Archive | October, 2010

Facebook: I actually DO have self-restraint.

7 Oct

Nothing to with this post, other than that it's made of pork. And it might be my dream house.

Someone commented on my friend Lisa’s Facebook status tonight. His name was Miguel L. Lama. I was tempted to ask if his middle name really started with an “L” or if he just wanted to be known as M. Llama. That means either he’s funny or his parents are.  (I’m not, because I immediately started to think of a way to suggest that if he were a DJ, he could go by “m night shyamallama.” I don’t even know why that struck me as funny.)

My friend Trudi posted this: “My fortune: “You are the crispy noodle in the vegetarian salad of life.”

My immediate thought was: “Mmm. Crispy noodles.” Which then got me thinking, “Mmmmm. Pork rinds.” So when I went to comment on her status, I typed, “Are you crispy because you were fried in pork lard?” But before I hit “share” I had the sense to think, “What if SHE is a vegetarian? It might be offensive to be compared to bacon fat.”

And then I thought, “OMG. I can’t imagine anyone would think that a bacon fat reference would be a good thing.” Except me. (And started banging my head against the wall as punishment for being obtuse. Yet also awesome because I like bacon so much.)

And then – because I clearly didn’t have enough reasons to know that comment would have gone over like a fart in church – it occurred to me: “Isn’t Trudi Jewish? Isn’t there something about pork that would make my comment doubly offensive to my Jewish friends?”

Now that I think of it: it’s actually kind of startling that I have ANY friends on Facebook.

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When multi-tasking goes wrong.

6 Oct

I pride myself on efficiency, but today I realized that it’s not always desirable to be efficient.

I realized this on my way to the bathroom at work, when the latest issue of People Magazine caught my eye on the reception desk. Without thinking, I grabbed it so I could skim the photos on my walk to the bathroom. It only occurred to me as I opened the bathroom door and encountered a co-worker what it might look like:

Oh, there goes Alison, disappearing into the bathroom with a People Magazine. Guess we won’t see her for a solid 20 minutes. (Like the use of solid there – impressive, no?)

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A Visual: How I’m Spending My Day

2 Oct

I’m no artist, and this is my first stab at a Venn Diagram, so bear with me. I just thought this would be less time-consuming than writing an essay about my plans for this fine Saturday:

And if you couldn’t tell, the point of this is: I’m actually very excited.

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This is how an appliance gives you the finger.

1 Oct

Let me refresh your memory. Four months ago I moved into a new place. It was so wonderful I did standing backflips just like Cuba Gooding Jr. in Jerry Maguire. (Can’t picture that? Here is a second refresher of how nimble I am.)

I was still backflipping when – on the second day of possession – I opened my freezer and found it FLOODED with water, some of which had formed icicles from the ice cube tray to the floor of the freezer. And there was still water spraying everywhere with the urgency of a dog dousing a fire hydrant.

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