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Rant: The SHOCK and HORROR when a Hollywood Couple Separates.

13 Oct

 

It's almost like they posed so that they could cut the photo in half.

 

Over the last few days, I’ve been shocked by how much attention Courteney Cox and David Arquette’s split is receiving on the internet. (Perhaps on TV too, but since I don’t own one, I’m blissfully ignorant.)

Really? People give a shit about the relationship of two celebrities? And correct me if I’m wrong, but most relationships have 50/50 odds on working out and Hollywood seems to have a much lower success rate. So why is it surprising that Courteney and David can’t make it work? Besides, do we actually know these people? Are we so acquainted with them that we never saw this coming from all our time observing their happiness?

Sorry, I just don’t get it.

Know what I find shocking? How blunt and open Arquette seems to have been when he called into Howard Stern’s show. I didn’t hear it, but if this blog article is accurate, it sounds like he let it all hang out. I actually think it’s kind of funny that he’s admitting that he is an overgrown child that she got tired of mothering.

The only reason I surfed to that article was to figure out what all the fuss was about – why I’d seen so many Facebook statuses talking about “Dave and Court” as if they were actual friends. What I find entertaining are the comments that people took the time to post in response to the blog post. A few of my favorites, categorized:

From “Mrs. I Hate My Marriage But God Won’t Let Me Leave” we have:

And from “Mr. I’ll Never Win a N.O.W. Award” there’s this sage advice:

 

I like that he received 5 thumbs-downs for this comment - and uses Obama's "hope" image as his photo.

 

And finally, “Mr. I Can’t Wait to Go Home and Beat My Wife” says:

You know what I found most shocking of all? How Courteney spells her name. Anyone want to tell her she has an extra ‘E’ floating around in there?

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This is how an appliance gives you the finger.

1 Oct

Let me refresh your memory. Four months ago I moved into a new place. It was so wonderful I did standing backflips just like Cuba Gooding Jr. in Jerry Maguire. (Can’t picture that? Here is a second refresher of how nimble I am.)

I was still backflipping when – on the second day of possession – I opened my freezer and found it FLOODED with water, some of which had formed icicles from the ice cube tray to the floor of the freezer. And there was still water spraying everywhere with the urgency of a dog dousing a fire hydrant.

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You know you’ve done this.

19 Aug

Last night I was being lazy, so instead of making dinner, I simply heated my oven and popped in frozen Tarte d’Alsace from Trader Joe.

(Don’t know what that is? Then keep walking… nothing to see here folks… There is NO way I’m turning you onto these because they already sell out like mad. It’s like referring someone to your dentist, only to NEVER get to book another appointment again. I’m not doing it.)

Anyway…  there I am all craving a Tarte d’Alsace, so I reach into my freezer, pull out one of the TWO boxes I have on hand (due to awesome planning), and…

WHAT? WHAT THE HELL?

There are MUSHROOMS on this box. (Not actually growing on it – just in the picture.)

But still: A Tarte d’Alsace involves three things: cheese, bacony ham, and onions. NOT mushrooms.

I study the box for a second, then check my freezer – same deal.

All of a sudden it becomes clear to me: Trader Joe’s is filming a pedestrian version of Punk’d – in which real consumers grab products from their dedicated place – only to get home and realize they have been PUNK’D.

It’s like going to the milk section, reaching for your usual suspect and getting home to realize you’ve been duped into buying soy milk.

Well, let me tell you: I can’t wait to watch that video. Or punch the jackass that moved my Tarte d’Alsaces on me.

Then we’ll see who’s been punk’d.

(As a side note, the real term for this dish in France is Tarte Flambee. And interestingly, in Germany it is know as “Flammkuchen,” which to me sounds like the translation should be “flaming koochie.” Unfortunate. Perhaps the Germans have been punk’d?)

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Suggestion: Please eat off a plate. Not off your baby.

28 Jul

At Whole Foods tonight, I was about to help myself to a chunk of gruyere, until I saw a toddler break free of his dad, run to the cheese station, stick his hands above his head and wildly jam them in the opening of the cheese stand feeling for any pieces of cheese he could grab.

At that point, I kind of threw up in my mouth. Needless to say, I passed on the gruyere.

Something about babies’ and toddlers’ hands and mouths disgust me. Maybe it’s because I’m completely lacking a maternal instinct, or maybe it’s because – as often as not – these parts of kids are coated with some unidentifiable greenish-yellow mucus. Call me crazy, but I would rather eat a grape off my toilet seat than let a child hold it before putting it in my mouth.

Perhaps one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever witnessed is this move: Mother is spoon-feeding her child… Food misses kid’s mouth and ends up all around it… Mother cleans up face by collecting the puree in a spoon – then eats it herself… ACK!

And that’s why I don’t have babies: I would be a non-stop puking machine. Then again, I might actually stand a chance of losing the baby weight.

No. Don’t worry: I will not reproduce.

You’re welcome.

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