Even the pig would like more direction.

14 May

Image Source: icanhascheezburger.com

The Recipe:

Perfect No-Mess Bacon: Place bacon slices on cookie sheet. Put cookie sheet in cold oven and set temp to 400. Walk away. Come back in 17-20 minutes to perfectly cooked bacon.

My Comment On This Recipe:

Hey Chef! Is your name Hannibal Lector? Have you seen what a cold oven does with bacon in 17-20 minutes? I’ll tell you: JACK. SHIT. 

That’s right: Nothing. 

Sorry if I seem irrationally upset. That’s probably because when the timer went off, I jumped from my chair – which is not easy because it is a RECLINER – chanting, “Who has no-mess bacon? I do! I do!” as if I were a cheerleader for the Lakers. (A Laker Girl, if you will.)

Imagine my disappointment at opening the oven door to find what looked a pile of cellulite limply staring back at me – puckered, greasy, white and raw. (Actually, now that I write that, it reminds me of my last bike ride. I couldn’t walk for days. And neither, sir, can that bacon. And it hasn’t even SEEN a bike seat.)

I’d hate to see your recipe for french fries: Put lard in the fryer. Drop whole potato in. Turn on skillet. Go take a nap. It will chop itself. 

Seriously. How did this even come up as the TOP result for “oven-cooked bacon?”

You suck more than the suckling pig that is sliced and raw in my oven. That is all.

Update:

Because I may or may not be the love-child of Anthony Boudain + Rachel Ray, I ended up extending the cooking time and dialing down the heat until the bacon was cooked properly. Turned out great – no thanks to the recipe.

Second Update:

That “no mess” part? Also needs to be revisited.

Thanks to a small hole in the tin foil lining the cookie sheet, I managed to drizzle a solid stream of bacon grease from my oven to the trash can. Have you ever buffed your floor with bacon grease? I don’t recommend it.

On the plus-side, my floors are now very shiny and my home smells like bacon.

Maybe I should start a cooking show.

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19 Responses to “Even the pig would like more direction.”

  1. aheneghana May 14, 2013 at 9:10 pm #

    somebody tells this little child that his affection may lead to serious illness

    • pithypants May 18, 2013 at 7:42 pm #

      Or a life-long romance. Either way.

  2. Michelle May 15, 2013 at 10:22 am #

    Haha! I saw that one when I was looking for oven-baked bacon instructions, too. I chose the one where you pre-heat the oven to 400 and then bake 17 minutes. That works almost perfectly every time. The bacon isn’t sliced always the same, some thinner some thicker, so I adjust a minute or two one way or the other for that. And nothing is mess-free, but at least all the bacon grease splatter is contained inside the oven – I won’t have to clean that until I move, lol!

  3. Barbara May 15, 2013 at 3:19 pm #

    I’ve seen and tried that recipe! It sucked! Here’s my version: pre-heat oven to 400 degrees, foil-line a baking pan, lay down strips so they don’t overlap, and once the oven is heated, bake for 15-20 minutes. (I know that’s a big gap in timing, but it really does depend on your oven.) When the grease bubbles get really small and start to dry up, take it out and let drain on a paper-towel lined plate. Like most meat, bacon continues to cook for a few minutes after coming off the heat, so watch it carefully the last few minutes in the oven.

    • pithypants May 18, 2013 at 7:41 pm #

      This is about 1000% more logical than the other recipe. “Put bacon in cold oven…” struck me as odd, but the guy had a lot of stars for the recipe, so I thought I’d follow it to the letter. No more.

  4. Bonnie May 15, 2013 at 6:29 pm #

    Very funny, and what a disappointment. My timing is 375 degrees, and when the oven is to temp, put the bacon in for 9 minutes, turn each slice over, and bake another 8 minutes. But Barbara is right; probably depends on your oven some. I find 400 and no turn doesn’t cook it evenly and sometimes burns it. I prefer to spray a bit of canola oil on the tinfoil, and the reason I love this is no splatter, no mess — always assuming you have a bit of a lip on your cookie sheet to catch the grease.

    • pithypants May 18, 2013 at 7:40 pm #

      Oh, I always have a bit of lip. Just not always on the baking sheet. 😉

  5. dianeskitchentable May 16, 2013 at 2:16 pm #

    I’ve tried that exact one a lot of times when I want to do a huge batch of bacon & it works …sort of. I like crispy bacon & no matter how long I leave it in there it never gets crispy, just very rubbery. As for the foil – I have never been able to keep the grease in the foil.

    • pithypants May 18, 2013 at 7:39 pm #

      “Sort of.” That’s the best part of your comment, because it explains my experience too. It worked – sort of. And then it *sort of* became a hot mess on my floor.

  6. thesinglecell May 16, 2013 at 7:07 pm #

    Bakin’ bacon?
    …Why?
    Also? I think if Anthony Bourdain and Rachael Ray reproduced, it would be more of a Hate Child situation. Not to split hairs.
    Up side: your place now smells like bacon. Mmmmm.

    • pithypants May 18, 2013 at 7:38 pm #

      So the idea with baked bacon is that it’s low maintenance. Until you use it as floor polisher.

      • thesinglecell May 19, 2013 at 12:51 am #

        Wah wah. I’m sticking with the fry pan. I trust, after this experience, you will as well.

  7. Karen in S.E. Texas May 17, 2013 at 12:21 pm #

    I use this way of cooking our bacon all the time.

    First I use a broiler pan (think that is what it’s called) with the two pieces. Bottom pan is like a cookie sheet with slightly higher sides and top sets on top of bottom pan and has slits in it for the grease to run off.

    Next, place bacon in oven and turn on to 425-450 dpending on your oven. 15-20 minutes does it and I have crispy bacon with grease all drained off.

    • pithypants May 18, 2013 at 7:45 pm #

      I think it must work because you live in Texas. All meat turns out fine in Texas. No matter how you cook it.

      • Karen in S.E. Texas May 20, 2013 at 4:29 pm #

        LOL, yep we are a “meaty” state. Received my first ever George Foreman grill, one of the big ones and can’t wait to start cooking on it, especially fish … catfish … yummmmm

  8. hollybernabe May 28, 2013 at 11:04 am #

    That photo you posted here gave me an “oh how cute” reaction coupled with an “eeeeewwwwwww” reaction at the same time. Simultaneous 180 degree different reactions. That takes talent. Kudos.

  9. hollybernabe May 28, 2013 at 11:10 am #

    BTW, my dad does this bacon baking, only he coats the bacon in brown sugar before baking. A little too sweet for my taste, but it’s pretty good, if you’re jonesin’ for something sweet AND you want bacon. Depending on how thick the bacon is and how long you bake it, depends on how crispified it gets. We like thick, slightly chewy bacon, and it works well for this purpose. If he bakes it longer, it turns crispy, though–he’s done some where it was overdone for my preference and it was crisp crunchy and I didn’t like it. Crisp bacon (IMO) is one step away from burnt bacon and two steps too close. Yuck.

    • pithypants May 28, 2013 at 5:14 pm #

      Aw lawd… sweet AND bacony? Gonna have to try it.

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