The Way My Brain Works

21 May

Alan says I’m a pessimist. I’d like to believe I’m just well prepared. On the whole I believe things will turn out just right – I just find it comforting to have Plan B in my back pocket. Even when there’s almost no chance it will be needed.

I chalk it up to having a fantastic imagination.

Take today. Walking home from work this afternoon, I saw a folded dollar bill on the sidewalk. Of course I bent to grab it. Only, once I was holding it, I saw that it was only part of a dollar. It represented maybe 20% of a full bill, but had been folded in a way that it looked like more.

Since it was useless, I pitched it in the next trashcan I saw.

And then… five steps later… the gears in my brain started to spin.

It was like someone had folded the dollar to trick people into believing it was whole. 

What if that had been a trap? 

I mean, if I were a terrorist, trying to randomly start an untraceable plague, that would be a great first step…

Step 1: Taint money with incurable virus.

Step 2: Cut money into bits and fold using clever origami technique to make each bit look whole.

Step 3: Scatter on well-traveled sidewalks, right before rush hour, near trash cans. 

Pretty clever, you must admit. While some people may walk past a coin, who isn’t going to stop to pick up a dollar? And by only placing *partial* bits, you ensure people won’t want to keep them after they examine them. And by scattering them near trashcans on busy streets, you’ve ensured the evidence will get incinerated relatively quickly.

Brilliant, no?

In fact, it was so brilliant that my first thought was: I need to write this down when I get home. If I ever write an espionage thriller, I’m totally going to use this technique.

And then my second thought was: Must. Wash. Hands. Immediately.

And my third thought was: Don’t. Touch. Face.

And my fourth thought was: Alan might have a point.

17 Responses to “The Way My Brain Works”

  1. skippingstones May 21, 2012 at 7:12 pm #

    As soon as you found out it was only a partial bill, I thought, “Oh my gosh, I bet it was contaminated!! Someone did that on purpose to contaminate everybody!” You’re not alone.

    • pithypants May 21, 2012 at 7:19 pm #

      Really? There’s more than one person in this world who thinks that way? Let’s hope we never work for the same company.

    • Nicole Smeltzer May 21, 2012 at 7:20 pm #

      ME TOO! My husband says I’m paranoid. I prefer “imaginative.”

      • pithypants May 21, 2012 at 7:43 pm #

        I’m beginning to think that if it comes to an apocalypse, only women will survive.

  2. Curly Carly May 21, 2012 at 7:29 pm #

    Haha! Awesome. I like the way you think. You might be a pessimist, but at least you’re smart enough to be on the lookout for potential unlikely terrorist plots.

    • pithypants May 21, 2012 at 7:44 pm #

      Which is all good, until I blow my gym whistle at the airport because I’m pretty sure I’ve spotted a plastic explosive device. Which turns out to be a child’s toy. Then I’m just crazy.

  3. lividlips May 21, 2012 at 7:33 pm #

    i consider myself the container on the far right as well. cheers my fellow pessimist!

    • pithypants May 21, 2012 at 7:45 pm #

      I prefer “adventurist.” Let’s repackage this.

      • lividlips May 21, 2012 at 7:53 pm #

        ha..and out of the dark comes light. adventurist it is.

  4. The Byronic Man May 22, 2012 at 10:54 am #

    My immediate thought was “If you can find 31% more then it’s legal currency!” So, I’m neither optimist or pessimist – just kind of a cheapskate.

    • pithypants May 27, 2012 at 7:13 am #

      I think that makes you a capitalist. Which probably just made you cringe.

  5. lynnettedobberpuhl May 22, 2012 at 6:31 pm #

    Love it! On the television show “Parenthood” one of the dads made up the word “catastrophize” (e.g. “you catastrophize things,”) to apply to how his wife thinks about possibilities, particularly involving their children. I love that word. I am giving it to you, wrapped in a sterile bow with satiny soft (non-cutting) edges. Of course, that bow COULD still somehow play a part in some deadly scenario, strangulation perhaps. Best throw it away immediately. And wash your hands, just in case.

    • pithypants May 27, 2012 at 7:12 am #

      Totally stealing that word. Or maybe not stealing it since you gave it to me. Though I haven’t actually been able to bring myself to unwrap it because a) It’s kind of like taking candy from a stranger (definitely full of poison) and b) It was an internet gift (which probably means it has something to do with porn). So yeah, I guess I’ll just steal it. But thanks?

  6. squirrel circus May 23, 2012 at 11:25 am #

    My husband likes to tell me, “this is not a made-for-TV movie!”, when I come up with that stuff. Most “out there” moments? I’ve been known to jot down the mile marker when I see a trash bag along the highway — just in case I hear later that the police are looking for a missing person….who might have been chopped up and put in a Glad bag. Just saying….

    • pithypants May 27, 2012 at 7:09 am #

      We’re like conspiracy theorists on a VERY micro-level.

  7. hollybernabe May 29, 2012 at 1:45 am #

    Bwa ha ha ha ha! Yeah, I can totally relate. I tend to think like that, too. It helps the writing, lol.


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