Archive | 11:39 am

In that case, I wouldn’t classify it as an emergency.

10 Aug

My good friend Karen recently started working as a 911 dispatcher in Chicago.

Today, her Facebook status relayed the following exchange between her and a caller.

Caller: There’s a man sleeping on a bench in the park. He looks a mess and his pants are following down.

Karen: Do you have any further description?

Caller: Well, his junk is all out.

Karen (trying to maintain professional decorum): So he is exposing himself?

Caller: <Silence>

Karen (as it slowly dawns on her): Ohhhhh. You mean his belongings…

I love that I have a friend who immediately made the leap from “his junk is all out” to “he’s exposing himself?” because that’s exactly where my mind would’ve gone.

Except my response probably would’ve lacked her professionalism:

“The twig, the berries or both? I need you to be more specific, ma’am.”

Why I’m not a television producer.

10 Aug

Last night, while walking into my kitchen and seeing a tray full of enchiladas that I had made (ostensibly to take for lunch the rest of the week), I thought, “Well, don’t mind if I do!”

Except the thing is, I used a high-pitched lady voice that sounded the actor in “Little Britain USA” when he impersonates the old woman who talks to her dog. It was really weird, and my head-voice creeped me out a bit.

But ONLY a little bit, because immediately after, I thought – back in my normal head-voice, “Someone should start a 30 minute television show, called ‘Don’t Mind If I Do!” It would be kind of like Candid Camera, except people would just help themselves to other people’s things.

Interestingly, this is one of the first image results on Google when I searched for "Don't Mind If I Do!"

Picture it: Someone is taking cash from an ATM; another person walks by, announces “Don’t Mind if I Do!” and pushes the person out of the way to claim the dispensed bills. Same thing at Ben & Jerry’s, except it’s an ice cream cone. Or at the Metro, the last person to squeeze on the train after shoving someone else out of the way.

I’m thinking there’s high comedic potential here.

Don’t mind if I do!