Archive | June, 2010

Texas is his kryptonite?

20 Jun

Yes, you can find anything on the internet. Even a naked man wearing a cowboy hat.

A few weeks ago, Alan wrote a post speculating about what super-power he would like to have. Friday night we were hanging out with my friends Mike and Betsy and the topic came up again, because Betsy was trying to describe some of the people who would be at their BBQ the next night.

“Tim will be there. He doesn’t use verbs.”

“Huh? Like how?”

“Like when we were talking about our super-powers, he just said, ‘cowboy hat bar girls.'”

“Wait a minute. What is that super-power?”

“Apparently his thing is to wear a cowboy hat out to the bar and act as a wingman for his friends. The hat attracts girls but usually because they think it’s weird. They come over to ask him about it, then his friend, who looks normal by comparison, can go in for the kill.”

“And that works?”

“Apparently, because I asked some of Tim’s friends what his super-power would be, and everyone brought up the cowboy hat.”

Odd. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that this super-power becomes decided less potent if one is trolling for chicks in, say, Texas.

Should I be scared of my stove, or the guy who labeled it?

18 Jun

The other night when Alan was over, waiting for a flank steak to broil in the oven, we started looking at all the dials on my new stove. And we had a few observations.

First, I’m not sure I understand the function of a “PROOF” button on my stove. Will it spellcheck my meals? Will it demonstrate that the food is, in fact, cooking? Seriously – what the hell is that about? And even more frightening – a “PROBE” function? Are you an appliance or my gyno? And if you are an appliance, what dill-hole named that function?

And this one can only be explained by a bad copywriter (or a witty one):

Seriously. I think even second graders know that burning bridges is not a desirable thing.

And now you know why we’re friends…

17 Jun

I just received a card in the mail from my friends Shannon and Greg, announcing that they’re expecting a second child. But instead of it being a frilly, flowery “aren’t babies the cutest things ever” kind of card, it was definitely more my speed. Here’s the front:

She gets points for finding a way to A) Tee up her announcement as a riddle of sorts, and B) Subtly work in a little bathroom humor. THANK YOU for not sending me some Precious Moments announcement.

And on the inside, the expected due date? October 29, exactly ONE DAY before my birthday. Do we think this is a coincidence or do we think that Shannon and Greg sat down, looked at the calendar, reversed everything out and decided to get it on at a time when they would be most likely to have a child that shared my birth date? I’m going with the latter.

So thank you, you considerate friends who did not make me vomit by sending me a cutesy announcement, and for taking my birthday into consideration when you decided to copulate. I’ve never been so flattered!

My iPhone is a bigger bitch than I am.

16 Jun

Alan is coming in tonight to (hopefully) hang out. We’ve both been buried with a lot of work lately – hence the “hopefully” in that sentence. Anyway, his goal was to arrive at my place around 4pm so he could buckle in and wrap up his day here before we venture down to my old place to get some of the last few items out of it then off to dinner.

It’s now 6:15pm and instead of Alan, I get a text from him. The message is along the lines of, “Sorry! Running late. Day is a cluster. Moving as fast as I can!”

It’s nice of him to send me that, because generally I am stickler about punctuality. I plan down to the nanosecond, so if you’re even five minutes off, it has probably sent my universe into a tailspin and I’m pacing the floors or tapping my foot, getting decidedly bent out of shape.

But tonight, I’m  still trying to crank out some work and not eyeing the clock, so I’m not upset that he’s running 2+ hours behind schedule. Except, when I go to respond to his text, my phone has a mind of its own.

I try to write, “Jiggy!”

Steve Jobs decides to auto-correct me. So instead, my response to Alan’s news that he’s running late is: “Night!”

Hmmm. Is it possible for technology to be passive aggressive? If so, I think I might need more of it.

I hate it when that happens.

15 Jun

If both of these are YOUR feet, it's cool. If one is not, it's AWKWARD.

So one of the most awkward category of human encounters I can think of is when someone is touching you without realizing it.

You know what I’m talking about: When you’re grabbing lunch with a client and somehow someone plants their foot right on top of yours without realizing it. And you either respond quickly and slide your foot away, or – more commonly – freeze, hoping they’ll adjust their foot and you can reposition yours without them noticing. But then they DON’T move theirs, and you sit there, unable to fully engage in conversation, because you are so fixated on holding that foot PERFECTLY STILL. Because now a decent period of time has passed, enough that if you DO move your foot, they are going to think you a freak for not having just pulled it away when they first stepped on it.

Right? This has happened to you, too, right?

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