Archive | August, 2010

Celebrity Look-Alikes: Compliment or Cut-down?

31 Aug

Tonight I had to restrain myself on Facebook. One of my friends posted a photo of his teenage daughter’s new haircut.

My first reaction: Awww! She looks like Pam Beasley on The Office!

I almost typed that, thinking it was a compliment, but then I realized a teenager might not want to identify with the adorable secretary on a show that is cast with people who aren’t overtly pretty, but who are pretty average (at least by Hollywood standards).

Thankfully, I restrained myself.

A few years ago, I wasn’t quite as thoughtful. I informed my new co-worker: You know who you look exactly like? Andy Kaufman!

The words had just left my mouth when I processed his facial expression. It was not unlike someone discovering that they have as many nipples as a cat: fascination turning into horror.

For a minute it crossed my mind to say, “I meant you remind me of him because you’re so funny!” But I don’t find Andy Kaufman funny. So instead, I just said, “It must be the eyes,” and left it at that.

But that’s kind of the thing, right? No one will ever be as attractive as the celebrity to whom you are comparing them (unless it’s Andy Kaufman!), so it’s always going to be a losing battle.

On a recent trip to Chicago, someone on the team there told my friend Margaret that she looks like Barbara Hershey. And then promptly had to follow-up with, “You know, except she’s a brunette. And she’s older than you. And…”

Based on that description, she could be MY celebrity look-alike.

Awesome. Sure beats the Steve Buscemi comparisons.

I am an idiot. I was an idiot. And I will continue to be an idiot.

27 Aug

When I got home from work mid-day Tuesday to walk Shadow, I went to my thermostat to turn off the AC since it was an unseasonably cool 75 degrees outside. But my thermostat was off. The display wasn’t working, and try as I might, I could not figure out what the problem was. (I checked the circuit box and nothing appeared to be tripped.)

I felt fortunate with the timing – it would have SUCKED to lose AC on a typical 95 degree August day in DC. But to lose it at 75? Not bad. I called the company that installed it a year and set up a service appointment for the next day. They gave me a window of between 1-5pm.

So on Wednesday, I arrived home at 1pm and waited for the HVAC tech to arrive. It was 85 degrees out, so we were creeping into uncomfortable territory. I waited. And called to confirm my appointment. And waited. And emailed to confirm my appointment. And the technician NEVER showed up.

First thing yesterday morning I emailed the coordinator and told her that I’d been stood up. Here is her response:

Oh are you serious! Ms Farmer, I am not sure what happen, but yes we will have someone there between 10-2. Again I do apologize I will also talk to the tech and find out what happen.

I forwarded her response to Alan, who commented, “Well, now we know why the timing is off. Clearly she doesn’t understand tenses.”

I offered a counter thought. “Actually, maybe she has never learned the past tense because they never finish anything – so she only ever needs to speak in the present?”

Whatever our theories, the guy ended up showing up at 3pm – an hour past the end of his scheduled window. I couldn’t get too upset though, because he walked in, flipped my circuit breaker (which I swear was still in the on position and had not tripped), and it was fixed. I felt like an idiot for not having done that myself, but did learn a bit about how the moisture sensor works, so it wasn’t a total wash.

As I sit here and deride the nice woman’s grammar on my blog, it occurs to me: it is entirely possible that she is blogging about how a dumb customer just needed to reset her circuit breaker. Anything’s possible, right?

An Introduction to Shadow The Wonder Dog.

25 Aug

I’m dog-sitting my friend Betsy’s dog, Shadow, this week. Whoa. I know – everyone is thinking back to every post I’ve ever written that includes the letters “OCD” and wondering how I’m functioning with a dog in my residence.

Well, it’s easy, actually. Because Shadow is ALSO OCD. At least, she’s willing to indulge humans’ OCD tendencies. She’s incredibly well-trained. Don’t believe me? Check out this (poorly filmed) video of her eating breakfast:

Have you ever seen a dog that can sit in front of a bowl of food and NOT eat it until given a command? Actually, the incredible thing is that you can leave the room or make her wait an hour and she won’t cheat. I don’t know many humans with that kind of willpower. (And for the record, PETA, I don’t marinate cats OR make her wait an hour – so just simmer down with your claims of cruelty.)

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I blame the internet for making me dumb and callous.

24 Aug

One of my friends shared the link to this story via Facebook.

Please take three minutes and read it, so you understand why I’m rolling on the floor while I type. (And yes, I recognize that sexual predators are NOT a laughing matter. What? Do I have your attention NOW? See why you need to read it?)

If you haven’t yet read it, let me offer a visual teaser:

Classic: Business up front, party in the rear.

My thoughts – in no particular order:

Nothing like someone who self-identifies as a pervert. If only he would lose the mustache and mullet, people might not cross the street when they see him coming. And he might actually get to finish a massage without someone asking to see his credentials.

That is a cocky smile for a mug shot, no? It’s because deep down, he knows that the policeman who arrested him thinks his plan was somewhat brilliant. I mean: posing as a masseuse and wandering around a movie set? How many men across America are slapping their foreheads, wishing they had thought of this themselves? Answer: All of them.

And please tell me you appreciate the irony here… The movie that was being filmed was called “Touchback.” Apparently this man took that literally. But who can blame him, with a last name like “Ketchapaw,” it’s almost like he was fulfilling his destiny.

Finally, since I’m already going to hell for finding humor in tragedy, let me leave you with this story, which is NOT AT ALL funny, except for the neighbor’s comment of “whoa!” and the fact that the cat had been seasoned and the  idea that the male cat was pregnant:

Sorry, PETA.

Butchers make odd bedfellows.

23 Aug

If you’re not familiar with Groupon, it’s a site that has one deal each day. You typically spend a certain amount of money to purchase the coupon, then receive twice that value in goods/services when you use the coupon. It’s awesome.

Anyway, part of my morning ritual is to visit the site and see if I’m interested in the deal. Today’s featured business struck me as odd:

No… don’t get me wrong. The meat sounds great. But check out the “Highlights” section… I’m just wondering how NHL and NFL Jerseys factor into a butcher shop? Or, how many people swing into Springfield Butcher looking for a good New York Strip and end up impulsively buying a Giants jersey instead.

Because meat and jerseys go together like peanut butter and couches.