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Stream of Consciousness: Hello, Dalai!

13 Jul

Strange bedfellows? Not if you can read the dialogue.

The Dalai Lama visited DC last week. I know because my yoga studio sent out an email encouraging me to attend his peace rally on the Mall.

And because the Whole Foods was teeming with people wearing saffron robes and sporting shaved heads Thursday night. Apparently — and don’t spread this around — Buddhists like to… Eat. Normal. Food.

Stop looking at me like that! I hadn’t given it much thought, but when I saw a couple of monks debating between bean burritos and a five layer dip, it struck me as odd. And then I forced myself to articulate what I thought their diet consisted of, and I could only come up with “grains.”

Woof. I am showing you my underbelly of ignorance here, people! This is me, trusting YOU.

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Kind of a stream of consciousness – but actually my tweets.

28 Feb

Last night I tuned in *briefly* to the Oscar’s red carpet arrivals via a live stream on line. Not that you care, but here is what I tweeted as a result.

Leo DiCaprio’s date is HUGE. Who’s the linebacker?

Oh wait – turns out it’s not Leo. That’s the director of Inception.

That makes more sense. You don’t go from Giselle to Girth.

I wonder if the director of Inception cast Leo because he looks like him?

Helena Bonham Carter looks like she hates this stuff. Why do introverts become actors? Don’t they realize this is part of it?

Gwyneth weighs approximately one pound. I could break her.

Has Donald Trump ever married a woman with a normal name? Melania? Sounds like a country.

Natalie Portman looks great. I love purple. Where is the dude who knocked her up? He should be walking the carpet with her.

Halle. Berry. Is. The. Most. Beautiful. Woman. Ever. FLAWLESS.

I understand that Jennifer Hudson lost massive amounts of weight. But I’d like to high-five the surgeon who gave her those breasts. That was a feat.

Jacki Weaver – I don’t know who you are, but if there’s a biopic of Katie Couric and someone needs to play the fatter, older version of her – it’s YOU!

Cate Blanchett – your dress looks like it’s missing something. Were you hoping for sponsorship?

Sharon Stone: you’ve had some work done, but I think it was paid under the table. Woof.

Christian Bale’s beard looks like something people should clean golf cleats on.

This morning I watched the highlights of the Oscars and it turns out Anne Hathaway and James Franco were as horrible as I predicted.

One tip for the producers? They might want to call this guy, to host next year. Sure, he probably couldn’t work off a script, but on the up-side, they wouldn’t have to pay Bruce Valance, and they’d be sure to get more that polite titters from the audience. Because everyone likes a train wreck.

Not so funny, but true: A watched pot doesn’t boil – my blood does.

27 Jan

This is what comes up when you google "Snowy Thundercat." In case you were curious.

The East Coast got pummeled with ThunderSnow yesterday. Upon hearing the forecast, my head immediately jumped to ThunderCats, so I was like, “COOL. BRING IT!”

And then I realized it was a snowstorm with lightning, and my revised thought was, “Um. I hope this doesn’t mess up my flight!”

Alas, it did. My 4:30pm flight to Detroit was cancelled at noon yesterday. At the time of the cancellation, the ground was completely dry and there was nary flake in the sky, so I thought USAirways was annoyingly cautious. I called to book another flight, and they attempted to put me on a 6pm flight to Philly that would connect to Detroit with a midnight arrival.

Um, thanks, but if you can’t get ONE plane off the ground when it’s not even snowing, I don’t have much confidence that you’ll be able to swing a two-leg flight that leaves later AND routes through a city that is forecast to receive even more snow than DC. So I asked what else they had that was direct, and got booked for 8:35 am today.

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Stream of Consciousness: A Rose by Any Other Name…

18 Oct

 

I swear to you, this is exactly the sequence of thoughts after getting home from my pottery class tonight.

How my brain works: it’s sad. I accept that.

Not bad! I might just have to post a little Facebook update about my pottery progress tonight.

“I trimmed six bowls and threw two more.”

Will people even know what that means?

Whatever. I’m a friggin’ potter, yo!

How cool would it be if my last name was Potter?

Alicia’s sixth grade teacher’s last name was Potter…

…and she wasn’t a potter.

What a waste.

With a last name like that, you should honor it.

That way, people would say, “Sandy Potter? Are you a potter? Ha ha!” thinking they’re clever and expecting you to say no.

But then you’d say, “Yes I am. Why are you laughing?” and SHAZAM – you’d have the upper-hand in that conversation.

Some people have all the luck.

<THINKING>

Hang on. My last name is ALSO a noun that could be a vocation.

But I live in the city and don’t even have a balcony.

How the hell could I farm?

Maybe I should move.

Or change my name so people don’t think I’m wasting it.

I had this exact patch sewn onto my overalls in fourth grade. Except it was in English. And it said: "I'm Proud to be A Farmer." And I modified it with a Sharpie so it said, "I'm Proud to be A. Farmer."

Stream of Consciousness: Swimming at a DC Public Pool

21 Sep

This locker room is what I would expect to find in a prison.

Except with more people in it.

And probably lice.

Soap on a rope!

Wow. That is one naked woman.

Why is she sitting on a chair in the shower?

Note to self: don’t ever sit naked on a chair in a public shower. Gross.

I’m glad the lifeguard didn’t ask for my ID today.

I must look urban.

I wonder if they would’ve stopped Alan.

Wow. The water is WARM.

I bet I’ll overheat.

Sweating in the water is weird.

But it happens.

Why does that sign say “Water Running?”

I don’t SEE any water running.

<Four laps later>

Ah ha! They mean “water running” as in “people running” in the water.

Not the water running.

That’s embarrassing. I’ve been here a half dozen times looking for running water.

That explains why the fat woman always hangs out in this lane and doesn’t swim.

Although actually, she’s not running. She’s water-standing.

I wonder if I’ll get kicked out of this lane?

I am hot.

I wonder if the water tastes saltier because I am sweating?

Is my key still stuck to my head?

<Patting back of head while breast-stroking>

It is! Good!

What would I do if it wasn’t there?

How ironic would that be?

If by trying to protect my stuff, I end up losing the  key.

Which would be worse: having someone steal my stuff because I left the key to my lock on the deck, or not being able to get to my stuff because I tied the key to my goggles and it fell off and disappeared into the pool drain?

Not sure.

Those girls have on the exact same suit.

I wonder if they’re on a team together?

If they are, then it’s not a good team because I’m faster than them.

I wonder if the lifeguard would actually notice if someone drowned?

Are they allowed to talk on their cell phones on duty?

I bet they are breaking the rules.

<Scanning bottom of pool to make sure no swimmers need to be rescued.>

How weird that I can’t wait to get out of the water to cool down.

I bet that’s why that woman was sitting on a chair in the shower: heat stroke.