Archive | April, 2010

If only you would do what I tell you…

16 Apr

Some people call me bossy. (You know who you are.) Maybe they’re right.

This is *exactly* what I looked like.

Today I was standing in Thomas Circle trying to cross traffic when I heard sirens blaring. An ambulance was bearing down on the circle, hellbent for leather, and the traffic was gridlocked. The ambulance driver tried to pull a slick trick and bypass traffic to get to an inner-lane of the circle, but ended up stuck, with only his horn to lean on.

Fewer than 20% of cars in the District are tagged with DC plates on a weekday, so there’s a solid 80% of drivers who (presumably) crap their pants when faced with a traffic circle. Even savvy DC drivers sometimes go slack when faced with navigating a circle, what with its flashing arrows and tricky yield signs. Add in a frenzied ambulance and expect IQs to plumment as  otherwise intelligent people to freeze in terror.

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A rose by any other name… might smell like kielbasa?

15 Apr

So we all know people with unfortunate name combinations…. just start a conversation about someone you know whose name is Rose Budd (nee Bush) and inevitably, you’ll start hearing about other ironic pairings.

Last night at book club this very topic came up and I found myself talking about a girl I went to elementary school with, who – in the interest of anonymity – we’ll call Krista Hiney. (This isn’t her real last name, but it’s a close parallel, especially on the Hiney part.)

Her last name wasn’t just unfortunate, but something of a self-fulfilling prophecy: in fourth grade she crapped her pants during quiet reading time. Except instead of wearing pants, she was actually wearing a dress, so she had to be pushed out of the classroom while still seated in her chair because she was scared her underwear would fall down when she stood up.

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Who doesn’t love a knock-knock joke?

14 Apr

This weekend we saw Kristen Schaal at the Arlington Cinema & Drafthouse (ACDH). If you don’t know who I’m talking about, she has a recurring role on “Flight of the Conchords” and is even funnier as a stand-up comedian. Want a taste? This clip doesn’t do her justice, but it’s better than nothing:

Until a few months ago, I hadn’t realized that the ACDH had anything other than movies. Turns out, it’s a great place to see stand-up. The first show we saw there together was Gallagher, which was, um,  eye-opening.

Talk about a has-been… here’s a guy who – at his prime – sold out major venues just for smashing watermelons. Yet when we saw him, he wasn’t able to fill even HALF of the ACDH. Before the show started, we saw him sitting near the bar scarfing down dinner, so Alan approached and asked for his autograph, which he gave graciously enough.

During the show, however, he bounced between topics with all the direction of a plinko chip and his interaction with the audience was almost hostile. At one point I got up to go to the bathroom and the entire time I was gone he engaged Alan in an uncomfortable conversation about our relationship. When I returned, his words to me were, “Dump this guy.” Not exactly the commentary we buy tickets to hear.

Last time I checked, the only places people go expecting to be insulted are Ed Debevic’s and the DMV.

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This is wrong on so many levels…

13 Apr

So my 12 year old nephew has a “Lover of the Day” application on his Facebook account. That, in and of itself, has disturbed me since I noticed it a couple months ago.

It begs a few questions:

First, do 12-year-olds have lovers? Lord, I hope not.

Second, if pre-teens do have lovers, is it good to get them thinking that it is appropriate to adopt a new one DAILY?

And finally, is it WISE to let an application automatically generate one’s “lover of the day?” There are all sorts of ways this random selection process can create screwy results, as demonstrated here:

Call me crazy, but unless you live in West Virginia, I don’t think that your aunt should be an option.

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I wonder if I’ll get a bill for my 911 call…

11 Apr

Well hello there...

There’s something about the first warm days of the year that compel me to spend every possible minute outside. This weekend we as no exception – DC served up two perfect summer days, made even better by my recent exposure to Chicago’s 28-degree temperatures.

Yesterday Alan and I packed a picnic and walked over to the Shirlington Dog Park, which is all of ten minutes from his place. The dog park borders a creek, so it’s not uncommon for people to walk their dogs down the steep embankment and throw balls into the water for their dogs to retrieve. Alan and I spread our blanket on the other side of the bank, where we had a perfect view of all the activity without the smell of dog crap.

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