Archive | August, 2010

Phrases I never thought I would utter…

6 Aug

“Don’t use the paper towels! That roll is just for display!”

Really? A roll of paper towels can be just for display? And who, exactly, displays paper towels?

Well, let’s see… how about THIS GIRL.

Yes. Ever since I installed the new paper towel holder in such a way that I have to completely disassemble it to replace the roll, I’ve been using them sparingly. Very sparingly.

So sparingly, in fact, that Alan once asked me how it was that I could take a normal paper towel (and by normal, I’m talking about the small “choose a size” variety) and rip it into six pieces for distinct and separate uses. What can I say? I’m good.

In addition to using them sparingly, my other little trick is to have a REAL roll of paper towels hiding in the cupboard. And so it was tonight that I found myself shouting to Alan to NOT use the paper towels, so I could fish out this secret roll for the beer he had just kicked over on the floor of my study.

Yes. There are a lot of quirky rules in this house. Fortunately, Alan just rolls his eyes.

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Three Reasons I don’t use Google AdSense to Make Money

4 Aug
  1. I don’t have enough people reading my blog to commoditize it. I’m pretty sure I would earn – at best – pennies each month with my current traffic. The last time I made that little money was when I was in fourth grade and my dad paid me to a) monitor the protozoa growing in test tubes in our basement, or b) read off the letter grades from his grade book to him so he could enter them into a complicated database he had built on our Apple IIE to compute students’ final grades automatically. (You can bet your ass there will be a separate post about those money-making ventures – along with my days hocking veggies out of my wagon, throwing ground chuck out a window at a homeless dog or sorting Biology II lab drawings according to artistic skill – all for my financial enrichment.)
  2. I don’t like looking at ads.
  3. And most importantly… I’m pretty sure the logarithm that Google uses to match ads to content based on key words would serve up a dose of Truth I’m not quite willing to face, as evidenced by Alan’s friend’s blog, which featured the following ad sandwiched between a post about his new house and another about breasts:

As a side note, I’d like to point out that this was his LAST post on this blog, dated October 2009. Which means that Google’s AdSense was a party pooper, suggesting Matt check into rehab at the SouthCoast recovery… where he has never been heard from again. It’s like buzz kill, but for a blog. Blog-kill. You heard it here first, folks.

I rest my case.

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I could get my MBA. Or I could prove why I don’t need one.

3 Aug

At the pool this weekend, Alan and I each floated around lazily on a styrofoam water noodle. You know what I’m talking about, right? One of these things:

The water noodles are the awesome yellow things supporting my equally awesome parents.

Let’s talk about how awesome they are. They are simple, yet they support your entire body weight, making it possible to sit, stand or just float without expending any effort. We got to talking about how much weight they could support, and Alan noted that we may be pushing the single-noodle limit.

It was about this time that I said that if I were the manufacturer, I would sell a larger noodle, and I would call it the “Super Noodle.”

And the slogan would be:

The Super Noodle: for Super People!

Except, to make it funny, I would actually want the slogan to read:

“The Super Noodle: for Super (Big) People!”

Do you see what I did there, with the subliminal (big) reference? Makes it funny, doesn’t it?

I asked Alan how many I would sell. “A lot,” he guessed. But then he went on to add, “Skinny people would buy them.”

And you know what? I think he’s right. Super Noodles and Diet Coke.

Go figure.

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He fought the lawn, and the lawn won.

2 Aug

One of my favorite things about working in an office is the Monday water cooler talk, where everyone compares notes on their weekends. If it were a contest, today my colleague Jason would’ve won.

An elder from his church offered him a lawn mower on Sunday. “Jason,” he said. “I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong, but I just bought this new mower and it hasn’t cut a blade of grass. I think it’s too complicated for me. Stop by and I’ll give it to you if you want it.”

Jason, being something of a boy scout, responded, “Nah. Why don’t I come over and see if I can get it working for you?”

The elder (who is actually in his 80s) said, “No, thanks. I tried that thing a few times and couldn’t figure it out, so I hired a lawn service. My place looks the best it has in 30 years!”

So Jason stopped by. And looked at the lawn mower. And realized: it was, in fact, a wood chipper.

I think there’s a moral here, like: The right tool for the job makes all the difference.

Or: be nice to your elders. Because they might bat-shit crazy and give you some nice equipment.

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