Suggestion: Please eat off a plate. Not off your baby.

28 Jul

At Whole Foods tonight, I was about to help myself to a chunk of gruyere, until I saw a toddler break free of his dad, run to the cheese station, stick his hands above his head and wildly jam them in the opening of the cheese stand feeling for any pieces of cheese he could grab.

At that point, I kind of threw up in my mouth. Needless to say, I passed on the gruyere.

Something about babies’ and toddlers’ hands and mouths disgust me. Maybe it’s because I’m completely lacking a maternal instinct, or maybe it’s because – as often as not – these parts of kids are coated with some unidentifiable greenish-yellow mucus. Call me crazy, but I would rather eat a grape off my toilet seat than let a child hold it before putting it in my mouth.

Perhaps one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever witnessed is this move: Mother is spoon-feeding her child… Food misses kid’s mouth and ends up all around it… Mother cleans up face by collecting the puree in a spoon – then eats it herself… ACK!

And that’s why I don’t have babies: I would be a non-stop puking machine. Then again, I might actually stand a chance of losing the baby weight.

No. Don’t worry: I will not reproduce.

You’re welcome.

2 Responses to “Suggestion: Please eat off a plate. Not off your baby.”

  1. KimoneCloud July 6, 2011 at 9:50 pm #

    not trying to jinx you or anything, but it’d be kinda funny if you did end up pregnant lolz. . .again no jinxment to occur

    • pithypants July 6, 2011 at 10:02 pm #

      I think double un-jinxing is secretly hoping to jinx someone. No? Or am I using the “two wrongs” logic incorrectly here? In any case, my boyfriend has had Le Snip, so if I end up pregnant, there’s a whole different post (involving a malpractice suit) in the works!

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