Tag Archives: Swimming

A day in my life, in Jeopardy format.

27 Apr

I’m too tired to write a fully-formed post. So instead, I’m going to share three of the random thoughts that have gone through my head in the past 24 hours. I’ll supply the thought first and the trigger second, in an attempt to drive Alec Trebek wild with enthusiasm.

Here goes…

Thought #1: “Well, I might be aging but you are too and at least I’m doing it with a roof over my head. Wait. I’m moving. Maybe I will be fired or won’t be able to afford my new mortgage and I’ll end up homeless. In which case this was not only a mean thought, but an ironic one. I want to take it back! I’m an evil, awful person for thinking that!”

Trigger #1: What is the one response to a homeless man, shouting, “Damn Sugar. Ain’t getting any younger!” at me today?

Thought #2: “I really need to find a new pool.”

Trigger #2: What is the appropriate reaction to finding a dirty (by which I mean USED) and water-logged tampon sitting on top of the soap dispenser in a shower stall at my pool? Enough said. (Vomit.)

Thought #3: “Is it my mat or the blanket that smells like fish?”

Trigger #3: What is a yogic mystery? Somehow I managed to choose a blanket at yoga tonight that smelled like it was washed with clam juice. Every time I did a downward-facing dog, I found myself pulling a few extra, curious drags of air to diagnose the odor. Halfway through class, I pinpointed the blanket, traded it for another and the problem was solved. Oddly, I was not craving clams casino when I left class.

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I’m no shrinking violet, but…

20 Apr

Yesterday when I finished my swim, I was the only person in my section of the women’s locker room. That doesn’t mean I was alone. On the contrary, it was clear there was another person in there with me on the other side of the lockers, because I could clearly hear her cell phone conversation.

“Dat Joe is a playa. His sh*t really makes me mad. He gotta stop f*ckin’ with me like dis. His dick is…”

It was a long, angry and foul stream of language that made me instinctively hide my iPhone and car keys because I worried that I was sharing the locker room with a bonafide gang member. Just as I was in the process of sliding the cash from my wallet into my pocket, I heard another voice interrupt her with a pissy, “Shh. Please?!”

“Oh, sorry,” she responded.

I wanted to step around the lockers and get a look at the woman who shushed her. Because I’ve always wondered exactly what “balls the size of Texas” look like.

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Reminder: Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you have to be lame.

24 Feb

Today when I went to the DC Pool to swim, a little girl skipped past me up the sidewalk and shouted, “Hi!” Inside at the check-in desk, she explained to me that her mom would be signing her in later. Friendly little thing, I thought.

In the locker room, separated by a row of lockers, she shouted, “Do you have your swimsuit on under your clothes?” I assumed her mom had shown up. But then, ten seconds later, she yelled the exact same thing, only louder, and came walking around the lockers to look at me.

I faced her, topless, and said, “Apparently not.”

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Saturday’s Swim: My (OCD) stream of thoughts…

22 Feb

Wow. The water feels colder than usual.

It’s been three weeks. I wonder if I’ll get tired fast.

The bandaid on my thumb is loose.

I hope it doesn’t fall off.

It was nice of that man to share his lane with me.

He doesn’t seem to be doing anything but standing.

Why is he wearing flippers?

There are a lot of kids here today.

How many of them have peed in this water?

Shit. There goes my bandaid.

I wonder if I’ll see it when I swim back the other way.

If I do see it, should I dive down and grab it?

What number lap is this? Seven?

Am I ten percent done already? Awesome!

I’m not as cold as I was when I first jumped in.

There! Is that my bandaid?

I’ll go get it.

Wait. That might not be my bandaid.

Oh my God. I almost touched someone else’s bandaid.

I want to wash my hands.

How ironic would that be?

There’s actually a lot of shit on the bottom of the pool.

I wonder when they’ll vacuum it.

Oh, here comes the guy in the flippers…

How can he be going that slow with flippers?

I wonder if anyone famous has ever swum in this pool.

Probably Mayor Fenty, but he’s not famous.

Is that lifeguard asleep?

He looks like his eyes are closed.

If only I could see him longer.

If someone drowns while he’s sleeping, would I be able to help?

Do I remember how?

The only thing I remember about life guard training is to be careful because a drowning person will try to climb on top of your head.

My aunt is always scared that cats will jump on top of her head.

That’s a weird fear.

What lap am I on?

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