Read the label: or not.

14 Jan

I’ve been offline for a week. I suppose you thought I was busy working. What if I told you I’d spent the last week curled up in the fetal position with my eyes pinched shut, waiting for the Mountain Dew lawsuit to just go away?

You know what I’m talking about, right? A guy tried to sue PepsiCo because he claims he found a mouse in his can of Mountain Dew.

But – in a revelation of logic that would’ve done Jessica Fletcher proud, PepsiCo’s scientists shut him down by (essentially) saying, “You’re lying. Know how we know? If a mouse HAD been trapped in the can, the chemicals in Mountain Dew would’ve reduced it to jelly before you opened the can. AH HA! LIAR!”

Hey PepsiCo: let’s file that one under “Winning the Battle, Losing the War.”

Alan (ever the lawyer) disagrees with me on this one. He considers this The. Best. Defense. Ever. Why? “Because seriously? Mountain Dew is florescent yellow. It GLOWS. No one is going to be surprised that it isn’t good for them to ingest. The only thing that is missing in their defense is, ‘DUH.'”

At this point in our conversation, I find it hard to keep eye contact. Because, um, shameful as this is to admit: I love Diet Mountain Dew. It is the best tasting flavor of florescent yellow I know. And as a fan of DMD, I believe it is my responsibility to drink it regularly – someone needs to help Pepsi diversify their consumer base for this product. Here’s my sense of the current consumer profile for Diet Mountain Dew:

Keepin' it classy. You're welcome, Pepsi.

Oh sure, I know it’s not health food. I didn’t think it was giving me a vitamin boost. I didn’t call it Magic Juice. But – and tell me if I have unrealistic standards here – I don’t expect something approved by the FDA to actively rot my innards. Sigh.

In related news, I’m thinking I might need to read the ingredient list on this a bit more closely before I spread it on my toast:

15 Responses to “Read the label: or not.”

  1. Darlene Steelman January 14, 2012 at 9:19 pm #

    I knew there was a reason I didn’t like Mountain Dew. It’s like drinking carbonated ecto-plasm. And it looks like anti-freeze… >:\ plech!

    Love this post.

    • pithypants January 14, 2012 at 9:33 pm #

      But it is unparalleled in how it complements cheese doodles.

  2. thesinglecell January 14, 2012 at 9:39 pm #

    I got a Mountain Dew hangover when I was 16. (Regular, not diet.) I have not had it again since. And although I tend to agree with Alan that the defense will actually work, I’m not exactly sure it’s in the best interests of PepsiCo to let that little fact out. Might be best just to settle, no?

    It’s been a bad week for junk. DMD and Hostess… we hardly knew ye.

    • pithypants January 14, 2012 at 9:53 pm #

      Somehow I missed the Hostess bankruptcy until you posted this. Yeesh. What does this country stand for, if not processed foods and expanding waistlines!

  3. Alicia January 14, 2012 at 9:46 pm #

    This is the first i’m hearing of this. Not surprisingly, I couldn’t care less. 1) As you so eloquently point out (love the pie chart) — it should not be news to any consumer that MD is not healthy. 2) I am the woman who drank tea seasoned with mouse turds all last summer. So, really, is a whole body going to bother me?

    Drink on, Dear Sis, Drink on.

    • pithypants January 14, 2012 at 9:54 pm #

      Forgot about the Mouse Turd Tea. I’m thinking that’s kind of like the coffee they make from bat droppings. Could sell it for beaucoups bucks. Business idea?

  4. Fiercely Yours January 14, 2012 at 11:45 pm #

    But it’s just so good.

  5. societyred January 15, 2012 at 7:34 am #

    Hilarious! I don’t think devoted DMD fans will flinch at the thought of a melted mouse in their beverage, already having worked through the fact that they’re drinking something that looks like antifreeze. This reminds me of the chicken bone in the Coke experiment in grade school! Love the pie chart!

  6. Kimberly Pugliano January 15, 2012 at 9:56 am #

    Mountain Dew has always scared me BUT I’ve had MUCH respect to those who drink it, diet or otherwise. I just think you guys haves superpowers.

    • pithypants January 15, 2012 at 5:25 pm #

      I think it’s our kidneys that have superpowers because they somehow manage to take the florescence out of it.

  7. Curly Carly January 15, 2012 at 11:07 am #

    Love the pie chart! I find it comical that doneone would sue over this. If there was a mouse in my bottle of MD, I’m pretty sure I would see it in there.

    • pithypants January 15, 2012 at 5:25 pm #

      You’re clearly brighter than the average Dew head.

      • Curly Carly January 15, 2012 at 10:12 pm #

        Uhh…make that “someone.” That’s what I get for commenting using my iPhone and not proof reading.

  8. Michele Hoke Steele February 8, 2012 at 12:58 pm #

    I am well aware of your love for Mountain Dew which is why when I read the following from a website frequent, I immediately knew I needed to come to your blog and search for a post on the delicious neon yellow drink (yes I am a lover of the dew as well! Not to the extenxt you are though, I mean I don’t have it in my cheerios). Anyways, I am not telling you about this for the health reasons, you are obviously well aware it is bad for you but I thought it might help to explain some of your odd behaviors and symptions you may be showing…

    “Mountain Dew contains an ingredient called brominated vegetable oil, or BVO, added to prevent the flavoring from separating from the drink, is an industrial chemical used as a flame retardant in plastics. Also found in other citrus-based soft drinks and sports drinks, the chemical has been known to cause memory loss and nerve disorders when consumed in large quantities. Researchers also suspect that, like brominated flame retardants used in furniture foam, the chemical builds up in body fat, possibly causing behavioral problems, infertility, and lesions on heart muscles over time.”

    I hope you know I am just kidding! IWell sort of!

    • pithypants February 9, 2012 at 7:55 am #

      I knew it contained flame retardant… I just thought it would keep me from spontaneously combusting.

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