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Thank you for over-sharing.

12 May

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My yoga instructor this morning was a guy who takes it all a bit too seriously. In addition to wearing nut-huggers, sporting a thick ’70s porno ‘stache and playing a flute during class, he walks around projecting “deep thoughts” in a stage voice during the class.

(If this is ringing a bell: yes, I’ve written about him before.)

Today’s theme was “asking for help.” It was a great message: part of living in – or belonging to – a community is allowing people to help you. It’s good for you, and people enjoy being allowed to help. Nice lesson and I should probably try to follow it more often.

But where it went a bit sideways was in the examples he chose to share with us. During our 90 minute class, I learned:

  • He has a voice coach for opera
  • He has a language coach for foreign languages
  • He has a life/career coach
  • He once had $52,000 in credit card debt
  • He was able to pay it off using a debt relief service

Each revelation made me lose focus on my yoga pose and instead head down a mental HabiTrail of marginally related thoughts.

Of COURSE he has a voice coach! No wonder he always projects his voice like Tobias Funkë. I wonder if he’s capable of a regular conversation without a stage voice? 

I wonder what foreign languages he studies? Italian seems like a no-brainer because of the opera, but I’m also going to vote for Spanish. Because he looks like someone who would like to use authentic pronunciation when ordering at Taco Bell.

A career/life coach? Whoa – that one had her work cut out for her, because I’m not actually seeing opera singer + yoga instructor + floutist as an obvious career path. Also: I didn’t realize one could AFFORD a life coach in pursuing that career path.

Ah ha! Let me guess how you racked up $52k in credit card debt. I’m going out on a limb here, but – was it all the coaches? 

Or maybe it was the flute.

Or the shorts. 

Actually – there’s really just no telling.

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Random: Unrelated observations from my week

11 Mar

Lessons in Flying

#1: They say that people seated in the exit row on airplanes must speak English, but it turns out, that’s not true. I know because I sat next to a hulking blond dude who responded to the question “Please confirm you speak English by responding with ‘Yes’ when I get to you.” After seven other people successfully said yes, Vlad looked at the flight attendant blankly, then said, “Da-di.” I don’t think that means yes in any language, but he was allowed to keep his seat.

#2: I saw a man digging through the recycling bin in the airport next to my gate. At first I thought he was homeless, looking for food, but then I smacked my head realizing homeless people generally don’t make it past security since they need both an ID and a boarding pass. Then I decided he was resourceful for using someone else’s newspaper instead of paying $20 for one from WH Smith. Now don’t ask me where I got that InStyle.

#3: The Boston-based flight attendant who helped us bounce back to DC on Friday deserves an A+ for enforcement. She made the announcement about stowing all portable electronica devices, then walked down the aisle, row by row, checking to make sure everyone had put them away. When she found people still using their phones, she said – with a thick Boston accent, “Really? Really? You heard my announcement and just decided to ignore it? C’mon. I’m an Italian mother. Don’t make me pop you with a spoon.”

Speaking of Boston

I was in Boston for a new hire training session. The last time I was there, I mistakenly tried to enter the classroom mid-session by quietly easing my way in through the room’s back door. Turns out, the door I’d eased open was to the EIS closet, rather than the classroom. Which must’ve made everyone who witnessed that wonder what technology I was trying to sneak up on. This time? No such idiocy.

There Goes MY Cordon Bleu

I tried to make polenta this weekend and now I’m considering buying a wrist brace. Have you ever tried to whisk cornmeal for 30+ minutes while you wait for it to firm up “until it begins to peel away from the edges of the pot?” I didn’t think so. It’s like stirring cement. Which is why I asked Alan to help. Although, he didn’t like the way I asked. Apparently it’s not funny to say, “Can you help me with this? I’d assume you’re better with repetitive wrist motions than I am.”

And THAT’S what I’ve been up to. You?

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Cheaper than therapy.

30 Nov

Last night I was fairly stressed out about work when I went to bed. The result?

Nope. You weren't there. Whew.

A never-ending dream that I was one of the finalists on American Idol. We had thirty minutes to choose a song (from a selection of ten options), practice it, then perform it live on television. Unfortunately, I didn’t know ANY of the song options. I’d heard a few of them before, but not well enough to even guess at the lyrics convincingly. And also? All the songs were originally performed by men in falsetto, which put them out of range for my limited voice.

I sat bolt upright in bed at 2am, heart racing and sweating.

Know how I calmed myself down? By replaying the dream in my head and realizing the Simon Cowell had been no where to be found, so it couldn’t possibly have been THE American Idol. Oddly, that put me at ease – at least enough to fall back asleep.

Two hours later – I sat up in bed again. Because Simon wasn’t on the last season of Idol. 

But rather than panicked, for some odd reason, this realization caused me to feel like I’d solved an Encyclopedia Brown mystery. (Remember those? A squirrel can’t BACK down a tree! Ah ha!)

And yes, I realize this post violates two rules of interesting writing: 1) It makes no sense; 2) It bores you with a dream.

Sorry. What can I say? I didn’t sleep well.

I never claimed I could sing the phonebook.

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Not so funny, but true: A watched pot doesn’t boil – my blood does.

27 Jan

This is what comes up when you google "Snowy Thundercat." In case you were curious.

The East Coast got pummeled with ThunderSnow yesterday. Upon hearing the forecast, my head immediately jumped to ThunderCats, so I was like, “COOL. BRING IT!”

And then I realized it was a snowstorm with lightning, and my revised thought was, “Um. I hope this doesn’t mess up my flight!”

Alas, it did. My 4:30pm flight to Detroit was cancelled at noon yesterday. At the time of the cancellation, the ground was completely dry and there was nary flake in the sky, so I thought USAirways was annoyingly cautious. I called to book another flight, and they attempted to put me on a 6pm flight to Philly that would connect to Detroit with a midnight arrival.

Um, thanks, but if you can’t get ONE plane off the ground when it’s not even snowing, I don’t have much confidence that you’ll be able to swing a two-leg flight that leaves later AND routes through a city that is forecast to receive even more snow than DC. So I asked what else they had that was direct, and got booked for 8:35 am today.

Continue reading →

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Observation: Now I know where this comes from.

24 Jan

This afternoon, assessing the mug options in our office kitchen and noting that almost all of them had lipstick marks around their rims, I found myself reaching into the dishwasher to retrieve my dirty mug from earlier in the day.

About that time, a phrase flashed through my brain that had never been so true:

“The devil you know is better
than the devil you don’t.”

And I also realized an even greater truth: Satan lives in the office kitchen.

Just take one look at the communal microwave.

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