Archive | 9:12 pm

Stream of Consciousness: The Dentist

4 Jun

I went to the dentist this week. Let’s just agree that there is nothing but pain and humor that comes from a trip to the dentist.

So let’s start with my mental conversation with the hygienist:

Hygienist: Wow. Your gums sure bleed easily.

Me(ntally): Please do not lecture me about flossing.

Hygienist: Do you floss regularly?

Me: <Ambiguous head roll combined with wink and gurgle>

Hygienist: So maybe you could try to floss more. Or use a Sonicare toothbrush.

Me: <Silence>

Hygienist: I love my Sonicare. Everyone in my family uses it. There’s even a compartment where you can sterilize your brush heads so that if mulitiple people use it you know there aren’t germs.

Me(ntally): Fascinating. Aren’t you all still sticking the same nasty wand in your mouths? Gross.

Hygienist: In fact, I’ve actually given it as a gift before – for graduations or birthdays.

Me(ntally): That must be a hit. Seriously – have you been invited to any follow-up parties? Do people give you floss for Christmas? L-A-M-E.

Hygienist: You know, we sell the high-end Sonicare brush for $50 less than Costco. They charge $179 plus tax and we only charge $129 with no tax.

Me(ntally): Do you get kick-backs? Who is paying you to talk this much about a f*cking toothbrush?

Hygienist: It’s funny how people don’t like flossing.

Me(ntally): Funny “ha ha” or funny weird? Or actually not funny at all? Because we all know flossing sucks, right?

Hygienist: It’s amazing how much your gums are bleeding!

Me(ntally): Actually, it’s amazing that you’re treating that floss like razor wire and trying to deliberately slice my gums. Who – in the name of God – actually flosses like this!?

To be continued…