Corn: It’s a movement. (But not like you think.)

25 Jul

I have a new-found respect for kindergartner’s art skills. Corn is not easy to work with.

So in the wake of my run-in at the farmer’s market, I decided to make corn a dirty word.

This should trouble you on many levels. Let me enumerate count them:

  1. I had a run-in at a farmer’s market. How is this even possible? 
  2. I already swear a lot. Do I need another word in my arsenal? Does a bear eat corn? Probably, if it is hungry enough. 
  3. Corn is a ridiculous word. Is it actually swear-worthy? For the love of corn, yes. 
  4. Really? I was annoyed enough that I need to seek revenge by starting a corn movement? Frankly, yes. 

You know the expression, “Mess with the bull and you’ll get the horn?” Well, my new motto is: Mess with me and you’ll get the corn.

I invite YOU to join the corn movement. Just like a well-planned fundraising campaign, there are many levels of participation available to you:

For beginners: All you have to do is substitute a swear word with CORN once each day.

For shy beginners: You can even do it under your breath or in the privacy of your own home.

For more aggressive huskers: Substitute corn (or corn-derivatives) for ALL your swear words.

For my tweeting friends: Tweet your corn-based profanity, then use the #corn hashtag. I am pretty sure we will confuse a bunch of actual corn-loving tweeters. (And, some preliminary investigation, I can confidently state: our movement can improve that hashtag’s coolness by approximately one billion percent.)

For more advanced users: Don’t limit yourself — any corn-related words can be appropriated for the cause (ie. kernel, husk, ear, shuck).

To help you get started, I’ll share some of the variations I’ve heard so far. (Yes, we already have willing participants spreading the word of the stalk from coast to coast!)

The first category of usage involves simple substitutions:

  • I don’t give a corn.
  • Hey Corn-bag — nice driving!
  • Stop being a corn-hat.
  • Corn off.
  • Shut the corn up!
The second, slightly more complex category of usage, involves new phrases that just sound dirty because of how they use corn or are more tangentially related to corn:
  • Take the corn out of your ass and listen to me.
  • When you’re done riding that corn around, I need you to focus.
  • Stop being a wimp and grow an ear.
  • Simmer down! No need to pop your kernels over this…

I’m sure some of you are reading this, thinking, “So lame. Who would take a common word and try to create an entirely new cornotation for it?” (<– See what I did there?)

Anyway, for you — the doubters and haters who refuse to support this movement — I’m sorry if this comes across as a bit strong, but I have two words:

SHUCK OFF.

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19 Responses to “Corn: It’s a movement. (But not like you think.)”

  1. Ms Mary July 25, 2011 at 7:26 am #

    Brings new meaning to the term “stalker”.

  2. Kim Pugliano July 25, 2011 at 9:24 am #

    That’s really weird (wierd? – where’s spell check on these comments?) because lately I keep hearing, “cornhole.” Never heard it before. I am TOTALLY up for the challenge. I’ll keep you updated.

  3. Doug Zorn July 25, 2011 at 11:51 am #

    Go pop yourself!

  4. Doug Zorn July 25, 2011 at 11:54 am #

    YOU Cornucopian Bastard!!!

    • pithypants July 25, 2011 at 12:29 pm #

      Doug: Nice use of cornucopian! Interesting twist to use corn to emphasize a dirty word. Dare I say, sophisticated?

      • Doug Zorn July 25, 2011 at 2:08 pm #

        Lol – ya, I’m knee high by the fourth of July~ catch me if you can.hahaha

  5. gordpeters17 July 25, 2011 at 1:07 pm #

    Okay, might as well step deep into the corn field. The ultimate angry corn curse: mothershucker!

    • Doug Zorn July 25, 2011 at 8:28 pm #

      you freakin cob shucker….that’s it! ya, right there. lol

  6. Doug Zorn July 25, 2011 at 1:48 pm #

    Piss off! You freaking corncake! (it is technically a fruit I believe)

  7. Terese July 25, 2011 at 2:48 pm #

    “Mother Shucker” to the cornhole who stole my iPhone on Friday!

    • pithypants July 25, 2011 at 4:30 pm #

      Terese: Nice usage! And if you ever spot the cornhole again? I hope hope you hit him so hard, kernels flight out his ass!

  8. Doug Zorn July 25, 2011 at 8:35 pm #

    Hey dude, eat your corn out!

  9. Judson July 25, 2011 at 8:37 pm #

    I’m in! Those stunted ears who don’t recognize its genius can shuck my cob!

  10. Doug Zorn July 25, 2011 at 8:42 pm #

    Yes Sir, Kernel! Kernel Sir, I am workin my cob to the core! sir, yes sir!! Gotta, go, this one got me going..hahahaha

  11. Doug Zorn July 25, 2011 at 8:45 pm #

    at Judson: Love your cob! Mean it! lol. hahaha

  12. Doug Zorn July 25, 2011 at 8:45 pm #

    What about our friends “Cubby cob”…….?

  13. Doug Zorn July 25, 2011 at 8:51 pm #

    did my friend really just say this? Can we all get together, and grill some food? Corn, shortcake…?

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