Archive | Random Thoughts RSS feed for this section

Random Thought: I need some transcendental medication.

29 Nov

Over the weekend I started battling some kind of bug. Since I have to travel for work this week, I decided to throw everything at it.

I slept a ton. I drank a pitcher of orange juice. I doubled my vitamin intake. I practically bathed in green tea. I flushed my sinuses with a neti pot. And I went to yoga for a restorative practice with the thought that it might help stimulate my lymph production. (Um, yes. I might not go in for astrology or some of the other freaky shit, but I definitely will give a nod to natural/holistic remedies when it comes to health.)

So last night I went to yoga and had a few very random – and not very zen – thoughts. Without further ado…

Ugh. This is stupid. I should be home under a blanket.

I wonder if I’ll make anyone else sick?

I should try not to look sick so people won’t get upset with me for being here.

I bet I have “sick breath.”

I’m really glad they have a bowl of lifesavers in each classroom.

That’s a nice touch.

They should also have a bowl of BeanO.

How funny would that be?

I wonder if that guy with uncontrollable farts switched studios.

Or maybe he wasn’t embarrassed. He didn’t seem to be.

If I lost control like that, I think I’d be mortified.

I wonder if anyone would recognize me after that?

I don’t think I’d recognize that guy in a police line-up.

I guess I could always cut my hair rather than switch studios.

It’s funny how people often identify people based on their hair.

And now, as I look at this, I realize: 80% of my blog content is about farts, yoga or farts at yoga. Perhaps in 2011 I will rename it “PithyPants and Stinky Mats.”

Tags: , , ,

Deep Thought: Inspired by my dinner

10 Nov

Marketing is what turned soybeans into edamame.


Tags: ,

Facebook: I actually DO have self-restraint.

7 Oct

Nothing to with this post, other than that it's made of pork. And it might be my dream house.

Someone commented on my friend Lisa’s Facebook status tonight. His name was Miguel L. Lama. I was tempted to ask if his middle name really started with an “L” or if he just wanted to be known as M. Llama. That means either he’s funny or his parents are.  (I’m not, because I immediately started to think of a way to suggest that if he were a DJ, he could go by “m night shyamallama.” I don’t even know why that struck me as funny.)

My friend Trudi posted this: “My fortune: “You are the crispy noodle in the vegetarian salad of life.”

My immediate thought was: “Mmm. Crispy noodles.” Which then got me thinking, “Mmmmm. Pork rinds.” So when I went to comment on her status, I typed, “Are you crispy because you were fried in pork lard?” But before I hit “share” I had the sense to think, “What if SHE is a vegetarian? It might be offensive to be compared to bacon fat.”

And then I thought, “OMG. I can’t imagine anyone would think that a bacon fat reference would be a good thing.” Except me. (And started banging my head against the wall as punishment for being obtuse. Yet also awesome because I like bacon so much.)

And then – because I clearly didn’t have enough reasons to know that comment would have gone over like a fart in church – it occurred to me: “Isn’t Trudi Jewish? Isn’t there something about pork that would make my comment doubly offensive to my Jewish friends?”

Now that I think of it: it’s actually kind of startling that I have ANY friends on Facebook.

Tags: , , , ,

Stream of Consciousness: Swimming at a DC Public Pool

21 Sep

This locker room is what I would expect to find in a prison.

Except with more people in it.

And probably lice.

Soap on a rope!

Wow. That is one naked woman.

Why is she sitting on a chair in the shower?

Note to self: don’t ever sit naked on a chair in a public shower. Gross.

I’m glad the lifeguard didn’t ask for my ID today.

I must look urban.

I wonder if they would’ve stopped Alan.

Wow. The water is WARM.

I bet I’ll overheat.

Sweating in the water is weird.

But it happens.

Why does that sign say “Water Running?”

I don’t SEE any water running.

<Four laps later>

Ah ha! They mean “water running” as in “people running” in the water.

Not the water running.

That’s embarrassing. I’ve been here a half dozen times looking for running water.

That explains why the fat woman always hangs out in this lane and doesn’t swim.

Although actually, she’s not running. She’s water-standing.

I wonder if I’ll get kicked out of this lane?

I am hot.

I wonder if the water tastes saltier because I am sweating?

Is my key still stuck to my head?

<Patting back of head while breast-stroking>

It is! Good!

What would I do if it wasn’t there?

How ironic would that be?

If by trying to protect my stuff, I end up losing the  key.

Which would be worse: having someone steal my stuff because I left the key to my lock on the deck, or not being able to get to my stuff because I tied the key to my goggles and it fell off and disappeared into the pool drain?

Not sure.

Those girls have on the exact same suit.

I wonder if they’re on a team together?

If they are, then it’s not a good team because I’m faster than them.

I wonder if the lifeguard would actually notice if someone drowned?

Are they allowed to talk on their cell phones on duty?

I bet they are breaking the rules.

<Scanning bottom of pool to make sure no swimmers need to be rescued.>

How weird that I can’t wait to get out of the water to cool down.

I bet that’s why that woman was sitting on a chair in the shower: heat stroke.

Tags: , , , ,

Why I’m not a television producer.

10 Aug

Last night, while walking into my kitchen and seeing a tray full of enchiladas that I had made (ostensibly to take for lunch the rest of the week), I thought, “Well, don’t mind if I do!”

Except the thing is, I used a high-pitched lady voice that sounded the actor in “Little Britain USA” when he impersonates the old woman who talks to her dog. It was really weird, and my head-voice creeped me out a bit.

But ONLY a little bit, because immediately after, I thought – back in my normal head-voice, “Someone should start a 30 minute television show, called ‘Don’t Mind If I Do!” It would be kind of like Candid Camera, except people would just help themselves to other people’s things.

Interestingly, this is one of the first image results on Google when I searched for "Don't Mind If I Do!"

Picture it: Someone is taking cash from an ATM; another person walks by, announces “Don’t Mind if I Do!” and pushes the person out of the way to claim the dispensed bills. Same thing at Ben & Jerry’s, except it’s an ice cream cone. Or at the Metro, the last person to squeeze on the train after shoving someone else out of the way.

I’m thinking there’s high comedic potential here.

Don’t mind if I do!

Tags: , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →