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Get your mind out of the gutter: I’m talking about caulk.

27 Jul

Last night I re-caulked my guest shower.

I know. You’re thinking, “Damn. This girl sure does love some caulk.”

And you’re right. I caulked my old bathtub before moving, my new bathtub (twice because of faulty caulk), and now my new guest shower. I am turning into something of a Caulk Artist (not like this guy, who is a clever Cock Artist).

Seriously, click on that link. It will provide you with two minutes of magic, the likes of which you haven’t seen since you last purchased a MAD Magazine.

Anyway, the problem with caulking is that I’m a perfectionist. Caulking is easy; it’s the prep work that sucks. I spend days tearing out caulk, using a razor blade to get every last trace out, then a sanding sponge and dustbuster to make sure it’s 100% clean and ready for new caulk. So although I’m good at it, I kind of hate it.

Which got me to thinking… most people probably hate it.

And that lead to a brainstorm, which sounded something like this:

If ever I lose my day job, I could make a living by caulking people’s tubs for them.

There is a need for that.

I always look in people’s tubs when I am at their house peeing, and I am disgusted.

This is a business plan waiting to be written!

Wait. What would I name this business?

Stop, Caulk, and Roll? (Because it’s a mobile business!)

Caulk and Balls? (Would somehow need to incorporate ball bearings. Not sure how.)

Caulk-a-doodle-doo! (Enough said.)

Caulk-a-memi. (Again.)

Piece of Caulk! (For the Martin Short fans in the bunch.)

Back to the drawing board.

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Stream of Consciousness: I might be reading into things.

24 Jun

When I stepped onto my most recent flight, the door to the cockpit was still open. I couldn’t see the pilots, but I could see their hats, hanging on two pegs just inside the cockpit door.

One of the hats had photos of his three children taped inside it. I’m sure most people would look at that and think, “Aw, how sweet.”

I, on the other hand? Well, I looked at it and thought:

Continue reading →

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Stream of Consciousness: The Dentist

4 Jun

I went to the dentist this week. Let’s just agree that there is nothing but pain and humor that comes from a trip to the dentist.

So let’s start with my mental conversation with the hygienist:

Hygienist: Wow. Your gums sure bleed easily.

Me(ntally): Please do not lecture me about flossing.

Hygienist: Do you floss regularly?

Me: <Ambiguous head roll combined with wink and gurgle>

Hygienist: So maybe you could try to floss more. Or use a Sonicare toothbrush.

Me: <Silence>

Hygienist: I love my Sonicare. Everyone in my family uses it. There’s even a compartment where you can sterilize your brush heads so that if mulitiple people use it you know there aren’t germs.

Me(ntally): Fascinating. Aren’t you all still sticking the same nasty wand in your mouths? Gross.

Hygienist: In fact, I’ve actually given it as a gift before – for graduations or birthdays.

Me(ntally): That must be a hit. Seriously – have you been invited to any follow-up parties? Do people give you floss for Christmas? L-A-M-E.

Hygienist: You know, we sell the high-end Sonicare brush for $50 less than Costco. They charge $179 plus tax and we only charge $129 with no tax.

Me(ntally): Do you get kick-backs? Who is paying you to talk this much about a f*cking toothbrush?

Hygienist: It’s funny how people don’t like flossing.

Me(ntally): Funny “ha ha” or funny weird? Or actually not funny at all? Because we all know flossing sucks, right?

Hygienist: It’s amazing how much your gums are bleeding!

Me(ntally): Actually, it’s amazing that you’re treating that floss like razor wire and trying to deliberately slice my gums. Who – in the name of God – actually flosses like this!?

To be continued…

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Stream of Consciousness: Swimming Tonight

11 May

Yes, I've clearly borrowed this from fotilia.com, as evidenced by their watermark all over it. I would use my own photo, but somehow I don't think my swim quite captured the meditative vibe I was going for. Had someone been there with a camera, it probably would've looked like an angry person drowning.

Oh God. This water is cold.

What was I thinking?

Maybe I’m not supposed to swim tonight.

I mean, first, there was the shampoo that leaked all over in my bag and coated all my swim stuff with UltraSwim.

I should’ve taken that as a sign and just gone home.

I wonder if there were suds when I jumped in the pool?

Damn. I should’ve paid attention.

Are there suds behind me now?

No. But I definitely smell the UltraSwim.

I wonder if there’s some in my goggles.

Probably.

Focus. You’re here to swim.

Your day sucked ass and this is how you put it behind you.

Get it out of your system.

You have 70 laps – well, maybe 50 because it *is* cold – to get over your crappy day.

I wonder if this is like a swimming meditation that I’m trying?

Does anyone do that?

If I’m the first person to do it, could I write a book about it?

Would there be enough interest that I could teach other people how to do it and go on lecture tours?

I think I need to stop thinking for it to be a meditation.

This isn’t going to work.

I can’t believe I forgot my flip-flops.

Disgusting. I probably should’ve just bailed and gone home.

The thought that I walked in the locker room unprotected makes me ill.

Now I probably will get a plantar’s wart – and only for 50 laps.

Maybe I should do 70 to make it worth it, just in case I do get a wart.

I’ll kick a little harder to try to wash off any wart juice I might have walked through.

But what about the shower?

That is going to be doubly-disgusting, because there will probably be long black hairs on the ground.

Why do black hairs bother me so much more than light hairs?

Do people with dark hair find light hair more revolting?

If I threw up in my mouth in the water, would anyone notice?

I clearly never swim very hard because I haven’t thrown up in the gutter.

Most swimmers do at some point.

Did Brian Guidry tell me that he threw up at practice sometime recently?

I’ll have to ask.

Wait. Am I getting competitive about throwing up while swimming?

What lap am I on?

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Saturday’s Swim: My (OCD) stream of thoughts…

22 Feb

Wow. The water feels colder than usual.

It’s been three weeks. I wonder if I’ll get tired fast.

The bandaid on my thumb is loose.

I hope it doesn’t fall off.

It was nice of that man to share his lane with me.

He doesn’t seem to be doing anything but standing.

Why is he wearing flippers?

There are a lot of kids here today.

How many of them have peed in this water?

Shit. There goes my bandaid.

I wonder if I’ll see it when I swim back the other way.

If I do see it, should I dive down and grab it?

What number lap is this? Seven?

Am I ten percent done already? Awesome!

I’m not as cold as I was when I first jumped in.

There! Is that my bandaid?

I’ll go get it.

Wait. That might not be my bandaid.

Oh my God. I almost touched someone else’s bandaid.

I want to wash my hands.

How ironic would that be?

There’s actually a lot of shit on the bottom of the pool.

I wonder when they’ll vacuum it.

Oh, here comes the guy in the flippers…

How can he be going that slow with flippers?

I wonder if anyone famous has ever swum in this pool.

Probably Mayor Fenty, but he’s not famous.

Is that lifeguard asleep?

He looks like his eyes are closed.

If only I could see him longer.

If someone drowns while he’s sleeping, would I be able to help?

Do I remember how?

The only thing I remember about life guard training is to be careful because a drowning person will try to climb on top of your head.

My aunt is always scared that cats will jump on top of her head.

That’s a weird fear.

What lap am I on?

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