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Self-absorption: Volume One

30 Jul

Blogging can make a person frightfully self-important. There have been quite a few instances lately when I’ve had a random thought, and on the heels of it, I’ve thought: that is going on the blog. As if other people give a shit about the inner-workings of my warped brain.

Well, it’s Friday and my brain is tired, so here are a few of those random thoughts I’ve noted in the past week. Not because I think you care, but because the well is dry and this is all I can muster:

  • When people see me carrying three cans of Diet Mt. Dew and a box of Tic Tacs down the sidewalk at lunchtime, are they thinking, “What a nice girl, doing a soda run for her office?” or are they thinking, “Holy shit. That girl will be dead in about three years if that’s her lunch?”
  • The article I just read suggested meeting three strangers each week. Does the woman I routinely talk to in the bathroom whose name I don’t know count as one? Or is she not a stranger since we are friendly already?
  • This call is going to suck. I’m going to pretend I’m “playing business” like I did as a kid and just be glad someone else is willing to pretend to be a client.
  • How many other people completely dry their shower before getting out of it? And since I’m essentially wiping it down daily, do I need to clean it each week?
  • I’m not sure if my mute button works. If I refill my cup from the Deer Park jug during this conference call, will someone hear it and think I’m peeing?
  • I’m so glad I have toenails!
  • Why don’t they put the sink outside the bathroom?
  • I love the library. It’s like having a store that always takes returns.
  • Why am I even trying to drive while holding a vase of flowers in my right hand? Is this more or less dangerous than people who text and drive?
  • Why do you hear about lottery winners, but you never hear about anyone who wins the million dollar sweepstakes award from a soft drink or candy company? Do those contests even have payouts? And if the companies don’t receive press for it, why do they hold those contests? I’m pretty sure it doesn’t affect anyone’s buying decisions.

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Stream of Consciousness: I might be reading into things.

24 Jun

When I stepped onto my most recent flight, the door to the cockpit was still open. I couldn’t see the pilots, but I could see their hats, hanging on two pegs just inside the cockpit door.

One of the hats had photos of his three children taped inside it. I’m sure most people would look at that and think, “Aw, how sweet.”

I, on the other hand? Well, I looked at it and thought:

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I hate it when that happens.

15 Jun

If both of these are YOUR feet, it's cool. If one is not, it's AWKWARD.

So one of the most awkward category of human encounters I can think of is when someone is touching you without realizing it.

You know what I’m talking about: When you’re grabbing lunch with a client and somehow someone plants their foot right on top of yours without realizing it. And you either respond quickly and slide your foot away, or – more commonly – freeze, hoping they’ll adjust their foot and you can reposition yours without them noticing. But then they DON’T move theirs, and you sit there, unable to fully engage in conversation, because you are so fixated on holding that foot PERFECTLY STILL. Because now a decent period of time has passed, enough that if you DO move your foot, they are going to think you a freak for not having just pulled it away when they first stepped on it.

Right? This has happened to you, too, right?

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Club Sandwiches? Yes. Club Thumbs? No thanks.

29 May

Something I’m thankful for:

Not having clubbed thumbs.

I know, it’s petty. But this morning in yoga, the woman next to me had clubbed thumbs and although (presumably) she’s had 40+ years to adjust to them, she definitely took pains to keep them hidden as much as possible throughout her practice. When our hands were extended toward the ceiling, she would bend her thumb and hide it behind her other four fingers.

And no, I’m pretty sure she wasn’t doing that because she could feel my curious eyes burning holes in them. I was discreet.

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Random Thought: Do Cry Babies Win?

27 May

It doesn't look quite so precious when you're pushing 40.

At the airport Monday, I was struck by the number of crying children who were old enough to speak and communicate their needs, but instead wailed.

Instead of getting irritated and leveling the parents with a deadly gaze, I instead wondered: Is crying a natural human reaction that we simply are conditioned away from by societal pressure?

Recently I’ve been under a lot of stress and while I’m not typically a crier, the thought of just sobbing when I hit my limit seems like it would be very cathartic. I am considering field-testing this with difficult clients, demanding colleagues, exhausting friends, slow-moving strangers, and anyone who happens to cross my path when I need to pee.

Discuss amongst yourselves.

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