Last night I tuned in *briefly* to the Oscar’s red carpet arrivals via a live stream on line. Not that you care, but here is what I tweeted as a result.
Leo DiCaprio’s date is HUGE. Who’s the linebacker?
Oh wait – turns out it’s not Leo. That’s the director of Inception.
That makes more sense. You don’t go from Giselle to Girth.
I wonder if the director of Inception cast Leo because he looks like him?
Helena Bonham Carter looks like she hates this stuff. Why do introverts become actors? Don’t they realize this is part of it?
Gwyneth weighs approximately one pound. I could break her.
Has Donald Trump ever married a woman with a normal name? Melania? Sounds like a country.
Natalie Portman looks great. I love purple. Where is the dude who knocked her up? He should be walking the carpet with her.
Halle. Berry. Is. The. Most. Beautiful. Woman. Ever. FLAWLESS.
I understand that Jennifer Hudson lost massive amounts of weight. But I’d like to high-five the surgeon who gave her those breasts. That was a feat.
Jacki Weaver – I don’t know who you are, but if there’s a biopic of Katie Couric and someone needs to play the fatter, older version of her – it’s YOU!
Cate Blanchett – your dress looks like it’s missing something. Were you hoping for sponsorship?
Sharon Stone: you’ve had some work done, but I think it was paid under the table. Woof.
Christian Bale’s beard looks like something people should clean golf cleats on.
This morning I watched the highlights of the Oscars and it turns out Anne Hathaway and James Franco were as horrible as I predicted.
One tip for the producers? They might want to call this guy, to host next year. Sure, he probably couldn’t work off a script, but on the up-side, they wouldn’t have to pay Bruce Valance, and they’d be sure to get more that polite titters from the audience. Because everyone likes a train wreck.
pithypants 
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