Tag Archives: random thoughts

I took the bronze in sarcasm.

12 Aug

The Olympics are over? Seems like they just started. I really wish they’d drag them out for the full summer – or at least a month – so I could enjoy them. This year I feel like I missed the events I really care about – diving and women’s gymnastics – and only managed to tune in for the more obscure events.

Here are few observations from what I did see:

  • Equestrian jumping: Who designed the course? Add a water element, a windmill or a dinosaur and I’d mistake it for a putt-putt course.
  • Table tennis: I was quick to discount this since the equipment is most commonly used in America for beer pong tournaments, but after watching a few matches, I’ve withdrawn my judgement. They should just rename the sport “Trigger Reflex” so it’s more accurate.
  • Beach volleyball: Apparently this is the first year the women weren’t required to wear bikinis. Um, seems like you should be able to wear whatever you want as long as it doesn’t give you an unfair advantage (like stilts or a jetpack).
  • Men’s pommelhorse: I don’t have testicles, but this event makes me cringe because it looks like they’re perpetually on the brink of smashing their nuts. Which begs the question: Do gymnasts wear cups?
  • Canoeing: These guys look like Gondoliers fathered by the Hulk.
  • Trampoline: It’s like diving but with a ton of height and without the water. It’s no wonder Cirque du Soleil sends talent scouts to the Games. Brilliant.
  • Hoops: I was prepared to make fun of this one, but it’s actually pretty mesmerizing. I imagine that these women go on to perform as exotic dancers during the off-season, but maybe that’s just because our DVR got stuck with a woman in a rather suggestive position. “That’s unfortunate,” I commented. Alan’s response? “Let’s leave that up for a few minutes.”

What events caught your attention?

Four Random Observations

3 Jul

RANDOM THOUGHT #1: Just called a person named Gene. Opened the call by saying, “Hi, Gene!” and then completely cracked up and couldn’t finish my message because I was hung-up on having said “hygiene.” I’m sure that *never* happens to him.

Also? I’m wondering about people named Jack now. Hijack? After some serious head-scratching, I’m really glad to report that I can’t think of anyone I know named “Brid,” “Biscus,” “Jinx,” or “Min.” If you do, please give me a reason to call them.

Double also? Good thing I don’t want to reproduce. Otherwise, guess what I’d name my kid? Now it’s a toss up between Perbolee,  and Bernate – both of which sound like they could kind of work in the south. (And yes, I realize I’ve played with the spelling. I tried to make them more name-y, so chill, Spelling Police.) 

RANDOM THOUGHT #2: Just me, or do raw onions smell like concentrated body odor. I pitched some off my salad and into the sink, and every time I venture into my kitchen now I think there’s a homeless man hiding behind the fridge.

RANDOM THOUGHT #3: I don’t care how shiny it makes things – you should NEVER use furniture polish to buff your floor. Even if you plan to run around barefoot, it’s a BAD idea. And if you wear socks? Forget about it. Trainwreck.

RANDOM THOUGHT #4: The best time to color your hair is NOT after you’ve finished a ten mile bike ride on a hot day. Unless you enjoy trying to shove the equivalent of ballpark franks into thin plastic gloves. Actually, maybe this needs to be broader: do not attempt to put on thin plastic gloves immediately after riding a bike. That means you, dentists, surgeons, pedicurists, and proctologists.

Just me, or is one of those things not like the others? Clearly the dentist, because they’re the only ones who put their hands somewhere most people don’t find gross.

Actually, now that I re-read this, rather than labeling this “Random Observations,” I’m thinking it should simply be called “Tips.” Consider this a summary of my advice to you:

  1. Don’t use the word “hi” when opening a phone conversation unless you’ve thought through the implications
  2. Name your child the suffix of a word that begins with “hi”
  3. Don’t put onions in your sink
  4. Only use furniture polish on your floor if you want to watch guests fall down (who doesn’t!?) 
  5. Don’t ride a bike
  6. Get a pedicure
You. Are. Welcome.

What’s not to like about a road trip? Other than me.

6 Sep

It’s 10pm on Labor Day, and after 10.5 hours in the car (for what should’ve been an 8 hour trip), I’m simultaneously exhausted and and too charged up to turn my light off. So in an attempt to tire myself, I’ll subject you to random snippets and observations inspired by today’s roadtrip.

First, Ohio. Can anyone give me a reason to not despise northern Ohio other than Cedar Point? That stretch of the toll road from Youngstown to Toledo is about as flat and boring as the Olson twins’ chests. To add injury to insult, the police in Ohio set up speed traps the entire length of the toll road. I think they should COMMEND you for speeding, because it means you’re somehow managing to stay awake.

Second, damn you, restaurants that decided to close for Labor Day. It’s a holiday celebrating WORK, people. Keep those establishments open!

And as for those restaurants that were open (I’m talking to YOU, Arby’s in Somerset)… if your menu advertises loaded baked potatoes, I urge you to keep potatoes in stock. Or was there an unexpected holiday run on potatoes before we got there?

Actually, I’ll answer that question. I think the answer is NO. I think you don’t ever stock potatoes, or the teen cashier would’ve been able to answer my question (Do you use cheese SAUCE or shredded cheddar on your potatoes?) if he had ever seen one actually cross the counter.

Yes, it does matter if it’s sauce or shredded cheddar. I refused to eat cheese sauce. (Yes, that means I won’t eat movie theatre nachos either.) Or cheese whiz. Vomit. Moving on…

Hey Ohio! I’m not done picking on you yet. Is your unemployment rate miraculously low? I ask because I’m pretty sure I’ve seen DC homeless people with more hustle and mental acuity than the woman working the register at the service plaza just before the PA border.

Not only was she slow, but after waiting an eternity behind someone buying lotto tickets to get one soda rung up, just as we got to the register, she held up her finger and told us to “Hold, please.” She then proceeded to make a phone call. A long phone call.

Actually, for all I know, she’s still on that call. And our soda is still sitting on the counter, right where we left it when we walked away and completed the transaction at a vending machine, while watching her. And you wonder why you’re being replaced by machines?

Enough about her. Back to me. I am convinced that I have it in me to write an awesome musical. Not only can I create a song for any occasion (Greatest hits include, “There better be a bathroom in the next five miles!” and “I can’t see jack because of this rain.”), but I’m really skilled at rewriting pop songs with improved lyrics. Alan claims I just got lucky with some of my rhyme schemes, but I recognize jealousy when I see it. Sorry Alan, not everyone has The Gift.

Another gift I have? Word games. And I don’t even need a partner. I can play Solitaire with words, as Alan realized today when he refused to humor my version of a game I call, “Can You Smell What the Rock Is Cooking?” It starts when I’m looking for agreement on something, and this is a sample:

Me: How about we stop here? Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?
Alan: Nods.
Me: Huh? Are you buying what I’m selling?
Alan: Uh huh. 
Me: Are you composting what I’m discarding?
Alan starts to ignore me. 
Me: Are you fertilizing what I’m planting?
Me: Are you smelling what I’m wafting? 
Alan: That’s gross.
Me: Huh?
Alan: I don’t like it when you say wafting. 
Me: Fine. Are you snorting what I’m milking? 
Alan: OK! I will stop here. Will you please stop this game? 
Me: Only if you admit that you’re smelling what I’m wafting. 
Alan: No.
Me: OK. Then I hope that you’re at least shucking what I’m picking? 
 

Speaking of entertainment, I love NPR, but would like to know how they manage to coordinate it so that the only show airing at any given time is Fresh Air with Terry Gross. The first time we heard the interview with the retired Hollywood stunt man, it was amusing. The sixth time? Not so much.

And finally, after about eight hours in a car, I noticed that I smelled like peanuts. That was especially odd, because we didn’t have any nuts in the car. [Insert immature joke here. And cue up the song “Roxanne,” but substitute, “NOOOO Nuts! We don’t got no nuts in here…” for the lyrics.]

Are you shelling what I’m smelling?

And now we’ve got ourselves a roadtrip! 

Get it? This IS a rock cooking. And I bet you CAN smell it. I mean, it's fish.