Archive | 8:41 pm

When is a melon just a melon?

17 Apr

Today I saw a bumper sticker that said, “stop to squeeze the melons of life,” and I wondered if by melons it meant breasts.

And then, because “stop” wasn’t capitalized, I got worried that part of the sticker was missing, and it originally said, “I stop to squeeze the melons of life.” The reason I was worried was because maybe it was actually a warning, like “I brake for children” or “I make wide left turns” and it was possible that if I let my mind wander, I might rear-end this guy, because there were a lot of breasts ahead of us walking along the sidewalk.

But then we drove past them, and I didn’t rear-end him, so I figured he either actually meant melons, or that there never was an “I” on the sticker. Even so, I’m glad today wasn’t the farmer’s market. No need to bait the guy with produce stands.

Let me test my hypothesis…

17 Apr

Today has been a hellish day in the world of a home seller. I had insomnia last night and wanted to do little more than writhe around in my bed and nap intermittently today. But NO. Agents were slated to show my place from 11am – 3:30pm, so I had to make myself scarce.

I busied myself with yoga, grocery shopping and people-watching in the Circle, counting the minutes until 3:30 when I could get home, crawl in bed and take a fat nap. Just as I walked through my door at 3:45, my phone rang. It was an agent asking to show my place between 4-6pm.

Trying to NOT be bitchy, I asked if she could be a BIT more specific because I really would like to take a nap. Alas, she could not, so I gave her a nod to come by between 4-6pm.

The thing is, it’s now 6:30pm and she STILL hasn’t been here. Now I’m triple pissed because I could’ve taken not only a nap, but also a bath. And Murphy’s Law dictates that if I were to try to slip into the tub now, I would almost immediately hear a key in my door.

Let’s give it a shot. We’ll see if a tub filled with hot water conjures an agent like a ouiji board conjures spirits.

This 1968 ouiji board ad clearly sports a trick question. A model or a fashion designer? Well, let's see - you're already appearing in an advertisement, so what do YOU think the answer is? Oh, but can you tell me if that realtor will ever show up?