Sure, you’ve heard of a Dutch Oven.

20 Oct

Wait. This *doesn't* scream "yoga" to you?

Remember that tubby kid in in sixth grade gym class who accidentally farted when the class did sit-ups?

Yep. Well, I’m here to tell you: he’s now 45-years-old and occupied the mat next to me at yoga tonight.

We started the class by warming up with some toe touches – and I heard him fart. I wish I was more mature, but instead, I snuck a peek around the room, trying to make eye contact so I could lift my eyebrows with a “did-you-hear-that-shit?” kind of look on my face. Alas, the other women were more mature.

Miraculously, I held it together. (Perhaps because no one was encouraging me to behave like I was ten.)

Let’s back-up a minute. I was already predisposed to not being terribly sympathetic to this guy when I got to class: Because he wasn’t wearing a shirt. Sorry, but in my world, if I have to wear a shirt, you should too. (Same goes for having to pee sitting down, for the record.) I’m just saying, I get really hot when I work out and probably rival the sweat output of a man, so why does he get to skip the shirt (and show me his pasty white rolls) if I’m not allowed to do the same?

Anyway, about half-way through the class, we went on a serious ab-fest, doing the “bicycle” for all two-and-a-half minutes of “I Want to Be Sedated” by the Ramones.

You can guess where I’m going with this, right? Yes. Sadly, my neighbor proceeded to rip fart after harmonious fart during this exercise. LOUDLY. It was almost to the point where I felt like I should stop and high-five him.

What makes this even more awkward is that that this class was held in the small studio – with only ten people. There was no mistaking the noise or playing it off as part of the playlist. It was at this point that one of the girls in the other row started giggling and I mentally nicknamed the offender “Bag Pipes McFarterson.”

When we cracked the door after 75 minutes of vinyasa, it was like putting on an oxygen mask. And that brings me to today’s new phrse of the day, which I plan to submit to Urban Dictionary for consideration: Zen Oven.



7 Responses to “Sure, you’ve heard of a Dutch Oven.”

  1. Alicia October 21, 2010 at 11:25 am #

    fo shiz? Have you ever seen him before? Do let us know if he comes back. Maybe after the first one he thought, “Screw it. I’m dead to this class now anyway, so I’m gonna go for it in a big way and then never come back.”

    I want more physical description of him. Age? Complexion (pasty, you said)? Complection? or Complexion? (I can do my own stream of consciousness writing, sis)

  2. Alicia October 21, 2010 at 11:26 am #

    AMAZING photo, BTW. Where’d you find that one?!

  3. Kim Pugliano July 12, 2011 at 1:08 pm #

    Haha! Okay so my best friend, her sister and I were at the gym once and she was doing some leg lifts. She had her headphones on and for some reason had no idea she was emitting farts with each lift until her sister tapped her on the shoulder. It was hilarious. OMG your posts are killing me.


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