Your dog sleeps with the fishes…

8 Jul

My mind works frighteningly well when it comes to revenge.

For example, the other day a friend shared a Facebook post with me via email that said, “What do i do with the cockroach i taped into the bathroom sink?”

My response (which was about as reflexive as breathing), was, “I assume you closed the drain and put tape over the overflow hole? In that case, I recommend you pour Dran-O down the hole, light a match, drop that down the hole, urinate into the hole  via a funnel, then send aphids down. Other than that, I’m at a loss.”

Alan’s response to that was, “Remind me never, ever to make you mad.”

That’s sage advice, because I come by this revenge thing honestly. It’s in my genes.

Growing up, we knew that the “I don’t get mad, I get even,” mug belonged to my mother. And if you used it, well… you could expect consequences.

My favorite story about my mom’s quest for revenge goes like this: She loves her yard and slaves over it. So naturally it pissed her off when someone started walking their dog down our street and letting it crap in our yard. She couldn’t figure out who it was, because it always happened when we weren’t there.

It became obvious that it was either happening late at night or early in the morning, so she sat vigil on our front porch one night and witnessed the act in person. She then followed the offender and his dog home, tailing them stealthily for only a block before they turned up a driveway and called it a night.

Did she knock on the door and confront them? No. Instead, she waited… and waited… and methodically shoveled piles of dog crap into small boxes that bank checks come in. And at the end of the week, she walked down the street and slid them through the mailslot so that they landed on the foyer floor with a satisfying thud. (That’s right – it wasn’t just in a mailbox, it went right into his house.)

The card that went with them said something along the lines of, “I don’t shit in your yard, so please don’t let your dog shit in mine. Next time, it won’t be in boxes.”

And you know what? Problem solved.

Somehow I think Don Vito Corleone would’ve thought her talent was wasted as a school teacher.

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