Tag Archives: bacon

Even the pig would like more direction.

14 May

Image Source: icanhascheezburger.com

The Recipe:

Perfect No-Mess Bacon: Place bacon slices on cookie sheet. Put cookie sheet in cold oven and set temp to 400. Walk away. Come back in 17-20 minutes to perfectly cooked bacon.

My Comment On This Recipe:

Hey Chef! Is your name Hannibal Lector? Have you seen what a cold oven does with bacon in 17-20 minutes? I’ll tell you: JACK. SHIT. 

That’s right: Nothing. 

Sorry if I seem irrationally upset. That’s probably because when the timer went off, I jumped from my chair – which is not easy because it is a RECLINER – chanting, “Who has no-mess bacon? I do! I do!” as if I were a cheerleader for the Lakers. (A Laker Girl, if you will.)

Imagine my disappointment at opening the oven door to find what looked a pile of cellulite limply staring back at me – puckered, greasy, white and raw. (Actually, now that I write that, it reminds me of my last bike ride. I couldn’t walk for days. And neither, sir, can that bacon. And it hasn’t even SEEN a bike seat.)

I’d hate to see your recipe for french fries: Put lard in the fryer. Drop whole potato in. Turn on skillet. Go take a nap. It will chop itself. 

Seriously. How did this even come up as the TOP result for “oven-cooked bacon?”

You suck more than the suckling pig that is sliced and raw in my oven. That is all.

Update:

Because I may or may not be the love-child of Anthony Boudain + Rachel Ray, I ended up extending the cooking time and dialing down the heat until the bacon was cooked properly. Turned out great – no thanks to the recipe.

Second Update:

That “no mess” part? Also needs to be revisited.

Thanks to a small hole in the tin foil lining the cookie sheet, I managed to drizzle a solid stream of bacon grease from my oven to the trash can. Have you ever buffed your floor with bacon grease? I don’t recommend it.

On the plus-side, my floors are now very shiny and my home smells like bacon.

Maybe I should start a cooking show.

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I think I might explode.

8 Mar

Whoa. I finally got around to cutting the fresh bacon slab I ordered from Arganica last week.

(For those of you in the DC area, an Arganica membership is worth it just to get this meat; if you live in Pennsylvania, then you can just walk your sweet ass over to Schmidt’s – assuming you can find Steelton, PA – and pick up a slab.)

And yes, you heard me correctly: the bacon arrived fresh in a slab, meaning it was uncut. That’s why it’s extra fun and super special.

Tonight I hacked the pound into “lardons” (see THIS for an explanation if – like my sister – you think a lardon is a hard-on caused by bacon), and decided to fry up a few to make a Salade Paysanne for dinner. I haven’t had a true Salade Paysanne since I lived in France, but tonight’s meal brought it all back. If only I’d had a glass of Cotes du Rhone to go with it, my memory would be complete.

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Somehow, this goes from bargains to bacon with a little French thrown in for kicks.

2 Mar

I’m not a shopaholic by traditional standards. Anyone who has seen my wardrobe will gladly vouch for that.

But I *am* a bargain hunter, so the whole online coupon thing has turned into something of an addiction for me. I subscribe to Groupon, LivingSocial, Homerun and Greenbacks. I’ve bought at least one deal through each of those sites, and multiple deals from multiple cities for Groupon and Living Social.

If you’re not familiar with them, the premise is this: you spend a certain amount of money to get a specific deal (generally twice the value of what you’ve spent). You’re essentially pre-paying to get yourself a 50% discount. The catch is that you have to use your deal before it expires (generally 6-12 months) or the vendor gets your money and you get nothing.

In addition to trying over a dozen restaurants this way, I’ve also purchased:

  • A store credit at French boutique
  • An intro pottery class
  • A helicopter tour of Chicago
  • An Executive Suite at the Wyndham Chicago
  • Yoga classes
  • Massages
  • Amazon gift cards
  • A credit at a wine shop
  • Cupcakes

I’ve tried so many yoga studios in DC this way, I could probably write an educated article reviewing them for Yoga Journal.

Anyway, the deal that has me WILDLY excited (to the point that it’s why I even started this post) is a six month membership to Arganica. Argani-wha?

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Facebook: I actually DO have self-restraint.

7 Oct

Nothing to with this post, other than that it's made of pork. And it might be my dream house.

Someone commented on my friend Lisa’s Facebook status tonight. His name was Miguel L. Lama. I was tempted to ask if his middle name really started with an “L” or if he just wanted to be known as M. Llama. That means either he’s funny or his parents are.  (I’m not, because I immediately started to think of a way to suggest that if he were a DJ, he could go by “m night shyamallama.” I don’t even know why that struck me as funny.)

My friend Trudi posted this: “My fortune: “You are the crispy noodle in the vegetarian salad of life.”

My immediate thought was: “Mmm. Crispy noodles.” Which then got me thinking, “Mmmmm. Pork rinds.” So when I went to comment on her status, I typed, “Are you crispy because you were fried in pork lard?” But before I hit “share” I had the sense to think, “What if SHE is a vegetarian? It might be offensive to be compared to bacon fat.”

And then I thought, “OMG. I can’t imagine anyone would think that a bacon fat reference would be a good thing.” Except me. (And started banging my head against the wall as punishment for being obtuse. Yet also awesome because I like bacon so much.)

And then – because I clearly didn’t have enough reasons to know that comment would have gone over like a fart in church – it occurred to me: “Isn’t Trudi Jewish? Isn’t there something about pork that would make my comment doubly offensive to my Jewish friends?”

Now that I think of it: it’s actually kind of startling that I have ANY friends on Facebook.

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