Archive | June, 2010

Again, THIS is how people find me?

28 Jun

Today’s three google searches that led people to my blog:

  • wow chips warning label
  • fail motto’s <sic>
  • are kashi bars causes of anal leakage

Seriously? Does this mean that if I ever become famous for blogging, it will only be within the poop community? (Whatever THAT is. I don’t even know, but I think I’d have banner ads sponsored by IBD medications… which, if you Google them – as I just did – you will find all seem to have “ass” as part of their commercial name. Ironic, no?)

Anyway, I kind of wish I had an Advice Column, because I would LOVE some details on that third person who got super specific about his supposed connection between Kashi and leakage. Here’s what I think his letter would read:

Dear Pithypants,

I’m hoping you can help me, because I fear there is a causal relationship between eating Kashi bars and crapping myself at work without realizing it. Can you please confirm that this is, in fact, the case?


Perhaps Out Of Possibilities (Poop)

My response would be:

“Depends on how you tried to insert it. More details please.”

And yes, that is why I will never have a famous blog. Because nothing 12-year olds say is riveting.

Wow. Who knew it was enough of a problem that someone started a group?

Stream of Consciousness: I might be reading into things.

24 Jun

When I stepped onto my most recent flight, the door to the cockpit was still open. I couldn’t see the pilots, but I could see their hats, hanging on two pegs just inside the cockpit door.

One of the hats had photos of his three children taped inside it. I’m sure most people would look at that and think, “Aw, how sweet.”

I, on the other hand? Well, I looked at it and thought:

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It’s not a job; it’s a vocation.

23 Jun

You hear people talk about callings and vocations all the time. “Oh, it’s not a job,” they tell you with a slight trace of superiority, “I would do it even if I weren’t paid.”

I’ve always been like, “Yeah, sure. Let me know how your mortgage works out for you.” That is, until today.

I think I finally was able to see it.

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All lightsabers must be inspected. No exceptions.

21 Jun

This morning the airport was a typical Monday zoo. I was behind a dorky looking couple that went out of its way to engage with the TSA worker who was shouting out security checkpoint reminders.

TSA: Please remove all laptops and electronic devices and place in a plastic bin.

Dork: Tell me more about the types of electronic devices that need to come out of a bag.

TSA: Well, what do you have that you’re unsure of.

Dork: The question is what don’t I have. <Snickers with equally dorky wife>

OK. It’s not very charitable for me to label them as dorks without providing some of the indicators and parameters of dorkiness.

First, he was wearing denim shorts – also known as “jorts” (deriving from “jeans shorts”) which were last popular with non-retirees in 1991.

(Why the age-based stipulation? Because AARP members can dress however they would like without looking dorky. Or rather, it is expected that retirees give up on being trendy, just go with what’s comfortable and have earned the right to tell anyone who judges them to piss off.)

Second, he had a Bluetooth in his ear the entire time we were waiting in line (25 minutes) without actually using it to make or receive a phone call. That’s like a techie’s earring.

The TSA worker even pointed to it and said, “You’ll need to put that in the bin as well,” to which the Dork just nodded but didn’t remove it. He waited until the last possible minute to give it up, presumably because he was waiting for a VERY IMPORTANT call.

When he loaded up his bin, I was too distracted by dealing with my own stuff to notice what sorts of electronic devices he was unpacking, so I had to wait until we were on the other side of the x-ray to watch him reclaim his items.

What did he have? High-end camera equipment? Multiple laptops? iPhones aplenty? Um, no. Try Walkie-Talkies. Four of them. And one Bluetooth headset.