Archive | July, 2010

Drinking brings out my Inner-Martha.

13 Jul

Apparently even Martha does it. So it must be OK.

Would someone please tell me why it is that whenever I indulge in a few drinks beyond my limit, I suddenly start offering up services that would warrant an entire season’s worth of HGTV?

Case in point: this weekend at my friend Tony’s wedding reception, I saw my friends Seth and Johnnie. They confessed that they had exchanged rings in their own private commitment ceremony of sorts, and immediately, I jumped on the “OH MY GOD, WE MUST THROW YOU A RECEPTION” bandwagon.

Nevermind that they made their commitments to each other PRIVATELY quite a while ago.

Suddenly, I fancied myself a wedding planner. I zipped through the details quickly, as if I’d done it a thousand times. “So what I’m thinking, it’s going to set you back a couple grand – can you swing that? Most of that will be a band and liquor. We’ll do the rest of it as a potluck picnic in an Arlington County park. I’ll call on Monday to find out their reservation and rental system…”

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Seth asked me repeatedly.

“Of course! Are you kidding?” I was unstoppable.

Until I woke up the next morning. It had sounded like a marvelous idea at the time, but in the sober dawn of a new day, the realities of my world came crashing back on me. I travel 50% of the time; I work 10-12 hour days when I’m not traveling; I’ve just moved into a new place which I need to finish furnishing, painting and decorating. When, exactly, had I thought I would have time to plan a celebration? I still haven’t pulled of a housewarming.

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If you’re going to read cue cards, be sure they were written by Bruce Vilanch

12 Jul

Admittedly, I’m something of a freak when it comes to public speaking: I love it.

And because I love it, I wrongly assume that EVERYONE must love it.

This morning, I was reminded that this is a faulty assumption.

I’m attending the Online Marketing Summit at the National Press Club. It’s a day-long seminar with speakers covering topics that range from effective lead scoring, to effective integration strategy, to maximizing paid search investment. Overall, it’s good quality information, presented by qualified professionals.

Except for this one guy. We’re simply going to call him “Ted” in the interest of not publicly humiliating him. (Because although I have a non-existent blog following, the dude IS in social media, so presumably he will google himself after the conference to see what people said.)

Anyway, I should have left Ted’s session when he finished his introduction. When someone opens with, “This is actually my CMO’s presentation, so I’m going to be reading from this handout a decent amount,” you should just cut bait and roll. This is a valuable lesson: remember it.

Because unless – like a four year old – you enjoy being read to, it’s not going to get better. Poor Ted. Not only did he read from her handout, but given the number of words he tripped over, it seemed like it was actually the first time he’d read the material. I started imagining how his morning had played out, and figured it went something like this:

Ted: Hey Maria, I think your presentation is going to be awesome!

Maria: I really shouldn’t have eaten clams casino for breakfast.

Ted: Maria, you look a little green…

Maria: I’m going to be sick – here – take this deck and deliver my presentation for me!

Ted: What?!

Maria: You’ll be fine. It will practically deliver itself. Just read it.

Ted: F*ck.

The thing is, had I been in college, I would’ve enjoyed Ted’s presentation. Know why? Because although he imparted no added value to the material, he had a catch-phrase that would’ve made for an EXCELLENT drinking game.  The only rule would’ve been: Whenever Ted says “in essence,” everyone must drink. And at the end of his presentation, the entire audience would’ve been drunk. In essence.

On second thought, perhaps THAT is the lesson to be learned: If you find yourself suddenly thrust into the role of presenter without any familiarity with the material, do NOT try to wing it. Instead, admit your ignorance, break out a deck of cards, and suggest the audience join you in a game of “Asshole” – before they beat you to the punch. In essence.

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Your dog sleeps with the fishes…

8 Jul

My mind works frighteningly well when it comes to revenge.

For example, the other day a friend shared a Facebook post with me via email that said, “What do i do with the cockroach i taped into the bathroom sink?”

My response (which was about as reflexive as breathing), was, “I assume you closed the drain and put tape over the overflow hole? In that case, I recommend you pour Dran-O down the hole, light a match, drop that down the hole, urinate into the hole  via a funnel, then send aphids down. Other than that, I’m at a loss.”

Alan’s response to that was, “Remind me never, ever to make you mad.”

That’s sage advice, because I come by this revenge thing honestly. It’s in my genes.

Growing up, we knew that the “I don’t get mad, I get even,” mug belonged to my mother. And if you used it, well… you could expect consequences.

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Animal Farm + Stephen King = The Stuff Nightmares Are Made Of

5 Jul

There is a reason you are not supposed to feed the animals.

I think I might have some nightmares about peacocks tonight. I know, it sounds ridiculous. “A friggin’ peacock?” you’re probably saying to yourself right now. “But they’re just birds!”

Well, let me warn you: hot dog buns are to peacocks what crystal meth is to rednecks. Their natural state may be harmless and dumb, but introduce hot dog buns and you will end up with crazed peacocks chasing you, pecking at you, and screaming bloody murder for, “MORE MORE MORE” hot dog buns.

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Club Quarters: Where you get a quarter of the room for half the price!

2 Jul

People who know me well know it’s a point of pride that I’m frugal. I like sniffing out a deal and can rarely justify a splurge on something that isn’t going to be with me for least five years. When I travel for work, people think it’s funny that I routinely seek out cheap hotels even though I’m not footing the bill. I can’t help it – it’s just not in my DNA to waste money.

I will say that this frugality has led to a few choice lodging options along the way – like when I awoke flea bitten in Los Angeles or thought I’d picked up bedbugs at a place in Chicago – but overall, it works out just fine. That is, until someone in my company asks for a recommendation of where to stay.

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