How I took my mind off dying…

22 Feb

If you read my most recent post, you know that I feel I tempted fate on my last flight. Not only did I pass up a lucky penny from the bathroom floor, but I also heard the pilot wreak sweet havoc on the airplane’s bathroom before departing. Those two factors had me doubly convinced I would meet a fiery death somewhere between Boston and DC.

So what did I do? Did I start singing hymns and ask for an “amen?” No.

I consulted the emergency card in the seatback pocket in front of me. And no, not to familiarize myself with the evacuation procedures of that particular aircraft. What do you think I am? Optimistic?

No. I’m Sarcastic. So I looked at it for the humor.

And here’s what took my mind off dying…

OK. So first… Sorry, but if we’re crashing, who is going to have this much time to fasten a life vest on their child. This looks more complicated than making an origami swan with tinfoil and step-by-step directions.

Also? Completely unrealistic illustration. That baby would not be sitting still. Should’ve added some motion lines around the legs and arms, because I’m pretty sure: babies in crash mode are throwing a tantrum. And to that point – its face should be red.

Meanwhile, my friend Dorkahontus has a great observation: “The baby in panel three is about to host a dance party… Can anyone say, ‘Raise the roof?'”

Finally? In panel 6, that lightbulb makes it look like the baby is having an idea. Bet I know what it is: “Mom! WTF! I can’t believe you put me on that deathtrap.” Or maybe it’s, “Ah. When I pee in this diaper the water is warm for a minute.”

So a few thoughts on this one. First – You had me at “Do not use.” The additional, “No Use” seems unnecessarily insulting. If you’re going to write it twice, why not add, “Stupid!” at the end of it? Second, while I’m glad people can’t use lighters and female transformers are forbidden, I am a bit bummed. Why can’t I use my remote control dune buggy? When I packed, that was my plan for in-flight entertainment. Assholes.

Dear Illustrator: I hope you didn’t model this one on your own child. If so? I think you might want to have him tested for some odd aging disease because he simply looks like a little adult. And oddly flat. Perhaps you used Flat Stanley as a model? Or maybe the airline wanted you to show that oxygen masks are available to inflate passengers? I bet that’s it! Sorry to insult you.

What a relief! This plane used its landing gear in an emergency. And there are no signs of burning rubble in the wake of its crash landing. Even the woman disembarking looks very calm and put together – coiffed in a way that does Mad Men proud. In fact, the only sign that anything is amiss is the fact that there’s a frat boy sprinting away from the plane.

Which, now that I think of it, is probably about how it would all play out.

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16 Responses to “How I took my mind off dying…”

  1. Danielle February 22, 2012 at 9:15 pm #

    love it. you made me laugh out loud. glad you entertained yourself on the flight!

  2. dorkahontas February 22, 2012 at 9:40 pm #

    I like “Raise the Roof” Baby in panel 3.

    • pithypants February 25, 2012 at 2:57 pm #

      Can I get a “hey! hey!” up in here?

  3. John February 23, 2012 at 9:52 am #

    That first set of illustrations was designed by IKEA.

    • pithypants February 25, 2012 at 2:57 pm #

      Good call. No wonder my bookcase looks like it should be floating in the ocean.

  4. Lisa February 23, 2012 at 10:31 am #

    You do realize that the second set of instructions are Spanish, right? Which always makes me laugh on the plane when it says:
    Exit
    Why do the Spanish speakers have to leave out the other side of the plane?

    • pithypants February 25, 2012 at 2:53 pm #

      I do, but it’s funnier if you think the airline believes you’re dumb enough to need it phrased two different ways.

  5. twocentsplus February 23, 2012 at 2:18 pm #

    thanks for the morning laugh!!

  6. Julio Ibanez February 23, 2012 at 11:45 pm #

    Am I killing the joke by pointing out that the second line (“No Use”) is probably Spanish? I thought so. Sorry…

    • pithypants February 25, 2012 at 2:53 pm #

      Joke killer! I’m calling the joke police.

      • Julio Ibanez February 28, 2012 at 7:52 pm #

        CRAP! Since it was unintentional, does it qualify as some sort of joke manslaughter or will I be brought up on full charges?

        I want a lawyer present…

  7. thesinglecell February 24, 2012 at 5:53 pm #

    So… you took pictures of the Emergency Read Before Dying Guide? How did you not get escorted off the plane? BTW, the plane you were on (as described in the previous post) is exactly the same as the one I was on when I realized I was sharing the flight with a Catholic Cardinal, and I smelled my dead grandmother’s perfume. I suppose a live person might have been wearing it, but I’ve never run into anyone who wore it other than her, so I’m pretty sure it was my dead grandmother.

    What IS the baby bulb about? Does the child… I don’t know, glow, or something? After you throw it out of the plane and it floats all alone in the middle of the water?

    • pithypants February 25, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

      Hmmm. As far as omens go, having a cardinal on your plane sounds especially good. Even if it were a bird cardinal and not a church cardinal. Because bird cardinals can fly anywhere for free, so if they thought a plane was a better option than their own two wings – I wouldn’t doubt ’em. Dead grandma’s perfume? Slightly iffy omen. I’d think maybe I already had one foot in the grave.

  8. edrevets February 26, 2012 at 4:32 am #

    It’s high time someone makes fun of these. I also love the variations on different airlines—there are some truly inscrutable designs on some of them.

    Re: child: he also looks incredibly nonplussed, like a weird mini adult saying, ‘will you get on with it mother. Some of us need to breathe here.’

  9. Alicia February 28, 2012 at 9:33 am #

    I got it — that you were PRETENDING not to know Spanish. And I thought that was the sweetest part of this thing. Which is why you and I are going to write the funniest screenplay never made into a movie.

    • pithypants February 28, 2012 at 10:37 am #

      Correct. Funniest to ourselves and an audience of cats. Also – did you read my superbowl post about Target? Another instance in which I pretended to not understand Spanish.

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