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Please use the paper towels VERY sparingly.

14 Jul

My mom used to call me Little Miss Know-It-All because it was pretty rare that someone could tell me something without my responding, “I know.” Even if I didn’t know, I knew.

Apparently I haven’t quite grown out of that habit, because in the past month I’ve found myself insulted by some of the advice people have given me. “Do they think I’m stupid?” I’ve bemoaned to Alan. “Of COURSE I’ve done that.”

Admittedly, some of the advice WAS ridiculous.

Like when my icemaker turned my freezer into an ice block and the guy at Ace asked if I had the temperature dial set to a cold setting.

Or when I told my sister that the caulking I had done in my bathtub didn’t set properly and she asked if I was sure I had used caulk. As opposed to… toothpaste.

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Drinking brings out my Inner-Martha.

13 Jul

Apparently even Martha does it. So it must be OK.

Would someone please tell me why it is that whenever I indulge in a few drinks beyond my limit, I suddenly start offering up services that would warrant an entire season’s worth of HGTV?

Case in point: this weekend at my friend Tony’s wedding reception, I saw my friends Seth and Johnnie. They confessed that they had exchanged rings in their own private commitment ceremony of sorts, and immediately, I jumped on the “OH MY GOD, WE MUST THROW YOU A RECEPTION” bandwagon.

Nevermind that they made their commitments to each other PRIVATELY quite a while ago.

Suddenly, I fancied myself a wedding planner. I zipped through the details quickly, as if I’d done it a thousand times. “So what I’m thinking, it’s going to set you back a couple grand – can you swing that? Most of that will be a band and liquor. We’ll do the rest of it as a potluck picnic in an Arlington County park. I’ll call on Monday to find out their reservation and rental system…”

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Seth asked me repeatedly.

“Of course! Are you kidding?” I was unstoppable.

Until I woke up the next morning. It had sounded like a marvelous idea at the time, but in the sober dawn of a new day, the realities of my world came crashing back on me. I travel 50% of the time; I work 10-12 hour days when I’m not traveling; I’ve just moved into a new place which I need to finish furnishing, painting and decorating. When, exactly, had I thought I would have time to plan a celebration? I still haven’t pulled of a housewarming.

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I hate it when that happens.

15 Jun

If both of these are YOUR feet, it's cool. If one is not, it's AWKWARD.

So one of the most awkward category of human encounters I can think of is when someone is touching you without realizing it.

You know what I’m talking about: When you’re grabbing lunch with a client and somehow someone plants their foot right on top of yours without realizing it. And you either respond quickly and slide your foot away, or – more commonly – freeze, hoping they’ll adjust their foot and you can reposition yours without them noticing. But then they DON’T move theirs, and you sit there, unable to fully engage in conversation, because you are so fixated on holding that foot PERFECTLY STILL. Because now a decent period of time has passed, enough that if you DO move your foot, they are going to think you a freak for not having just pulled it away when they first stepped on it.

Right? This has happened to you, too, right?

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I think I’m doing more damage than good…

8 Jun

Tonight I headed over to my new place to try to do a bit of cleaning so it would be ready to receive furniture and the like on Friday when I move. I had a small list of projects to get done: replace faucet sprayer, remove caulk from bathtub, wash  baseboards.

I started with removing the caulk from the bathtub. That was pretty easy, until I got to the caulk that was under the shower door. I’m not sure what bull semen they used to get that to adhere, but it wasn’t going anywhere. I abandoned the job halfway done and resolved to go home and bring back a razor blade to coax it out.

I felt a little ADHD wandering out of the bathroom, leaving a tub full of caulking bits all over it. In the kitchen, I started to replace the faucet handle (the old one had piss-poor pressure), when I noticed a weird noise coming from the refrigerator. Curious, I opened the door – and saw nothing. Then I opened the door to the freezer and saw…

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