Tag Archives: fireplace

For the record: I was NOT an alarmist.

31 Jan

Courteney Cox: this should've been your first clue that you were marrying down.

About a month ago I posted about a firelog from hell trying to kill me. I’m sure you thought I was over-reacting, that my toting a fire extinguisher around was overkill.

Well, I’m here to tell you that Google says otherwise.

Since writing that post, every week I’ve had a few blog hits because people googled the following search terms:

  • how to kill fire log
  • how to extinguish pine mountain logs
  • what the hell is a fire log
  • fire log ashes
  • 12 hour fire log

Don’t judge the first guy, the one who asked “how to kill fire log?” in his best caveman voice. I know EXACTLY how he feels. Because when your log is shooting 3-foot flames up your chimney, it has become a living thing that must be killed, not just extinguished.

Along those lines, I’m guessing the second person was still in the “curious” phase and not yet terrified, because there’s no way I could’ve spelled “extinguish” when worried that I was going to burn my entire building to the ground.

I’m curious about the guy who googled, “what the hell is a fire log.” Why so angry, sir? And where were you that the topic of a fire log arose without also having someone on hand to define it? Or were you curious about a fire log’s chemical components? Actually, if that’s what you were driving at – if your tone is more of awe than anger – I can completely relate.

And last, for the 12-hour searcher: wishful thinking. A 12 hour fire ? That’s called a furnace.

Judgement: vindicated. Thank you very much.

The fire log from hell tried to kill me.

12 Dec

Perhaps I'm being melodramatic, but it felt like a forest fire in my living room.

Give me a chilly winter night, and it’s a lock you’ll find a fire in my hearth and a glass of wine in my hand. I’m a sucker for fires. IN THE FIREPLACE.

Sorry, had to clarify that, because last night I was 98% certain I was going to burn my entire apartment building to the ground thanks to a Hell Log from Pine Mountain.

One down-side to condo living is that I don’t have wood pile out back that I can access on chilly nights. And storing a pile of wood in my place is not an option… anyone familiar with termites?

I am. The first place I rented in DC had an infestation. I came home from work one day to see what looked like black blood running down the wall of the dining room. Turns out, it was mass of termites trying to flee, their writhing bodies looking oddly fluid. Yes, I’m haunted. It’s nothing short of scarring.

So the solution is store-bought, 4-hour fire logs. And not only are they termite-free, but they also come with a pre-determined burn time so you can plan your evening. Want to go to bed at 10? Fine, pop that log on at 6. Voila!

This year I’ve been buying Pine Mountain brand, because they’re (allegedly) more environmentally-friendly. Last night, I think I figured out why: they try to kill anyone who starts a fire.

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