Tag Archives: Addictions

Stream of Consciousness: Swimming Tonight

11 May

Yes, I've clearly borrowed this from fotilia.com, as evidenced by their watermark all over it. I would use my own photo, but somehow I don't think my swim quite captured the meditative vibe I was going for. Had someone been there with a camera, it probably would've looked like an angry person drowning.

Oh God. This water is cold.

What was I thinking?

Maybe I’m not supposed to swim tonight.

I mean, first, there was the shampoo that leaked all over in my bag and coated all my swim stuff with UltraSwim.

I should’ve taken that as a sign and just gone home.

I wonder if there were suds when I jumped in the pool?

Damn. I should’ve paid attention.

Are there suds behind me now?

No. But I definitely smell the UltraSwim.

I wonder if there’s some in my goggles.


Focus. You’re here to swim.

Your day sucked ass and this is how you put it behind you.

Get it out of your system.

You have 70 laps – well, maybe 50 because it *is* cold – to get over your crappy day.

I wonder if this is like a swimming meditation that I’m trying?

Does anyone do that?

If I’m the first person to do it, could I write a book about it?

Would there be enough interest that I could teach other people how to do it and go on lecture tours?

I think I need to stop thinking for it to be a meditation.

This isn’t going to work.

I can’t believe I forgot my flip-flops.

Disgusting. I probably should’ve just bailed and gone home.

The thought that I walked in the locker room unprotected makes me ill.

Now I probably will get a plantar’s wart – and only for 50 laps.

Maybe I should do 70 to make it worth it, just in case I do get a wart.

I’ll kick a little harder to try to wash off any wart juice I might have walked through.

But what about the shower?

That is going to be doubly-disgusting, because there will probably be long black hairs on the ground.

Why do black hairs bother me so much more than light hairs?

Do people with dark hair find light hair more revolting?

If I threw up in my mouth in the water, would anyone notice?

I clearly never swim very hard because I haven’t thrown up in the gutter.

Most swimmers do at some point.

Did Brian Guidry tell me that he threw up at practice sometime recently?

I’ll have to ask.

Wait. Am I getting competitive about throwing up while swimming?

What lap am I on?

Lunchtime Haiku: My Suspicious Meal

21 Apr

What meat is in your meatballs?
I don’t want to know.

A Letter: to the woman next to me in yoga today…

19 Apr

Dear Lady:

(And I use the word “lady” loosely for reasons that will soon become evident.)

If you decide to hit a yoga class, how about you show up on time? Because the idea is to get relaxed and centered. And none of that is possible if a woman who is shaped like Sponge Bob comes to class ten minutes late, walking as if she has bricks strapped to her feet, and then proceeds to roll out her mat RIGHT NEXT TO ME, as if there’s not 200 sf of other real estate available in the room.

Further, if you ARE going to show up late (thereby calling attention to yourself and interrupting the channeling of my loving kindness) to nestle in close to me, then please, for the love of God and small puppies, SHAVE YOUR LEGS. Because the last thing I need to see, when I’m in a supine twist (my legs going one way and my head aimed in your direction) is a Hobbit-like leg, three inches from my face. It makes me want to find a grill lighter and start singeing your shin. Not very zen of me, but neither is your hairy drumstick.

I know, I should be all “I love Earth Mothers” and that – especially since I’m into yoga. But come on. If I can find the time to shave my legs (which are SIGNIFICANTLY less hairy than yours), you should be able to find the time to either a) shave, or b) don a pair of long pants so I don’t have to throw-up in my mouth repeatedly while trying to practice ujjai breathing.

Speaking of ujjai breathing – did you hear the song that was playing when you arrived? I think it was supposed to be “ujjai” that they were chanting, but by the time they mixed in the beats and repeated it quickly, it just sounded like “vaginavaginavagina” to me. Did you think so too? If you agree, I might be willing to cut you a pass on the hairy legs for one more session. I just want to know I wasn’t going crazy there on my mat.

Anyway. I’m sure you’ll be more punctual (and better groomed) next time. (See how yoga makes me more positive?)



Don’t get pissy just because I have a coupon…

31 Mar

Saturday night Alan and I went to Scion for dinner. We don’t eat out that often, and since I’m in the process of buying a new place, I’m hyper-sensitive to every line item on my bank account. As a result, our dining decisions are made on the basis of my Groupon selection. (Groupons are deals where you spend money in advance to get twice that amount as a credit at a bar/restaurant.)

In this case, I had spent $20 to receive a $40 credit at Scion. I’ll admit, I always feel a little awkward about busting out a coupon. The saving grace of Groupon is that it’s popular, so EVERYONE uses them, not just the frugal-minded.

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Jelly Bellies are more awesome without hair stuck to them

7 Mar

Note to Self:

I understand that you love Jelly Bellies, but it’s probably not a good idea to get excited and eat the lone/stray Jelly Belly that you find randomly in the back of the counter, in the pocket of your jacket or under the seat of your car. Even if it is in your favorite flavor.