Archive | 9:41 pm

Or as I call it: Stink Eye.

12 Dec

Last Thursday I woke up to find my left eyelid swollen and crusted shut. Ah, Conjunctivitis – or, if we’re going with your less pretentious rap name – Pink Eye. Did you really need to pay me a visit? Besides, isn’t Pink Eye a disease that only five year olds get? From not washing their hands? Ew.

This is a head-scratcher, because (as I’ve previously stated) I’m somewhat OCD. And – thanks to my friends who spoil me – I have the world’s best-smelling hand soap so I probably have a tendency to over-wash my hands, if anything. And yet: my eye? It’s decidedly pink and goopy. I think the word for it is angry.

The last time this happened, multiple people posited a hypothesis as to the cause. So this time, when I made my announcement to the land of Facebook, I tried to head that theory off at the pass: “Nothing says happy holidays like Pink Eye. And no, Alan didn’t fart on my pillow.”

My sister – whom I’ve educated on a wide array of topics, including ceviche, dutch ovens, upper-deckers, kicking kangaroos and honeybadgers – not surprisingly, popped up in my chat window later the same day. “What’s that about Alan farting on your pillow???”

It took me a minute to respond, so added a few lines of: “???????????” to demonstrate her urgency.

Alicia tends to be gullible (as evidenced by our high school track coach getting her to swallow a huge multi-vitamin, then claiming it was a dog’s heartworm pill and writhing in laughter as she freaked out, trying to make herself vomit).

[I’m not actually sure if I got all those details right, but you get the idea. It’s at least 85% accurate.]

So for a minute, perusing all the images she’s Photoshopped to include crossed eyes on my Facebook Wall, I seriously considered telling her that yes, pink eye is commonly spread through flatulence trapped in bed sheets. Followed  by calling her husband to bribe him to fart on her pillow just after she closes her eyes.

But what can I say? It’s Christmas and I have the holiday spirit, so I really couldn’t lie. So I sent her this [NSFW] link (from the movie Knocked Up) and left her to draw her own conclusions: