Last Thursday I woke up to find my left eyelid swollen and crusted shut. Ah, Conjunctivitis – or, if we’re going with your less pretentious rap name – Pink Eye. Did you really need to pay me a visit? Besides, isn’t Pink Eye a disease that only five year olds get? From not washing their hands? Ew.
This is a head-scratcher, because (as I’ve previously stated) I’m somewhat OCD. And – thanks to my friends who spoil me – I have the world’s best-smelling hand soap so I probably have a tendency to over-wash my hands, if anything. And yet: my eye? It’s decidedly pink and goopy. I think the word for it is angry.
The last time this happened, multiple people posited a hypothesis as to the cause. So this time, when I made my announcement to the land of Facebook, I tried to head that theory off at the pass: “Nothing says happy holidays like Pink Eye. And no, Alan didn’t fart on my pillow.”
My sister – whom I’ve educated on a wide array of topics, including ceviche, dutch ovens, upper-deckers, kicking kangaroos and honeybadgers – not surprisingly, popped up in my chat window later the same day. “What’s that about Alan farting on your pillow???”
It took me a minute to respond, so added a few lines of: “???????????” to demonstrate her urgency.
Alicia tends to be gullible (as evidenced by our high school track coach getting her to swallow a huge multi-vitamin, then claiming it was a dog’s heartworm pill and writhing in laughter as she freaked out, trying to make herself vomit).
[I’m not actually sure if I got all those details right, but you get the idea. It’s at least 85% accurate.]
So for a minute, perusing all the images she’s Photoshopped to include crossed eyes on my Facebook Wall, I seriously considered telling her that yes, pink eye is commonly spread through flatulence trapped in bed sheets. Followed by calling her husband to bribe him to fart on her pillow just after she closes her eyes.
But what can I say? It’s Christmas and I have the holiday spirit, so I really couldn’t lie. So I sent her this [NSFW] link (from the movie Knocked Up) and left her to draw her own conclusions:
pithypants 
I worked at a preschool when I was in high school. Every single teacher and student got pink eye at least once except for me, so I was stuck holding down the screaming children to give them their eye drops for the coming weeks. It is the worst. And the grossest.
P.S. I think it is also a sign of ear infection– to add another hypothesis.
How did you avoid it? I picture you wearing Speedo goggles around the classroom.
Not to worry. I hear Pink Eye is the newest technique in bio-terrorism. You’re probably just collateral damage in some CIA sting to off some hypothetical Palestinians.
In 20 years of teaching I only got it twice, the last time after I quit this summer. It was their parting gift to me. Did you have to get the ungodly expensive eyedrops in the world’s tiniest bottle to get rid of it? Not fun.
Yes. I call them Liquid Diamonds. I plan to sell any remaining drops on the street corner for $29/drop. Does this mean they’re a gateway drug?
“somewhat” OCD? Ha! 🙂