Archive | 9:17 pm

The fire log from hell tried to kill me.

12 Dec

Perhaps I'm being melodramatic, but it felt like a forest fire in my living room.

Give me a chilly winter night, and it’s a lock you’ll find a fire in my hearth and a glass of wine in my hand. I’m a sucker for fires. IN THE FIREPLACE.

Sorry, had to clarify that, because last night I was 98% certain I was going to burn my entire apartment building to the ground thanks to a Hell Log from Pine Mountain.

One down-side to condo living is that I don’t have wood pile out back that I can access on chilly nights. And storing a pile of wood in my place is not an option… anyone familiar with termites?

I am. The first place I rented in DC had an infestation. I came home from work one day to see what looked like black blood running down the wall of the dining room. Turns out, it was mass of termites trying to flee, their writhing bodies looking oddly fluid. Yes, I’m haunted. It’s nothing short of scarring.

So the solution is store-bought, 4-hour fire logs. And not only are they termite-free, but they also come with a pre-determined burn time so you can plan your evening. Want to go to bed at 10? Fine, pop that log on at 6. Voila!

This year I’ve been buying Pine Mountain brand, because they’re (allegedly) more environmentally-friendly. Last night, I think I figured out why: they try to kill anyone who starts a fire.

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