Archive | 5:41 am

The only thing keeping you from winning a Darwin Award is your vet.

5 Feb

This week one of my Facebook friends posted the following:

Coworker just told us a story at lunch about a friend with a boa constrictor. Guy was crazy about the snake and let it sleep with him. The snake stopped eating and so he took it to the vet. The vet told him the snake was sizing him up and preparing to eat him.

What? The? Hell?

I can understand letting a cat or dog (or perhaps even a ferret) sleep on your bed with you. But a snake? Aside from the fact that they have no fur (a requirement for being snuggly), they’re cold -blooded. I imagine cuddling a snake would be like sleeping on an unheated waterbed, where your body heat is slowly leached out of you and you wake in a state of near-hypothermia.

If forced to root for the snake or the guy in this scenario, I’m going with the snake. Of the two, he’s clearly more intelligent, and although I’m sure he’s just rolling with his biological wiring, I like to imagine him plotting with a ruthless calculation that would do a movie villain proud.

For example, this is how I picture him silently responding to his owner:

Owner: Look, Mr. Slinky – a nice rat for you!
Mr. Slinky: No thanks. You eat the rat.
Owner: C’mon. Just give it a little squeeze.
Mr. Slinky: I’ll show YOU a little squeeze. Eat the damn rat already.
Owner: What’s the matter? Why won’t you eat?
Mr. Slinky: Just saving my appetite. Go on. Eat the rat. Let’s fatten you up.
Owner: Well then, I guess we’re going to bed hungry. Let’s snuggle.
Mr. Slinky: Sounds good to me.
Owner: Mr. Slinky, you’re tickling me!
Mr. Slinky: Hold still. I can’t get an accurate measurement on your girth.
Owner: OK, Mr. Slinky. That’s enough. I need to get some rest.
Mr. Slinky: That rib cage might be a problem.
Owner: Mr. Slinky, do I need to draw a line down the middle of this bed?