Surprisingly, I’m not a natural blonde.

21 Jan

You know that sports expression about “leaving it all on the field?” (Or as we say in yoga: leaving it on the mat.) Well, I had that kind of week at work.

In fact, I left so much on the mat, it appears I didn’t save anything for the weekend. In an uncharacteristic move, I spent most of today on the couch, napping and listening to an audiobook (repeatedly, since I couldn’t stay awake).

I finally peeled myself off the couch at 4:30 to go to yoga. There was a class in session, so I took my shoes off and plopped on a seat, waiting for it to end. Then, self-doubt kicked in. What time is it? Is that MY class? Am I late? 

I pulled out my cell phone to check the time. Nope: still five minutes until class. Whew.

But I couldn’t remember there being a class on the schedule immediately before mine, so I pulled my phone back out to check. And that’s when I realized: I had hoofed it to the studio for a class that is scheduled tomorrow. Awesome.

Perhaps I need a pedicure?

Shaking my head, I put my shoes back on and sheepishly walked back downstairs. As I passed the front desk, I shrugged and explained, “I’m a dumbass.  I was thinking today was Sunday. See you tomorrow instead!” The girl just laughed and waved me out.

I walked half way home before realizing I didn’t have my yoga mat with me any more. So I had to turn around and go back to the studio. When I walked through the door, the girl said, “Sunday, already?” Clever. Ass-whooping time, already? 

I retrieved my mat and headed back home, returning to the couch I never should’ve left in the first place. Turns out ? There’s a fine line between leaving it all on the mat, and just plain leaving the mat.

 

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Yes, another fart post. There goes *that* resolution.

16 Jan

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My entire life, I’ve been told I “seem wiser than my age” or “have an old soul” or “am mature beyond my years.”

Boy, that “Playdoh with Plato” class my parents enrolled me in as a preschooler was money well spent. Actually, no, there isn’t really a class named that.

But as a kid I often did enjoy conversing with my parents’ adult friends more than kids my own age. When I first started working, I was given responsibility that aligned to someone 10+ years my senior because everyone assumed I was older. That trend continued for years.

So it’s somewhat ironic, then, that I function like a twelve year old when it comes to fart humor. I was reminded of this yesterday at yoga, when the girl next to me was clearly not having a good workout. When we started the ab portion of the class and began doing crunches, she squeaked out an audible fart. I would’ve been able to rise above it, were it not for one thing: her reaction.

Instead of continuing with her workout in a way that could’ve cast doubt as to who the culprit really was, she immediately collapsed onto her back and lay as still as a corpse while the rest of us continued hammering out crunches. It was the equivalent of seeing a football official throw a flag on a play, directing everyone’s attention to the field to spot the problem.

This gave me the giggles. I might have worked past them, had two other things not happened.

First, she did it again, the next time we did sit-ups. (Have you learned NOTHING?!) I’m thinking we need another version of the the, “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…” adage to help this poor girl learn from her mistakes.

And second, later in the workout, when we shifted from down-dog to plank (a very routine move) she collapsed. She hit the floor with an audible thud/moan combo. Half the class stopped and turned around, thinking they would see teeth scattered around on her mat.

I know, this really isn’t funny. And it’s mean of me to laugh at someone else’s embarrassment. I really do try to be a better person, to rise above it. But if it’s any excuse, I think things like this tickle me so much not because I’m enjoying her misfortune, but rather because I’m relieved it’s not me. Because another day, in another class, it has been very well could be.

 

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Really, loose lips did THIS?

15 Jan

This is what we call a "Career Ending Move" by the captain.

I’ve never taken a cruise. Not a day cruise of the Bahamas or a week cruise of Alaska. Until this weekend, my reasons for avoiding this type of travel were:

  1. The Environment – do you know how much fuel it takes to power a cruise ship and how much pollution it creates? Tons.
  2. The People – I hate touristy vacations, so the idea of being holed up on a boat with tourists = anti-vacation.
  3. The Idea – my kind of vacation is going somewhere and exploring and immersing myself in the local culture; a cruise seems to allow only a superficial exposure to the port cities where you stop, with a larger emphasis on the on-ship experience – buffets, entertainment, etc.
Tourist Vessel off the coast of Antarctica - 2007

Tourist Vessel off the coast of Antarctica - 2007

Don’t get me wrong – I understand that loads of people love cruises and I’m not putting them down (although I do think you should realize how bad they are for the environment before you book a ticket so that if you decide to do it anyway, you can at least make sure your enjoyment is worth the extermination of a few species). I’m just saying: not my thing.

Anyway. After this weekend, a whole new reason tops this list: SINKING SHIPS.

Fascinated by the vessel that ran ashore off the coast of Italy, I started googling “sinking ship” to see if I could find videos of it. Know what I found? Videos of many, many passenger ships that have sunk. WTF? Call me naïve, but I was thinking that ship builders got their shit together after the Titanic and built these things so they were unsinkable. Apparently NOT. Here’s a rundown if you’d like to fact-check my claim: http://www.cruisejunkie.com/Sunk.html

Copyright: Michael Hipler

2007 - off the coast of Greece

Granted, most people generally survive. But still? Any cruise that a) Sends deck furniture into the ocean, or b) Tilts my porthole so I am looking directly into the water = unacceptable. Because either situation would prompt me to crap my pants, and – I don’t know about you, but – any vacation in which I have to deal with my own excrement isn’t actually a vacation. (High standards, I guess.)

From the limited research I did (two minutes on Google) it looks like the most common cause is pilot error. Um. Just looking at the photos from the current wreck and the one off the coast of Greece in 2007, I’m pretty sure anyone who wasn’t drunk or half-asleep could’ve guessed that those boats were too close to shore.

Another thing that’s messed up about cruise ships? PIRATES. Every time a pirate attack makes the news, I’m left scratching my head, puzzled that such an occupation still exists. What next? Stagecoach robberies? Sorry, does not compute. Pirates belong in the same category as gladiators: dwelling only in the past or the movies. (And yes, I realize I’ve mixed comparisons – I know that a gladiator isn’t someone who holds up a stagecoach.)

Anyway, I’ll close with one final tip. Look at these photos. Notice anything? Correct: If you insist on taking a cruise, book your room on the LEFT side of the ship. And – just to annoy your travel agent – refer to it as the “above-water” side.

Bon voyage.

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Read the label: or not.

14 Jan

I’ve been offline for a week. I suppose you thought I was busy working. What if I told you I’d spent the last week curled up in the fetal position with my eyes pinched shut, waiting for the Mountain Dew lawsuit to just go away?

You know what I’m talking about, right? A guy tried to sue PepsiCo because he claims he found a mouse in his can of Mountain Dew.

But – in a revelation of logic that would’ve done Jessica Fletcher proud, PepsiCo’s scientists shut him down by (essentially) saying, “You’re lying. Know how we know? If a mouse HAD been trapped in the can, the chemicals in Mountain Dew would’ve reduced it to jelly before you opened the can. AH HA! LIAR!”

Hey PepsiCo: let’s file that one under “Winning the Battle, Losing the War.”

Alan (ever the lawyer) disagrees with me on this one. He considers this The. Best. Defense. Ever. Why? “Because seriously? Mountain Dew is florescent yellow. It GLOWS. No one is going to be surprised that it isn’t good for them to ingest. The only thing that is missing in their defense is, ‘DUH.'”

At this point in our conversation, I find it hard to keep eye contact. Because, um, shameful as this is to admit: I love Diet Mountain Dew. It is the best tasting flavor of florescent yellow I know. And as a fan of DMD, I believe it is my responsibility to drink it regularly – someone needs to help Pepsi diversify their consumer base for this product. Here’s my sense of the current consumer profile for Diet Mountain Dew:

Keepin' it classy. You're welcome, Pepsi.

Oh sure, I know it’s not health food. I didn’t think it was giving me a vitamin boost. I didn’t call it Magic Juice. But – and tell me if I have unrealistic standards here – I don’t expect something approved by the FDA to actively rot my innards. Sigh.

In related news, I’m thinking I might need to read the ingredient list on this a bit more closely before I spread it on my toast:

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List: 10 THINGS that make weekends even better

7 Jan

With all the talk of New Year’s Resolutions, it’s reminded me how much I like lists. They’re easier to read than paragraphs, and they’re much, MUCH easier to write. So this month, in addition to my regular babble about life, I’m going to share a few random lists with you.

List #1: 10 Things That Make Weekends Even Better Have the Ability to Ruin Your Weekend

  1. NPR’s weekend programming*
  2. Apple products*
  3. Bathtubs & books
  4. A garbage chute
  5. Scented candles
  6. Lamby
  7. Animals that let me touch them
  8. Jasmine tea
  9. The weather
  10. Yoga

*NPR and Apple almost canceled each other out and got eliminated from my list because today’s This American Life was about the sweatshops in China where Apple products are made. Ergo, today’s dose of irony: Apparently sweatshops make my weekend better, while people working in sweatshops don’t know what weekends are.

Great, now I feel like an asshole.

And sadly, Apple probably does a better job than most trying to make sure its vendors follow fair labor practices.

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