Archive | April, 2010

It’s going to take more than a squirt of Fabreeze.

30 Apr

Dear Dog Owner,

You might love your dog so much that you’re impervious to the scent of his crap, but for the rest of us, it’s the most awful, pungent aroma of all time. We appreciate that you tried to take care of it, but here’s a tip: if there’s still a dark spot on the carpet, you need to keep at it.

Otherwise, you will also have a pile of vomit to clean up.

Thanks,

Alison

A day in my life, in Jeopardy format.

27 Apr

I’m too tired to write a fully-formed post. So instead, I’m going to share three of the random thoughts that have gone through my head in the past 24 hours. I’ll supply the thought first and the trigger second, in an attempt to drive Alec Trebek wild with enthusiasm.

Here goes…

Thought #1: “Well, I might be aging but you are too and at least I’m doing it with a roof over my head. Wait. I’m moving. Maybe I will be fired or won’t be able to afford my new mortgage and I’ll end up homeless. In which case this was not only a mean thought, but an ironic one. I want to take it back! I’m an evil, awful person for thinking that!”

Trigger #1: What is the one response to a homeless man, shouting, “Damn Sugar. Ain’t getting any younger!” at me today?

Thought #2: “I really need to find a new pool.”

Trigger #2: What is the appropriate reaction to finding a dirty (by which I mean USED) and water-logged tampon sitting on top of the soap dispenser in a shower stall at my pool? Enough said. (Vomit.)

Thought #3: “Is it my mat or the blanket that smells like fish?”

Trigger #3: What is a yogic mystery? Somehow I managed to choose a blanket at yoga tonight that smelled like it was washed with clam juice. Every time I did a downward-facing dog, I found myself pulling a few extra, curious drags of air to diagnose the odor. Halfway through class, I pinpointed the blanket, traded it for another and the problem was solved. Oddly, I was not craving clams casino when I left class.

A sincere birthday wish for my friend Holly…

26 Apr

Grammar Police: A lesson in homophones

24 Apr

You might be scratching you head, saying, “But I thought the word was homonym, Alison?” So let’s start with that.

In the most technical sense, a homonym is a word that is spelled the same and pronounced the same, but has two different meanings. An example would be the word “left” – which can be a direction (turn left!) or a verb (he left). Wikipedia actually does an awesome job mapping out the differences between not only homophones and homonyms, but also some of lesser-known linguistic concepts – as visually represented here:

Wikipedia was nice enough to create this Venn Diagram to help...

So technical framework aside, here’s why I’m all fired up about homophones: one of Alan’s Facebook “friends” (and we’re using the word loosely here) has taken to posting status updates from the toilet. It’s bad enough that she posts from the toilet (might want to warn her real-life friends not to borrow her PDA), but to make matters worse, the subject matter is usually what’s IN the toilet. For example, yesterday she high-fived herself publicly for having three solid stools in three hours. TMI.

Anyway, the tie in to homophones is this: she is trying to coin a phrase (“posting from the throne”) and get popular support for it on urbandictionary (though there’s not evidence that she’s even submitted it yet). The thing is, every time she makes this reference, she says “posting from the thrown.”

Alan and I were discussing it last night and decided he should add a comment saying, “You can post from the throne or you can throw a post, but you can’t post from the thrown” to see if that would help her.

But that kind of reminds me of the saying, “You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.” Which somehow ALSO strikes me as appropriate for this situation.

Don’t even ask why I’m posting this…

23 Apr

Happy Friday.

Ah, Technorati. This one’s for you: DS3BTVAB69N6.