said it to you yet…

Happy Valentine’s Day. May you get everything you deserve and more! 

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Deep Thoughts Visualized: DC Traffic

9 Feb

 

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Something you probably didn’t know about the SuperBowl.

7 Feb

By which I mean: An AWESOME day!

Sunday I learned a Very Important Lesson:

The single best time to go shopping at Target is approximately 15 minutes before the SuperBowl kickoff.

The place was a ghost town. I was almost knocked over by a tumbleweed rolling down the cleaning products aisle. The only other customer I made eye contact with was a woman about my age whose native language was not English.

Lest you think I’m making some racist generalization: I’m not speculating. I know English isn’t her first language. Let me explain.

After finishing with my shopping list, some scented candles caught my eye. I left my cart at the end of the aisle and worked my way along, sniffing every last thing on the shelf and reveling in the fact that I Had Target Practically to Myself.

I nearly hyperventilated, what with all the sniffing. So I didn’t really see the expression on the woman’s face when I returned to my cart, made some kind of odd eye contact with her and headed toward the register to pay.

But about halfway to the register, I looked down and was confused. Somehow, my cleaning supplies and yoga pants had morphed into diapers and baby clothes. Because I was light-headed from the candle sniffing, it took me a minute to process what had happened.

And sheepishly, I turned around to find the woman walking behind me, looking some combination of angry and puzzled that I had taken her cart away. I made a sweeping gesture and started falling all over myself with apologies. I mean, really – in a store with only two shoppers – how do you end up stealing someone else’s cart?

Fortunately, she must have been as blissed out as I was about the store being empty, so she was quick to forgive. She simply smiled, shook her head in an understanding way and said, “Estúpido de mierda.”

And that is how I know she is not a native English speaker. And also? That shopping right before the SuperBowl is the best.

If this had been in my cart, I would not have asked questions.

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The only thing keeping you from winning a Darwin Award is your vet.

5 Feb

This week one of my Facebook friends posted the following:

Coworker just told us a story at lunch about a friend with a boa constrictor. Guy was crazy about the snake and let it sleep with him. The snake stopped eating and so he took it to the vet. The vet told him the snake was sizing him up and preparing to eat him.

What? The? Hell?

I can understand letting a cat or dog (or perhaps even a ferret) sleep on your bed with you. But a snake? Aside from the fact that they have no fur (a requirement for being snuggly), they’re cold -blooded. I imagine cuddling a snake would be like sleeping on an unheated waterbed, where your body heat is slowly leached out of you and you wake in a state of near-hypothermia.

If forced to root for the snake or the guy in this scenario, I’m going with the snake. Of the two, he’s clearly more intelligent, and although I’m sure he’s just rolling with his biological wiring, I like to imagine him plotting with a ruthless calculation that would do a movie villain proud.

For example, this is how I picture him silently responding to his owner:

Owner: Look, Mr. Slinky – a nice rat for you!
Mr. Slinky: No thanks. You eat the rat.
Owner: C’mon. Just give it a little squeeze.
Mr. Slinky: I’ll show YOU a little squeeze. Eat the damn rat already.
Owner: What’s the matter? Why won’t you eat?
Mr. Slinky: Just saving my appetite. Go on. Eat the rat. Let’s fatten you up.
Owner: Well then, I guess we’re going to bed hungry. Let’s snuggle.
Mr. Slinky: Sounds good to me.
Owner: Mr. Slinky, you’re tickling me!
Mr. Slinky: Hold still. I can’t get an accurate measurement on your girth.
Owner: OK, Mr. Slinky. That’s enough. I need to get some rest.
Mr. Slinky: That rib cage might be a problem.
Owner: Mr. Slinky, do I need to draw a line down the middle of this bed?
 

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