Archive | 6:55 pm

Let’s (not?) rush to judgement.

24 Jul

Willie Wonka, Judgement

I saw a quote on Facebook that said something like, “Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you do.”

Sorry. Gonna have to beg to differ. Here’s a partial list of what I will judge you for doing:

  • Holding open the fridge/freezer door for prolonged periods while you assess its contents and decide what you want to eat. Guess what? It’s not a magic trick! Chances are – unless you live with teenage boys – the contents haven’t changed dramatically since you last opened the door, so figure out what you want – then open the door. Do you have any idea how much energy you’re wasting because you’re either indecisive or have a shitty memory? Shameful.
  • This dog is cooler than you.

    Using a foot-propelled scooter if you’re old enough to possess a driver’s license. Double judgement if you’re closer to retirement than the legal drinking age. Why? Because scooters are about as dumb as those little beanie hats that have propellers on them and the only people who should sport them are those who don’t yet have their own bank accounts.

  • Standing around with your mouth hanging open. While I appreciate your effort to catch flies, unless you’ve just physically exerted yourself and are gasping as you try to to speed oxygen to your brain, you look like an idiot when you breathe through your mouth. I mean, you’re welcome to do it, but don’t be offended if I try to snap a helmet on your head.
  • Walking four-across on the sidewalk. You know, when people allow their entire group to cover the entire swath of sidewalk, forcing solitary on-comers to step into the street to get around them? I will not only judge you, but also jab an elbow to your ribs.
  • Asking questions you should be able to answer with your eyes. If I email you instructions and you write back asking me something I included in the email, I will send you “Hooked on Phonics” instead of an answer. Because I believe in teaching a man to fish. And also, to make sure you realize you’re a dumbass.
  • Peeing on the toilet seat. It’s called a seat because you can lift it up, ladies. It’s intended to be sat upon. So if you’re not sitting on it, lift it up. Let me reiterate: this one is for the women. Also known as the squatters. Guess what? You wouldn’t need to hover and squat if YOU didn’t pee all over it. Also? You’re not a lady if you pee on things.

All right. So I’m restricting myself to only six things that drive me to judgement, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be a sequel. Or that this won’t become a daily column.

Because really, as I think about it, the world would be a better place if people had a copy of the rulebook. So help me write it.

What drives YOU to judgement?