Archive | July, 2010

Self-absorption: Volume One

30 Jul

Blogging can make a person frightfully self-important. There have been quite a few instances lately when I’ve had a random thought, and on the heels of it, I’ve thought: that is going on the blog. As if other people give a shit about the inner-workings of my warped brain.

Well, it’s Friday and my brain is tired, so here are a few of those random thoughts I’ve noted in the past week. Not because I think you care, but because the well is dry and this is all I can muster:

  • When people see me carrying three cans of Diet Mt. Dew and a box of Tic Tacs down the sidewalk at lunchtime, are they thinking, “What a nice girl, doing a soda run for her office?” or are they thinking, “Holy shit. That girl will be dead in about three years if that’s her lunch?”
  • The article I just read suggested meeting three strangers each week. Does the woman I routinely talk to in the bathroom whose name I don’t know count as one? Or is she not a stranger since we are friendly already?
  • This call is going to suck. I’m going to pretend I’m “playing business” like I did as a kid and just be glad someone else is willing to pretend to be a client.
  • How many other people completely dry their shower before getting out of it? And since I’m essentially wiping it down daily, do I need to clean it each week?
  • I’m not sure if my mute button works. If I refill my cup from the Deer Park jug during this conference call, will someone hear it and think I’m peeing?
  • I’m so glad I have toenails!
  • Why don’t they put the sink outside the bathroom?
  • I love the library. It’s like having a store that always takes returns.
  • Why am I even trying to drive while holding a vase of flowers in my right hand? Is this more or less dangerous than people who text and drive?
  • Why do you hear about lottery winners, but you never hear about anyone who wins the million dollar sweepstakes award from a soft drink or candy company? Do those contests even have payouts? And if the companies don’t receive press for it, why do they hold those contests? I’m pretty sure it doesn’t affect anyone’s buying decisions.

Observation: Mad Men

28 Jul

BEFORE: Hot John Hamm aka Donald Draper, whom I would call Boss.

Is it just me, or did John Hamm’s face jump the shark between seasons? He looks like an alien now, as opposed to my fantasy boss. That’s all I’m saying.

Suggestion: Please eat off a plate. Not off your baby.

28 Jul

At Whole Foods tonight, I was about to help myself to a chunk of gruyere, until I saw a toddler break free of his dad, run to the cheese station, stick his hands above his head and wildly jam them in the opening of the cheese stand feeling for any pieces of cheese he could grab.

At that point, I kind of threw up in my mouth. Needless to say, I passed on the gruyere.

Something about babies’ and toddlers’ hands and mouths disgust me. Maybe it’s because I’m completely lacking a maternal instinct, or maybe it’s because – as often as not – these parts of kids are coated with some unidentifiable greenish-yellow mucus. Call me crazy, but I would rather eat a grape off my toilet seat than let a child hold it before putting it in my mouth.

Perhaps one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever witnessed is this move: Mother is spoon-feeding her child… Food misses kid’s mouth and ends up all around it… Mother cleans up face by collecting the puree in a spoon – then eats it herself… ACK!

And that’s why I don’t have babies: I would be a non-stop puking machine. Then again, I might actually stand a chance of losing the baby weight.

No. Don’t worry: I will not reproduce.

You’re welcome.

Get your mind out of the gutter: I’m talking about caulk.

27 Jul

Last night I re-caulked my guest shower.

I know. You’re thinking, “Damn. This girl sure does love some caulk.”

And you’re right. I caulked my old bathtub before moving, my new bathtub (twice because of faulty caulk), and now my new guest shower. I am turning into something of a Caulk Artist (not like this guy, who is a clever Cock Artist).

Seriously, click on that link. It will provide you with two minutes of magic, the likes of which you haven’t seen since you last purchased a MAD Magazine.

Anyway, the problem with caulking is that I’m a perfectionist. Caulking is easy; it’s the prep work that sucks. I spend days tearing out caulk, using a razor blade to get every last trace out, then a sanding sponge and dustbuster to make sure it’s 100% clean and ready for new caulk. So although I’m good at it, I kind of hate it.

Which got me to thinking… most people probably hate it.

And that lead to a brainstorm, which sounded something like this:

If ever I lose my day job, I could make a living by caulking people’s tubs for them.

There is a need for that.

I always look in people’s tubs when I am at their house peeing, and I am disgusted.

This is a business plan waiting to be written!

Wait. What would I name this business?

Stop, Caulk, and Roll? (Because it’s a mobile business!)

Caulk and Balls? (Would somehow need to incorporate ball bearings. Not sure how.)

Caulk-a-doodle-doo! (Enough said.)

Caulk-a-memi. (Again.)

Piece of Caulk! (For the Martin Short fans in the bunch.)

Back to the drawing board.

Two tinkles to a flush?

26 Jul

My father is an ardent environmentalist, so I grew up accepting certain practices as normal, only to discover as an adult that most people do not, in fact, live that way. I’ve been away from home long enough that when I do go back, I am guiltily reminded of how far off the farm I’ve wandered.

I was on the back porch of my parents’ home in Michigan this last week, eating dinner with them, when the phone rang. My mom took the call and it was one of her fellow members from Garden Club. They talked for a surprising length of time since my mom is not a phone person, but even more surprising was what they talked about.

“Two tinkles to a flush,” I heard her proclaim. “That’s the only rule!”

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