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Trend-setter. That’s one word for me.

17 Feb

What’s the word for athletic pants where there’s essentially a pantyliner sewn into the crotch so you can wear them without underwear? You know what I’m talking about, right?

Well, whoever invented those should be shot.

I was half-way through yoga yesterday, doubled-over in a forward fold, when I noticed that the seams on my pants looked odd. “Hmmm…” I wondered, “Did I put my pants on inside-out?”

Normally that’s not cause for alarm because I have three pairs of reversible yoga pants. Unfortunately, it turns out this was a different pair, which I confirmed with a quick reach to feel for a tag. I had not only one but two large tags flapping on my butt, announcing “M” for anyone who wanted to check my size.

I sighed and continued my vinyasa, thinking, “Meh – not a big deal.”

It was about ten minutes later, when our instructor told us to put our feet on the outer edge of the mat, then slowly lower into a yogic squat, that I saw the problem. I was in the front row, facing a mirror, and there – winking back at me – was a bright white triangle of cloth between my legs. I quickly lowered my hands from prayer position so I looked more like a catcher to block the cotton blaze from view.

Of course, I also started quietly snickering, finding the situation awkward but also hilarious. It only got worse when the instructor asked us to sit on our mats, extend our feet in the air in front of us, grab the bottom of each foot and open into a seated “V.”

This is what we were supposed to look like:

Image Source: http://www.betterhealthliving.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/boat-pose-yoga.jpg

Which Alan says is comical regardless of your pants.

At this point, I just muttered a, “Oh hell no…” and flopped back on my mat, silently laughing as I watched everyone else go spread-eagle.

While convulsing, I decided that before I wear those pants again, I am going to take a Sharpie and either draw a big smiley face or write “Namaste” in the center of that real estate. That way, I figure at least it would look like I’d deliberately worn them reversed if it happens again – right?

Actually, I think that’s such a great idea that I’m encouraging everyone to go to their drawers and search out any pants with a while cotton liner, and draw a smiley face on them. Because you never know. And trust me – there will be a day when you thank me. Even if it’s just when you crack yourself up every time you tug your pants down to go to the bathroom.

Image Source: http://jezebel.com/5799608/are-you-wearing-pants-this-chart-will-help-you-answer-that-question

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Call me Edison. Thomas Edison.

11 Nov

I’ve come up with another invention that is genius. I just don’t know how large the audience is for it, so I’m not going to waste any time developing prototypes until I do a bit of market research. By which I mean: writing this post and seeing if anyone says, “Dude. I NEED one of those.”

So here’s the invention: A garbage disposal for your bathtub.

Admittedly, I first came up with this idea many, MANY years ago when I witnessed someone barfing in a bathtub. Initially I cringed when I thought of the clean up, and then – problem solver that I am – a lightbulb went off above my head and I thought: If only bathtubs had garbage disposals.

Imagine a world where the switch next to the tub was NOT for jacuzzi jets, but instead a disposal. Tempting, no?

Perhaps you’re struggling to see the application for any audience other than the drunken college crowd. Then clearly you haven’t used a luxurious bath bomb lately.

Bath bombs – if you’re unfamiliar – look like snowballs. Except they’re made of powdered bubble bath and they typically fizz and make your water smell nice when you drop them in a bathtub.

They’re fabulous. Except that the makers like to press things – like flower petals or grass – into them. I mean, it looks pretty, and it’s really quite novel to be taking a lemongrass soak surrounded by grass – or a rose water infusion that swims in rose petals.

But when I drain the water, it looks like I just hosed off the pruning shears in the bathtub. This, my friends, is the moment when a bathtub disposal would come in handy.

Am I onto something? Is this the next Big Thing in home design? Like wine fridges, warming drawers and soft-close drawer glides were 10 years ago?

Or am I – yet again – simply ahead of my time? It’s all right – you can tell me I’m a visionary. I won’t be offended.

Corn: It’s a movement. (But not like you think.)

25 Jul

I have a new-found respect for kindergartner’s art skills. Corn is not easy to work with.

So in the wake of my run-in at the farmer’s market, I decided to make corn a dirty word.

This should trouble you on many levels. Let me enumerate count them:

  1. I had a run-in at a farmer’s market. How is this even possible? 
  2. I already swear a lot. Do I need another word in my arsenal? Does a bear eat corn? Probably, if it is hungry enough. 
  3. Corn is a ridiculous word. Is it actually swear-worthy? For the love of corn, yes. 
  4. Really? I was annoyed enough that I need to seek revenge by starting a corn movement? Frankly, yes. 

You know the expression, “Mess with the bull and you’ll get the horn?” Well, my new motto is: Mess with me and you’ll get the corn.

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I’m developing an interview-ready Rorschach…

27 Apr

Observation: Sometimes, when it’s not a true disability, it’s actually funny when people can’t see or hear well.

Case in point – my new team was in training for two days in Chicago. My boss pulled out her iPad to share some photos with us. The first photo was of her dog, lying on a doggie bed. One person she showed it to said, “That’s adorable. And it’s so classical looking because it’s in black and white.”

Um. The thing is, the photo wasn’t in black and white. Nothing about it lacked color, from any angle. I’m pretty sure I wrinkled my brow trying to squint my eyes and see it in every possible way, and I could see my boss, shifting the iPad in every direction to see if it appeared even sepia when blurred. It did not.

We both silently shrugged it off, until the next picture popped up, featuring a dog on a different (red) doggie bed with paw prints all over it. “So cute!” the woman exclaimed. “It looks like a ladybug!”

Again with the record scratch. A ladybug?!?

I’m open to creative interpretations – trust me, I LIKE to find animal faces in wood paneling knots – but I just wasn’t seeing this. Then, thirty seconds later she exclaimed, “Oh! There’s a dog there!”

WHAT??? What did you think she was showing us, a pillow?

I’ll cut her some slack – she’s new, she was tired, and she was viewing it on an iPad held at an odd angle across a table. But it still made me giggle.

Given all the psychological evaluations employers perform now to ensure they’re not hiring a freak, it occurred to me that we could patent our own test, using random photos and an iPad. “What do you see here?” I imagine us asking.

Then we present the following image:

And in my mind, the ad promoting this new app I’ve developed sounds like a cross between a Mastercard and an Apple commercial.

Want to find out if your new co-worker is a whack-job?

There’s an app for that.

Confirming she finds butt-humor as funny as you do?

Priceless.

I just learned a new word.

3 Feb

I wish I hadn’t.

Here’s the word I wish I could scrub from my vocabulary: VAJAZZLING.

If you don’t know what it is, think, “Beadazzler meets bikini area.” Um, yeah.

Seriously? I’m pretty sure our pioneer ancestors would have neutered themselves, had they known their descendants would actually spend time and mental energy on such a thing.

Although, who knows? Maybe pioneer women stuck corn kernels to their nether regions for a little bedtime bling.