Archive | 7:18 am

Four Random Observations

3 Jul

RANDOM THOUGHT #1: Just called a person named Gene. Opened the call by saying, “Hi, Gene!” and then completely cracked up and couldn’t finish my message because I was hung-up on having said “hygiene.” I’m sure that *never* happens to him.

Also? I’m wondering about people named Jack now. Hijack? After some serious head-scratching, I’m really glad to report that I can’t think of anyone I know named “Brid,” “Biscus,” “Jinx,” or “Min.” If you do, please give me a reason to call them.

Double also? Good thing I don’t want to reproduce. Otherwise, guess what I’d name my kid? Now it’s a toss up between Perbolee,  and Bernate – both of which sound like they could kind of work in the south. (And yes, I realize I’ve played with the spelling. I tried to make them more name-y, so chill, Spelling Police.) 

RANDOM THOUGHT #2: Just me, or do raw onions smell like concentrated body odor. I pitched some off my salad and into the sink, and every time I venture into my kitchen now I think there’s a homeless man hiding behind the fridge.

RANDOM THOUGHT #3: I don’t care how shiny it makes things – you should NEVER use furniture polish to buff your floor. Even if you plan to run around barefoot, it’s a BAD idea. And if you wear socks? Forget about it. Trainwreck.

RANDOM THOUGHT #4: The best time to color your hair is NOT after you’ve finished a ten mile bike ride on a hot day. Unless you enjoy trying to shove the equivalent of ballpark franks into thin plastic gloves. Actually, maybe this needs to be broader: do not attempt to put on thin plastic gloves immediately after riding a bike. That means you, dentists, surgeons, pedicurists, and proctologists.

Just me, or is one of those things not like the others? Clearly the dentist, because they’re the only ones who put their hands somewhere most people don’t find gross.

Actually, now that I re-read this, rather than labeling this “Random Observations,” I’m thinking it should simply be called “Tips.” Consider this a summary of my advice to you:

  1. Don’t use the word “hi” when opening a phone conversation unless you’ve thought through the implications
  2. Name your child the suffix of a word that begins with “hi”
  3. Don’t put onions in your sink
  4. Only use furniture polish on your floor if you want to watch guests fall down (who doesn’t!?) 
  5. Don’t ride a bike
  6. Get a pedicure
You. Are. Welcome.