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What goes, “Knock, knock, bang, bang?” My washer.

18 Nov

My mom has always sworn that you can fix almost anything with duct tape and a staple gun. I’m pretty sure I posted about “hemming” my pants with duct tape earlier this year (but can’t find it for the life of me), so it’s safe to assume I’m squarely in Mom’s camp on this one.

Today I solved YET ANOTHER household problem with duct tape.

Here’s the problem: two weeks ago, my washer started making horrific noises while on the spin cycle. When I say, horrific, I mean, it sounded like someone was driving a sledgehammer into the wall repeatedly. “I don’t remember it being THIS loud,” I thought to myself as it started. Then a few minutes later, as jugs of detergent came raining down off the top of my dryer, “Hell no, it hasn’t been this loud!”

I realized it was broken and did what most people do when faced with a potentially expensive problem: decided to ignore it. The week passed, my clothes piled up, and finally – this weekend – I decided to give it another go, thinking, “Who knows? Maybe it just needed a little time and has now healed itself?!”

It hadn’t. If anything, it had dug itself deeper into the ditch. Had it been a whale, it would’ve been heaving itself out of the ocean, making tragic noises while beaching itself to die. I was concerned that my neighbors might come pound on my door, so I decided to beat them to the punch, preparing handwritten notes to slide under their doors that said:

Hi! Something is wrong with my washer. It is thumping much louder than usual on the spin cycle. I’ll get it repaired this week, but in the meantime need to do two loads of laundry. I’ll wait until this afternoon when there’s the smallest chance of disturbing anyone, but if I pick a bad time (like when you’re napping) and you’d like me to hold off, please text me… Alison

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I could get my MBA. Or I could prove why I don’t need one.

3 Aug

At the pool this weekend, Alan and I each floated around lazily on a styrofoam water noodle. You know what I’m talking about, right? One of these things:

The water noodles are the awesome yellow things supporting my equally awesome parents.

Let’s talk about how awesome they are. They are simple, yet they support your entire body weight, making it possible to sit, stand or just float without expending any effort. We got to talking about how much weight they could support, and Alan noted that we may be pushing the single-noodle limit.

It was about this time that I said that if I were the manufacturer, I would sell a larger noodle, and I would call it the “Super Noodle.”

And the slogan would be:

The Super Noodle: for Super People!

Except, to make it funny, I would actually want the slogan to read:

“The Super Noodle: for Super (Big) People!”

Do you see what I did there, with the subliminal (big) reference? Makes it funny, doesn’t it?

I asked Alan how many I would sell. “A lot,” he guessed. But then he went on to add, “Skinny people would buy them.”

And you know what? I think he’s right. Super Noodles and Diet Coke.

Go figure.