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How My Sister’s Brain Works

18 Jun

A few weeks ago, I shared how MY brain works. For contrast, here’s my sister. While I don’t have her inner-monologue to accompany this, I’m pretty that sure what you see is what you get. And if you don’t have Facebook or understand targeted ads and how inane they are: this will make no sense so you might just want to skip it. Anyway… 

This sponsored ad apparently appeared on my sister’s Facebook page recently. The comment/caption at the top is from her:

When I saw it, I thought it was an astute observation: a bucket with a spigot does NOT exactly spell fun. I should’ve realized it was the first indication that she had an axe to grind with their message.

Have I mentioned that Alicia knows Photoshop? And is like a dog with a bone when something sets her off? So while the ad above is real, it prompted her to create the following spoofs, which she then posted in rapid succession:

Calling all party people, indeed. Too bad I just missed her birthday. Otherwise, I would’ve sent her a rock.

And somehow, I think she would’ve actually found it wicked sick.

Photo Essay: My (boring) commute to work.

12 Mar

Not sure how you dealt with “Spring Ahead,” but I woke up to find myself facing a commute lit by moonlight. At 7 am. Rather than spend a mile and a half bitching about it being dark (which is apparently what other people were doing, based on what I overheard), I decided to whip out my phone and document my route.

It ain’t pithy, but this is (at least some of) what I encounter on my way to the office. Apparently it was too dark to get an action shot of the homeless man urinating against the post office door, but you get the gist. THIS is why I live in DC, folks.

UPDATE: Apparently I am an ass when it comes to building a slideshow. My apologies for posting this four different times, which inadvertently sent email alerts to you for each update. Can someone please help me find my thumbs? 

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

 

Deep Thoughts Visualized: DC Traffic

9 Feb

 

She has (Photoshop) skillz to pay the billz.

6 Dec

Anyone has been reading PithyPants for a while is familiar with my sister. She has few boundaries and a twisted sense of humor. She’s the reason I had to categorize all my work friends in Facebook and block my Wall so they couldn’t read what she posted. Because – while funny – she’s can also be a bit of an HR disaster.

Ironically, in person she’s very sweet and polite. But online? She’s a menace. Especially because she knows Photoshop.

One of her recent amusements has been to take photos from my Facebook account and Photoshop them to subtly insinuate that I’m either a) pregnant or b) have a baby. It started in the wake of my visit to Michigan in August, when I had my arms crossed in a family photo so she stuck a baby in them.

Knowing that I don’t have a single maternal bone in my body and would rather hold a kitten, this tickled her.

Since then, she’s become increasingly subtle. Here are a few examples:

Baby Bump and Cankles, brought to you by Photoshop. And Alicia.

Stop staring at me like that. You'll make my baby cry.

It's hard to even sneak a bite with this second mouth to feed!

This last week, she shifted approaches. I received a SuperStar award at my company and a number of colleagues posted messages on my Facebook Wall alluding to my SuperStar status. My sister, being both pesky and curious about it, set about congratulating me in a way that only a sibling can:

"Congratulations, SuperStar!"

Oh, I look like I won an award all right. And like I’ve left my helmet just outside the frame.

Photo Postcard: Los Angeles

14 Nov

As previously mentioned, I’m trying to play a hopeless game of catch-up on the NaNoWriMo front, so I’m cutting back on pithy posts and conserving my words for my would-be novel this month. But that doesn’t mean I can’t still have some pith in my life. I bring to you a few photos I’ve snapped with my phone since arriving in LA yesterday.

First: I’ve never noticed this before, but the elevators out here have EARTHQUAKE buttons. I’m not sure what the purpose is, but I’d like to imagine that if I press it, I will cause an earthquake. When I board the elevator, I think, “Hmmm. Where will my evening take me? Lobby? Roof deck? Earthquake?” Willy Wonka had a hand in this option.

Fancy vending machine! Only dispenses hats and earthquakes!

Second: I’m not sure how my hotel knew that I’d hit the Mexican buffet at WholeFoods, but I applaud their signage:

My kind of place...

Third: Margaret and I walked the Manhattan Beach pier, and she was attacked by a shark. A landshark.

Fourth: inside the aquarium exhibit, they had some tanks where you could actually handle starfish. But only with one finger. Here Margaret demonstrates proper technique for touching the “animals.” I hate to tell them, but I think “touching with one finger” is called “poking,” and no one likes that.

Who create THIS rule? One finger, sure. But two? We're going to have to ask you to leave.

Fifth: Also in the exhibit were two angry looking eels. They were NOT in the “gently touch” bucket. They were in their own area, with no other living creature near them. Probably because they ate them. BTW? You might not want to include these specimens in a “What Lives Under This Pier?” exhibit if you actually are trying to boost tourism. Because you’ve forever cured my urge to set foot in the Pacific Ocean now. Thanks.

This is what I will picture the next time someone feels "bitey."

Finally: After work tonight, I took a little walk to stretch my legs and work off one of the forty avocados I’ve inhaled since landing yesterday. Our office is right on Wilshire Boulevard at the start of the Miracle Mile, so my walk took me right by the La Brea Tar Pits. If you don’t know what those are, then go watch the Flintstones. I’m pretty sure this is where Fred worked:

"Oh sure, Earl. See where your thirst has landed you?"

And that’s how I spent my first 24 hours in LA. My schedule the rest of the week will be pretty intense on the work front, but I’m open to suggestions if anyone has recommendations of kitschy/random things I must see or do before returning. Anyone?