Tell you what, I’ll worship your god, if you…

I think this couch, with someone sitting on it, was still lighter than mine.

Friday I moved the majority of my stuff from my old place to the new one. Well, I shouldn’t say I, because all I did was sit dejectedly on the steps trying to stay out from under foot. Although I’m a) only moving four blocks and b) only had a one bedroom condo full of stuff to move, I hired movers. You might think me a wimp, but had you witnessed the Herculean task of getting my heavy-as-shit sofa bed up five flights of stairs and into my place ten years ago, my decision would be obvious.

While the guys carried my sofa down the stairs, I sat on the front steps keeping an eye on the truck to make sure no one stole my stuff. (At some point it had occurred to me that an unattended moving truck would be a perfect target, and I became paranoid that no one was watching it. Founded or irrational? You be the judge.) Anyway, while I was sitting there, I noticed a group of well-dressed senior citizens slowing making their way down the street, stopping to ring every doorbell along the way.

Witnesses, I thought to myself, then puzzled on the idea that in 13 years of living in Washington DC, I had never been “witnessed.” It was a fairly common occurrence in Michigan (where I grew up, and I even got “witnessed” while on vacation in Florida in middle school. (My mom and her sisters had gone on a day’s cruise in the Bahamas, but I stayed home sick. When the doorbell to my aunt’s house rang, I answered it. I was both polite and sick, my defenses completely worn down, so I invited the Witnesses in for tea because I wanted to sit while they talked.)

So a few quick thoughts about the beliefs of Jehovah’s Witnesses (not the people – the people themselves are lovely and make great neighbors):

• The Earth is ruled by Satan (and has been since 1914). OK. Two thoughts here:
  • First, if Satan rules the world, then why isn’t there more evil in it? Because when I look around, wars and gangs and murder and discrimination and suffering are present, but there is still an awful lot more good than bad to the scene. I would think that if Satan was actually in charge, we would all be feasting on our house pets for breakfast. (On second thought: Maybe Satan’s in charge of China?)
  • And finally: really? 1914? Before that, everything was cool and after that Satan was in charge? Interesting use of a specific date. I’d like a Powerpoint presentation of life pre- and post- Satan to help me buy into this date.
    
• 144,000 people will get to go to heaven to rule over Earth. Given the size of the Earth’s population (past, present and future), that sure seems like a TINY number who will get to wield the power. My guess is that those slots are already filled. You need something more enticing than THAT to persuade me to go to Kingdom Hall every Saturday and go door knocking in my spare time. And again, what is with the specific number? I wonder if they realized that most skeptics pick apart religions for being a bit fuzzy with details and decided to counter that head-on?

Anyway. So there I am, sitting on my steps, checking my watch and wondering if the movers have fallen down the stairs and been crushed by my sofa, when an elderly woman approaches me and begins witnessing, going so far as to give me an invitation to attend a three day conference/retreat in Richmond. She gives me a taste of what eternity will feel like and my mind begins to wander. At one point it occurs to me to make a deal to get her to move along.

It would’ve gone something like this:

Tell you what. I’ll attend your convention… if you can move my couch. Deal?

Tags: moving, religion, sofabed, Witness