Let me refresh your memory. Four months ago I moved into a new place. It was so wonderful I did standing backflips just like Cuba Gooding Jr. in Jerry Maguire. (Can’t picture that? Here is a second refresher of how nimble I am.)
I was still backflipping when – on the second day of possession – I opened my freezer and found it FLOODED with water, some of which had formed icicles from the ice cube tray to the floor of the freezer. And there was still water spraying everywhere with the urgency of a dog dousing a fire hydrant.
Needless to say, it stopped me mid-backflip and I obsessed over the next few days about how to remedy the situation, venturing home at lunch to see if the situation had gotten worse. Eventually (miraculously) it just stopped. I cleaned out my freezer and – VOILA! – it was as if there had never been a problem.
I shook my head, uncomprehending, and resumed my backflips. (This time, I was flipping in part to drown out the noise of my upstairs neighbor and the Clydsedale he apparently houses in his bedroom.)
Fast forward to a few weeks ago: Alan and I awoke and I told him, “I had the craziest dream that I left a bottle of champagne in the freezer and it exploded.” I flung open the freezer door to provide a visual and – everything in my freezer was dripping with water!
WTF?
I scratched my head, emptied my freezer and dried it, and issued a warning to Alan: “Whatever you do – do NOT touch the ice area!”
All good for a few weeks. Until a couple days ago when I had friends over for dinner and went to pre-chill a bottle of bubbly in the freezer. And this is what greeted me:
But when it’s the THIRD TIME it happens, this is actually what it looks like:
So you know what I did?
I’m not sure if appliances have balls. But if they do, then this f*cker is going to be singing an octave higher for a week. And if it continues to piss itself? It will effectively be castrated.
As my mom’s prized coffee mug said growing up: I don’t get mad. I get even.
pithypants 
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