The only thing keeping you from winning a Darwin Award is your vet.

5 Feb

This week one of my Facebook friends posted the following:

Coworker just told us a story at lunch about a friend with a boa constrictor. Guy was crazy about the snake and let it sleep with him. The snake stopped eating and so he took it to the vet. The vet told him the snake was sizing him up and preparing to eat him.

What? The? Hell?

I can understand letting a cat or dog (or perhaps even a ferret) sleep on your bed with you. But a snake? Aside from the fact that they have no fur (a requirement for being snuggly), they’re cold -blooded. I imagine cuddling a snake would be like sleeping on an unheated waterbed, where your body heat is slowly leached out of you and you wake in a state of near-hypothermia.

If forced to root for the snake or the guy in this scenario, I’m going with the snake. Of the two, he’s clearly more intelligent, and although I’m sure he’s just rolling with his biological wiring, I like to imagine him plotting with a ruthless calculation that would do a movie villain proud.

For example, this is how I picture him silently responding to his owner:

Owner: Look, Mr. Slinky – a nice rat for you!
Mr. Slinky: No thanks. You eat the rat.
Owner: C’mon. Just give it a little squeeze.
Mr. Slinky: I’ll show YOU a little squeeze. Eat the damn rat already.
Owner: What’s the matter? Why won’t you eat?
Mr. Slinky: Just saving my appetite. Go on. Eat the rat. Let’s fatten you up.
Owner: Well then, I guess we’re going to bed hungry. Let’s snuggle.
Mr. Slinky: Sounds good to me.
Owner: Mr. Slinky, you’re tickling me!
Mr. Slinky: Hold still. I can’t get an accurate measurement on your girth.
Owner: OK, Mr. Slinky. That’s enough. I need to get some rest.
Mr. Slinky: That rib cage might be a problem.
Owner: Mr. Slinky, do I need to draw a line down the middle of this bed?

19 Responses to “The only thing keeping you from winning a Darwin Award is your vet.”

  1. Cakes and Shakes... February 5, 2012 at 5:51 am #

    Hilarious : ) Also on Team Snake!!

  2. k8edid February 5, 2012 at 9:12 am #

    Team Snake, certainly. That picture is disturbing. My son had a ball python, Damien (who turned out to be Damienette). The son and snake lived in our basement for a few months, and neither my husband nor I slept comfortably that whole time. Unfortunately, Damien later perished in a house fire.

    • pithypants February 5, 2012 at 11:50 am #

      I find it interesting that you don’t qualify the house fire as “accidental.” I think we see what happened here…

      • k8edid February 5, 2012 at 3:01 pm #

        Actually… was determined that faulty wiring on the “warming rock” used to keep the snake warm in his/her aquarium that caused the house fire.

      • pithypants February 5, 2012 at 7:47 pm #

        You say “faulty warming rock.” I say pyromaniacal snake.

  3. Lorna's Voice February 5, 2012 at 2:17 pm #

    All creatures have their allure. I’m sure snakes just love people!

  4. thesinglecell February 5, 2012 at 5:30 pm #

    Holy crap. Pet snakes = house fires. Can we establish a third team? Team Don’t Have Legless Pets Because Then Nobody Wins?

  5. lynnettedobberpuhl February 5, 2012 at 5:36 pm #

    And I thought my cat was gross for rubbing me with his slimy nose. Owning snakes? Yuk. Owning man-eating snakes? Inexplicable. Siding with the snake, as long as I don’t have to take care of it afterward. Thank you for bringing this to our attention!

  6. Curly Carly February 5, 2012 at 5:50 pm #

    I saw a similar story not too long ago and emailed it to just about everyone I know. I couldn’t believe anyone could be so dense. The term “Darwin Award” is especially fitting in this situation. That snake deserved to win.

  7. tennizzlle February 6, 2012 at 7:24 am #

    Hello there! I found your blog today and it made me laugh!
    I have nominated you for the ABC Award! You may have had it before (I’m new to this blogging business!), so sorry if you have 🙂

    • pithypants February 6, 2012 at 2:01 pm #

      Agreed. A snake that can eat a deer without help? No thank you.

  8. J Ibanez February 6, 2012 at 7:07 pm #

    I’m okay with pet snakes. SMALL pet snakes. In a terrarium.

    Otherwise, #teamsnake.

    • pithypants February 6, 2012 at 7:30 pm #

      I’m OK with snakes if you’re actually talking about a lizard whose legs fell off. Otherwise: no.

  9. edrevets February 7, 2012 at 3:28 am #

    imagine that same scenario but with human children…..take them to the doctor and doctor says, “timmy’s not eating because he’s planning on devouring you.”

    now that’s freaky.

    • pithypants February 7, 2012 at 10:06 am #

      That’s twisted. In a good way.

  10. Magston III February 13, 2012 at 6:38 am #

    How many glasses of wine did it take to inspire that dialog??

    • Magston III February 13, 2012 at 6:40 am #

      I also know its 4am and I can’t spell

      • pithypants February 13, 2012 at 7:02 am #

        Oh look! We have a reader! Welcome back, Magston III.

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