I saw a quote on Facebook that said something like, “Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you do.”
Sorry. Gonna have to beg to differ. Here’s a partial list of what I will judge you for doing:
- Holding open the fridge/freezer door for prolonged periods while you assess its contents and decide what you want to eat. Guess what? It’s not a magic trick! Chances are – unless you live with teenage boys – the contents haven’t changed dramatically since you last opened the door, so figure out what you want – then open the door. Do you have any idea how much energy you’re wasting because you’re either indecisive or have a shitty memory? Shameful.
-
This dog is cooler than you.
Using a foot-propelled scooter if you’re old enough to possess a driver’s license. Double judgement if you’re closer to retirement than the legal drinking age. Why? Because scooters are about as dumb as those little beanie hats that have propellers on them and the only people who should sport them are those who don’t yet have their own bank accounts.
- Standing around with your mouth hanging open. While I appreciate your effort to catch flies, unless you’ve just physically exerted yourself and are gasping as you try to to speed oxygen to your brain, you look like an idiot when you breathe through your mouth. I mean, you’re welcome to do it, but don’t be offended if I try to snap a helmet on your head.
- Walking four-across on the sidewalk. You know, when people allow their entire group to cover the entire swath of sidewalk, forcing solitary on-comers to step into the street to get around them? I will not only judge you, but also jab an elbow to your ribs.
Asking questions you should be able to answer with your eyes. If I email you instructions and you write back asking me something I included in the email, I will send you “Hooked on Phonics” instead of an answer. Because I believe in teaching a man to fish. And also, to make sure you realize you’re a dumbass.
- Peeing on the toilet seat. It’s called a seat because you can lift it up, ladies. It’s intended to be sat upon. So if you’re not sitting on it, lift it up. Let me reiterate: this one is for the women. Also known as the squatters. Guess what? You wouldn’t need to hover and squat if YOU didn’t pee all over it. Also? You’re not a lady if you pee on things.
All right. So I’m restricting myself to only six things that drive me to judgement, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be a sequel. Or that this won’t become a daily column.
Because really, as I think about it, the world would be a better place if people had a copy of the rulebook. So help me write it.
What drives YOU to judgement?
pithypants 
The sidewalk one is a HUGE pet peeve of mine as well. It’s like, seriously y’all? I’d like to add one more to the list: Waiters with attitudes. Can’t even put a humorous spin on it, because it’s that sucky.
The challenge with attitudinal waiters is that you can’t really call them on it, because they will most definitely drop your sandwich in their pants before serving it. And yes, I used to wait tables.
And to add to the peeing comment….If you are visiting a single man’s home, put the seat back up….same for the fellas….put it down for the ladies…sheesh…..
OK, I’m guilty of not lifting the seat at a dude’s home. Because I don’t like touching something that people’s asses go on. That’s a man’s job. And yes, it’s a double-standard. I’m not proud of myself.
We. Are. The same. Damned. PERSON.
Okay. Judgment is visited upon…
-Those who speak in malapropisms. To wit: “opposed” instead of “supposed;” “bag of worms” instead of “can of worms;” “if you may” instead of “if you will.” I have heard all of these – from the same person – in the last hour.
-Those who are loudest in a room. If there’s no hearing impairment there, get some self-awareness.
-Those who have bumper stickers on their cars. (Those with bumper stickers that make me laugh/show the owner’s sense of irony get a pass.)
-Those who chew with their mouths open.
-Those who talk on speakerphone in the presence of another human being. Bonus judgment for people who YELL into the speakerphone.
-Those whose cell phone ringtone is almost anything other than a normal ring or a vibrate setting.
I could go on… but you’d probably know them all. Because we’re the same person. Apparently.
Indeed. Couldn’t have written a better follow-up list myself. I’m watching Olympic boxing right now and the commentator just said, “Supposably.” He gets a pass because I assume he has suffered head injuries from his own boxing career.
I judge people who take the elevator one floor up or down at the office and are not carrying anything heavy. Extra judging awarded if they’re even in moderately good shape.
That’s a good one. Not only is it lazy and wasteful, it’s inefficient. You can hoof the stairs much faster than waiting for an elevator, people!
LOL, boy would I be in for some “judgement.” Not all medical issues are easily visible and I tend to ride the elevator up and down to my 2nd floor cubicle on the bad days.
Oh, and my favorite way to deal with the four-across situation: When we’re about 3-4 steps away from each other, I stop suddenly and fish through my purse, or hell, just to casually observe the fine architecture around me. OK, not really, but maybe I’ll try it next time I get the chance 🙂
I’ll have to try that. Maybe I won’t even pretend to do something else. I’ll just stop and face them, planting my feet, effectively becoming a human island they must swim around. And I’ll have Alan film me.
Oh please do 🙂 I would love to see it!
How do I always get dragged into these things?
I communte 74 miles round trip everyday, so most of my pet peeves are about driving.
Please people learn how to use your blinker properly. You are driving me crazy.
Get off your cell phone while driving. While you think you are driving just fine, I am behind you and believe me you ARE NOT.
I’ll second all of those. Maybe those are my secret reasons for no longer driving?