Four Random Observations

3 Jul

RANDOM THOUGHT #1: Just called a person named Gene. Opened the call by saying, “Hi, Gene!” and then completely cracked up and couldn’t finish my message because I was hung-up on having said “hygiene.” I’m sure that *never* happens to him.

Also? I’m wondering about people named Jack now. Hijack? After some serious head-scratching, I’m really glad to report that I can’t think of anyone I know named “Brid,” “Biscus,” “Jinx,” or “Min.” If you do, please give me a reason to call them.

Double also? Good thing I don’t want to reproduce. Otherwise, guess what I’d name my kid? Now it’s a toss up between Perbolee,  and Bernate – both of which sound like they could kind of work in the south. (And yes, I realize I’ve played with the spelling. I tried to make them more name-y, so chill, Spelling Police.) 

RANDOM THOUGHT #2: Just me, or do raw onions smell like concentrated body odor. I pitched some off my salad and into the sink, and every time I venture into my kitchen now I think there’s a homeless man hiding behind the fridge.

RANDOM THOUGHT #3: I don’t care how shiny it makes things – you should NEVER use furniture polish to buff your floor. Even if you plan to run around barefoot, it’s a BAD idea. And if you wear socks? Forget about it. Trainwreck.

RANDOM THOUGHT #4: The best time to color your hair is NOT after you’ve finished a ten mile bike ride on a hot day. Unless you enjoy trying to shove the equivalent of ballpark franks into thin plastic gloves. Actually, maybe this needs to be broader: do not attempt to put on thin plastic gloves immediately after riding a bike. That means you, dentists, surgeons, pedicurists, and proctologists.

Just me, or is one of those things not like the others? Clearly the dentist, because they’re the only ones who put their hands somewhere most people don’t find gross.

Actually, now that I re-read this, rather than labeling this “Random Observations,” I’m thinking it should simply be called “Tips.” Consider this a summary of my advice to you:

  1. Don’t use the word “hi” when opening a phone conversation unless you’ve thought through the implications
  2. Name your child the suffix of a word that begins with “hi”
  3. Don’t put onions in your sink
  4. Only use furniture polish on your floor if you want to watch guests fall down (who doesn’t!?) 
  5. Don’t ride a bike
  6. Get a pedicure
You. Are. Welcome.

16 Responses to “Four Random Observations”

  1. popdialectic July 3, 2012 at 8:07 am #

    But you can’t kick off with “hello” if you’re calling someone named Highwater. It’s so hard to anticipate these things sometimes.

    I am so glad to know about the furniture polish. I’ve been walking around your place thinking there was something wrong with my inner ear.

    • pithypants July 3, 2012 at 8:14 am #

      Man. I knew I shouldn’t have posted that. Way more fun letting you think you were getting clumsy.

  2. RFL July 3, 2012 at 8:51 am #

    I’m cracking up at the Hi-names. Bernate is probably my favorite. And yes, onions smell like concentrated body odor. Great post!

    • pithypants July 3, 2012 at 10:26 am #

      It kind of sounds like Bernie or Bernice, doesn’t it? ALMOST plausible, wholly ridiculous.

  3. Joel Shilliday July 3, 2012 at 10:14 am #

    Italian subs = Body Oder smell, and sooo delicious.

    • pithypants July 3, 2012 at 10:26 am #

      And I suppose you like the way your breath smells after a gyro, too?

  4. dianeskitchentable July 3, 2012 at 1:58 pm #

    Onions, yeah I cook with them & then the next morning I come downstairs and have to light candles although I’ve never thought to look for any homeless guys but I will now. We’ve got a guy in town who pops up in very random places. Plus your clothes! Those can’t even go in the laundry basket with the non-onion things. I made the mistake of furniture polish on the stairs of all places & was the one bumping on my ass all the way down thinking…now that was stupid wasn’t it?

    • pithypants July 3, 2012 at 4:34 pm #

      But I bet your stairs looked really pretty.

  5. thesinglecell July 3, 2012 at 8:23 pm #

    Giggle fit at the vision of you (as if I’ve ever met you) sliding around all akimbo on your polished floors. Request video. Video of Alan will also satisfy. Thanks.

    • pithypants July 5, 2012 at 3:42 pm #

      I don’t slide – I know which spots to avoid. It’s my *guests* who struggle. Actually, it’s kind of like booby-trapping my house. Much cheaper than an alarm system. This is brilliant.

  6. lynnettedobberpuhl July 3, 2012 at 10:12 pm #

    Cumin smells like teenage boys’ shoes. But I love how it (the cumin) tastes.

    • pithypants July 5, 2012 at 3:43 pm #

      Pretty specific comparison… not just shoes, or boys’ shoes, but TEENAGE boys’ shoes? Not sure I want to investigate that one.

      • lynnettedobberpuhl July 5, 2012 at 4:28 pm #

        There might be a similarity to teenage girls’ shoes, but I don’t have any current reference for comparison. My boys wear one pair of shoes continuously until they rot off their feet. Is that gross? I can’t tell anymore.

  7. Kimberly Pugliano (@GisSilent) July 3, 2012 at 11:11 pm #

    1. I always thought body odor smelled like onions.
    2. I KNOW SOMEONE NAMED MIN! Since childhood. I never ever thought about what I was saying when I greeted him and now my life has changed. You are awesome. Let me know if you want his number.

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