Archive | November, 2010

Random Thought: I need some transcendental medication.

29 Nov

Over the weekend I started battling some kind of bug. Since I have to travel for work this week, I decided to throw everything at it.

I slept a ton. I drank a pitcher of orange juice. I doubled my vitamin intake. I practically bathed in green tea. I flushed my sinuses with a neti pot. And I went to yoga for a restorative practice with the thought that it might help stimulate my lymph production. (Um, yes. I might not go in for astrology or some of the other freaky shit, but I definitely will give a nod to natural/holistic remedies when it comes to health.)

So last night I went to yoga and had a few very random – and not very zen – thoughts. Without further ado…

Ugh. This is stupid. I should be home under a blanket.

I wonder if I’ll make anyone else sick?

I should try not to look sick so people won’t get upset with me for being here.

I bet I have “sick breath.”

I’m really glad they have a bowl of lifesavers in each classroom.

That’s a nice touch.

They should also have a bowl of BeanO.

How funny would that be?

I wonder if that guy with uncontrollable farts switched studios.

Or maybe he wasn’t embarrassed. He didn’t seem to be.

If I lost control like that, I think I’d be mortified.

I wonder if anyone would recognize me after that?

I don’t think I’d recognize that guy in a police line-up.

I guess I could always cut my hair rather than switch studios.

It’s funny how people often identify people based on their hair.

And now, as I look at this, I realize: 80% of my blog content is about farts, yoga or farts at yoga. Perhaps in 2011 I will rename it “PithyPants and Stinky Mats.”

I guess I’m too ADHD for the movies.

28 Nov

I can count on one hand the number of times Alan and I have gone to out to a movie in the past year. In fact, even if I accidentally reached into a operational garbage disposal at the wrong moment, I’m pretty sure I’d still have enough digits left to represent our movie tally for the year. We just rarely do it, even though I have a stack of free movie passes from my credit card’s reward program.

Anyway, last night we decided to check out the new Harry Potter movie, and I realized: I am horrifically out of practice of viewing a movie in a public place. I’m just not good at it.

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I have the Christmas spirit, but my car – just has Spirits.

23 Nov

This weekend I decided to tackle some Christmas shopping on Saturday, thinking myself clever for beating the masses.

I started by heading to Eastern Market on Capitol Hill, where the outdoor artists are set up. I got there fine – but then ended up circling for a parking space for 20 minutes before announcing, “You know what, Eastern Market? I got a big ‘F’ and and big ‘U’ here for ya. Merry Christmas,” and speeding away without exiting my car.

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Another reason I love the internet…

22 Nov

A few years ago, my sister visited me in DC and brought my two nephews. While she was here, she made arrangements to meet up with one of her friends for lunch, so I took the boys to the zoo to entertain them. I’d forgotten about this, until I stumbled upon what must be one of the most priceless photos on the internet. (Wait for it…)

Let me set the stage: the day I took my nephews to the National Zoo, it was hosting the Black Family Reunion, so it was fairly crowded. As we walked past the exhibits, nothing really held my nephews’ attention: until we walked past the horses. “Look!” James pointed, “That horse is totally pooping!”

As I followed his arm, I noticed  that an unusual number of people were lining the fence, staring in the same direction, with incredulous looks on their faces. And that’s when I saw it: the stallion had a full erection that was swinging side to side, only inches above the ground, like a metal detector scanning for coins.

My other nephew saw it and yelled, “Gross!” Then, “Wait! It looks like he’s pulling the poop back up inside him!”

As I was receiving this play by play, I could hear the other guests around me, shouting things like, “He needs him a lady!” and, “Oh no he didn’t! No he didn’t!”

It was about that time I began tugging my nephews’ arms in earnest. “Let’s get out of here,” I said, “That’s nasty!” and they eventually began walking again. I got the giggles, thinking how I’d tell my sister that our trip to the zoo ended up with the boys being exposed to an 18″ horse penis.

But then I found this photo on the internet, and it made me realize that THESE GUYS probably have the best story anyone can ever introduce at a cocktail party:

That kid about to fall of the back? His teacher will definitely regret assigning the old "What I Did on Summer Vacation" essay.

Just when I think I’m clever…

21 Nov

This morning I heated my oven to 475 degrees to cook an Alsatian Tarte Flambee for breakfast. (Let’s not even discuss my food choices.) Since my oven was so incredibly hot, in an attempt at environmental responsibility I decided I shouldn’t just waste the residual heat on an empty oven.

Instead, I prepped a tray of walnuts, thinking I’d toast them for a dessert I plan to make later this week. Every few minutes I checked them, and each time I felt somewhat smug, pleased with myself for this burst of efficiency. An added bonus: as the walnuts took on a golden color, my entire place smelled heavenly.

So heavenly, in fact, that when Alan’s sister made a comment on Facebook about how great her place smelled as a result of something she was baking, I felt inclined to comment. And it was only as I typed the following words (which I then erased), that I realized what an idiot I was:

My place smells great too! Get excited: I’m toasting some walnuts for a Mexican Pecan Torte to share with you this week!

In case you’re curious: the pecan torte recipe doesn’t call for any walnuts.

I am a dipshit.